I still can't believe this is all happening to me. It seems unreal sometimes, - out of the blue, I will just get a thought, "is this real, Is this happening to me?" Like now . how am I supposed to deal with this, some people have called me brave, but I'm not. You just have to keep going. I'd love to get off the merry go round and let someone else take over. That's not going to happen. It is happening to me and I have to deal with it. I muddle along and blunder along, and have good positive moments and really morbid moments and moments where I am totally overwhelmed by all of it. Other moments where I feel this is not going to beat me, I will get the better of it. But then realistically it will shorten my life(90 yrs is not gunna happen). Thats hard to realise and deal with . The fact that I will die, alot sooner than I ever imagined. You cruise along in life thinking old age and death are a long way away, when its not. It could happen anytime to anyone. But its happening to me. I don't want to die and leave my family so soon, I still have so much to do. Is it fair? No it's not. What can I do about it? Rest and think positive, Does that help? Who knows. Prayer could help, peope still die while thinking positive. Are all these thoughts normal. I am sure they are, the brain wants to explode sometimes with so many thoughts pulling in different directions. Then along comes that Eternal optimistic thing called HOPE (it doesn't let me wallow for too long!) and I think , Well I am still here at the moment, I will wake in the morning for another day. Maybe my health will be a little better in the morning. A little bit better each day. The whole attitude thing could be turned around you could say I am blessed. I get the chance to catch up on things I always wanted to do and never did. The chance to say goodbye in a way. Many people walk out their front door in the morning and never make it back home. In the end my life is what I make it. Thinking too far ahead is overwhelming. I am thinking each day at a time and planning for a great Christmas this year with everything thats important to me. I am Ok. A positive frame of mind is a good idea and yes I believe it does make a difference. Concentrate on me and my health. Eat well when I can (not always easy when the tumours are in the food pipe.) I have found writing a wonderful therapy whether in a private journal free for all or on this website in a blog. I have my daughters wedding in March next year to look forward to as well. I WILL BE HERE. Thanks for letting me share I am good. Cheers Vicki MAY THE WINGS OF THE BUTTERFLY KISS THE SUN AND FIND YOUR SHOULDER TO LIGHT ON, TO BRING YOU LUCK, HAPPINESS AND RICHES TODAY, TOMORROW AND BEYOND (Irish Blessing)
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