The love of my life

[alittlelost]

Hello to everybody that reads my story. Or beter said, our story.

My boyfriend has been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer about a month or two after we started dating. Many people in my life said I am crazy and that I'm too young to get on board into such an emotionally consuming journey to recovery. I was 20 and he was 23 at the time.

I got into fights with everyone that dared tell me I should give up on him. I couldn't, we were in love.

He left immediately to have surgery, but I couldn'g go with him. I stayed nights and days not eating because of being so depressed, not sleeping, but no matter when we would call or text, being it 2 pm or 4 am, I was there, with a smile on my face trying to make him laugh a little, trying to encourage him even though I felt so empty inside. When he got out of the first surgery, they could only remove about 70% of the tumor; he was put in an induced coma for the next 4 days. When he woke up, he was devastated that they didn't remove it all.

He went into chemo, 2 months. I stayed put, I tried everything I could to make him feel better. He would be so depressed...so tired, that often he would just push me away. I fought for him and eventually we would be back together. After 2 months of chemo, he had an MRI that showed his tumor actually increased. The nightmare wasn't over. He went back to surgery, other sleepless nights and worries and crying uncontrollably.

After he woke up, he couldn't feel his legs. That was a major risk in the surgery. We were again, devastated. I tried to comfort him as much as I could, but frankly, I just didn't find the right words. I regret everyday not knowing what to say. He once told me that I can't understand what he is going through so I shouldn't even try and he is right, but it still hurt and I started to blame myself for not being "there" enough, not being "loving" enough, not being "understanding" enough. After convincing him that even if he couldn't walk, talk, anything, I would be there by his side, he went into surgery again and he was able, after months of physiotherapy to walk again.

Almost a year passed, his chemo was over, the MRI showed that he was in remission. Everything was back on track, with all the regims, the programs, the activities, the check-ups. But they were back on track. So almost a year later, he cancer came back. He was in surgery in no time..but this time is was more apparent the "he either leaves surgey or dies on the table" factor. I went into depression again. He got out of surgery, they removed the tumor, he then went to chemo for preventive reasons.

And long story put short, a year later now, my world and his crumbled apart once again. As I am writing this he is again in surgery, the second one in a period of about 1 month. And I am lost.. I feel horrible for even writing this because I know that I am not the one that suffers the most. And he is the most important person right now. But I am lost.

I just can't stop crying at night, putting on a brave face in the morning, trying to hold it all together..And I don't regret doing it, I never have. And I don't want to stop. I am just tired. I don't want people to praise me, I don't want anything like that.

I just needed a place where I could share a fragment of my story.