Motivation in light of stage 4 metastatic disease

[LisaS]

I am finding it incredibly difficult to find meaning, purpose and motivation since being diagnosed terminal .

I have metastatic breast cancer spread to my lymphatic system. I get incredibly tired, the treatment also has unpleasant side effects which all makes physical activity more difficult. A frustration as I have been a very physical person. I am a single person without children and I wonder if I had a loving family & children to care for would I feel less this pervading pointlessness and purposelessness?

I have been self employed, working in the field of art and creative production. Now even my art can not inspire or motivate me. I feel like I am in limbo, a pointless existance just waiting to die. Lately even being sociable is difficult as I feel such a pressure to always present as “ positive”, and coping. But I really am not coping at all. I do not put stock in social workers or psychologists as I have previously had terrible experiences with these professions. I feel like as a person with a terminal illness I am not allowed to speak of my heartbreak, upset or fears. I still look relatively well and I think this is why so many friends and associates can not relate to what is really happening, but having worked on a palliative ward for cancer patients I know what my future progression in the illness will look like. I am exhausted.

Has anyone else felt anything similar and if so how did or do you push through anD find purpose and motivation? Thank you

[LisaS]

Ok I just spent half an hour writing a blog and it has not saved the content🙀I am so tired I cannot bring ng myself to rewrite, sorry. I will try again some other time. I am new to this goidnight

[Katekat]

It's still there @LisaS

I've fixed it up for you. With the blogs, there's 2 boxes - one for a teaser and then the actual blog box, easily fixed

[RJG]

Hi LisaS,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings with us.  It must be so hard dealing with this (essentially) on your own. Perhaps you don't have to...

You seem to have been a fairly high achiever up to now. So why stop now. What impression of yourself do you want to leave behind? How would you define "success" and what legacy do you want to leave behind?

Perhaps there are things that you can do to leave a positive mark on the world without necesarily having to be overly physical. Can you distract yourself from your situation by helping others - perhaps helping out with art or craft sessions at a childre'sn ward of a hospital or at a nursing home? Or helping with a school performance?

Give yourself a positive reason to get out of bed each morning. Touching the lives of others might help you to deal with your unpleasant situation. 

Get out there and make a difference!

Best wishes,

Rick

[LisaS]

Thank you Rick,

your kind wise words do help. I have always been one to help others. And since my diagnosis I have found that those I have helped the most over the years have almost been completely absent, as though now I need help they can not be available. And this has caused me some hurt. I live in a remote area so involvement as you have suggested with schools ect. is not so available. One thing that has been extremely confronting is that so many people, even those who I do not know terribly well keep coming to me every time anyone they know has cancer: I have been stopped in a local shop by a shop assistant and asked if a person they knew who was recently diagnosed could call me to talk about it. My GP says he thinks it is because I present as a capable person and because I keep my own suffering private to most. However I find it upsetting, to have people asking me to console and support others, even folk I do not know. And often cancer patients with much brighter outlooks than my own. I also have people wanting to tell me blow by blow accounts of someone they know or have known, who is dying or has died from cancer. As if they do not stop to consider what they are throwing at me is the reality of what I am going to experience; it is throwing salt on my wounds frankly. I live opposite a weekly market and now hide in my house on market day because I cannot cope with the way people get up in my face if I go there. It is as though folks fail to understand that I might like one day where I can go without the cancer being all present and centre of conversation.

i am still in many ways dealing with the shock of my diagnosis and coming to terms with the new reality. 

Maybe once the treatment routine slows down, ( in the last fortnight alone I had 9 medical appointments in one area or another), I will have enough space to come to better terms.

thank you again for your kind response. I wonder if anyone else has experienced things similar to what I have just detailed?

[LisaS]

Thank you KateKat ☺️❤️🙏