Welcome To My Nightmare

[CATS]

After reading Sailors' blog about 'not doing opiates', I decided to tell my opiate experience and CATS does not do opiates either!! Ketamine. Morphine. Oxycontin. Welcome to my nightmare. Breathing tubes, breathing masks - waking after hours of drug induced sleep - confusion, pain, panic, terror, pushing people away, crying, clawing the air - "NO" I scream; "PLEASE DON'T PUT THAT ON ME". "It's for your own good". How many times would I hear those 3 terrifying words - your own good? Where am I? Why am I in agony? Tubes in my arms, my hands, something wrapped around my neck, clutching a small object, pressing pressing it - why? What has happened to me- my stomach hurts so much - I want all the pain to go away- I want to die. Leave me alone. My mouth is dry. I can't swallow. Water please I croak. Ice chips on my lips, I suck greedily - more more. No more until later. What are these people doing to me - how can they let me suffer like this. Tears run down my face, I cough, I gasp for air. A mask is put over my mouth and nose. I can't breathe. I struggle - I can't move. I am being held down- "for your own good". Welcome to my nightmare. I have just survived major surgery. I have been violated and brutalised in order to save my life- I want to die. Nothing makes any sense to me, I look at the clock on the wall- 9.30. A while later I look again- 9.30. I say the clock has stopped- it has not.The coctail of drugs are interfering with my ability to understand,to reason,to think! It is still 9.30. My mind is drugged and foggy- I have no concept of time, of anything - I have lost a week from my life. I cannot remember anything leading up to now. Faces and noises flash through my mind but I cannot concentrate- nothing is real. Alice Cooper obviously knew what he was talking about when he performed "Welcome To My Nightmare" - I now know too.

[Sailor]

Hi Cats One of the nice things about this site is you learn that you are not alone in having these side effects. You talk to people in the medical world and it is if no one else has the experiences you are going through - yes those three words 'your own good". Blow that, I am the one who decides what is for my own good and why can't they tell us before hand that there may be these side effects? As well as the opiates I don't do anaesthetics well. Whenever I have had a general anaesthetic, or even the so called light sedation, I come to a long time after I am supposed to and surrounded by very worried looking people. Even for the 'light sedation' you have for a colonoscopy, it happens. Every time I tell this to an anaethetist, they look at me as if I am stupid and the last one even had the temerity to say "well I'll try not to look worried when you come around" - he at least had the decency to come and give me an antidote to whatever was keeping me under - but I still don't know why and believe me I have asked. So what do I do about it - well I ask for an epidural. I had one of those once and had no problems. However, what I usually get is a spinal block and coming out of them is not much fun either. One time I asked for an epidural and got a spinal, and it wore off after twenty minutes. I told the surgeon I could feel what he was doing, he just nodded to the anaethetist and I woke up eight hours later, wrapped up in space blankets, a hot air blower pumping into my feet and very worried looking people. I still can't find out why so I just have to tell each different anaethetist, and it seem to be different every time, the story, to be looked at as if I am a fool, and go through the same procedure again. So I am not looking forward to any really major surgery, the need for anaesthesia and pain control. Cheers Sailor He who lets the sea lull him into a sense of security is in very grave danger. Hammond Ines



[CATS]

Thanks Sailor for your comment- it takes me quite a while to wake after sedation, even panadol, which is my 'pain management'drug works like a sleeping tablet- very strange.I was delighted to hear that the anaesthetist told my sister that ketamine is used as a party drug - special k - gee that made me feel better!! I should not have worried - just enjoyed- yeah.....

[samex]

Hi CAts and Sailor, Fortunately I don't have quite the side effects as you guys do for anaesthetic but I certainly remember(or remember I don't remember?) being told that the emergency bowel surgery revealed a serious tumour and that i was effectively being told I had cancer. I have a vague vision of 2 very serious doctors (I have been ver lucky with the compassion of my medical team on the whole) but I was so zonked on morphine and abdominal pain that I really didn't understand what they were saying.All I wanted was the naso-gatsric tube out!! About a week later I did have a discussion with my surgeon about how I was lucky that I didn't live in a 3rd world country etc as I only had 24 hours before my bowel would have perforated. When he told me that I was lucky to have been in the city rather than a rural area to have this emergency on a weekend, and that bowel perforation carries with it a 90% mortality rate, I suddenly relaised how sick I had been.As we all know the surgery, however, was just the beginning. Interesting how all of these factors influence how we now view things. A peaceful (and surgery free) New Year to all. S

[Jules2]

Hi Cats I experienced a lot of pain and at one stage i wasnt able to speak (literally), although it was related to the same problem as you it is awful to have to go through something like that and i think each little bit of the experiences that we go through with cancer can cause scars and yet we heal in time and move on. Sending you a hug and glad you arent in that place anymore. Julie

[CATS]

Samex, that was very scary to read. Absolutely terrifying for you especially at the time. Thank God( or whoever you believe looks after you) that you survived and are here today talking to us. Yes pleeeease a surgery free life from now on - unless 'they who know' come up with something that will completely eradicate the horrid disease, then I'll think about it for a minute!!bye for now meeow

[CATS]

Hi Julie thanks for that and the hug was great - should be more of them!! one back to you meeow x