I woke at midnight last night, starving hungry, busting to use the bathroom and with bad back pain. Half an hour later, bladder empty, stomach fed and pain easing I headed back to bed... only to wake at 5am crying. I'd just had a bad dream where an unsupportive member of my family had baited me into slapping him in the face. I was crying because that type of violence and anger is not something I am used to displaying. I realised while wiping away the tears that it was going to be one of those days. Up with just the birds, in tears and to make it worse, not only was the back pain here again but now I had a rash! I sometimes break out in a rash on my arms and shoulders and sometimes neck, after prolonged periods of stress, so it's nothing too unusual for me but definately an outward sign that regardless of how strong people always like to tell me I am... I am just a person like anyone else, coping as best as I can.
I spent the day in bed, alternating between checking numerous support websites for new posts or messages, trawling facebook for interesting things happening in the world of my friends family and colleagues, reading and sleeping. I totally avoided participating in the "real world" today. I needed a day off. So I feel irritated, useless, tired, lazy and not very positive today. Not such a great day.
What has put me over the edge is the lovely lady from my team at the hospital calling to advise that my appointment has been brought forward two hours (not so bad - not so much waiting) because the urologist wants to give me a cystoscopy (insert a tube into my bladder for a look around - EEEEK), but I'll be knocked out (thank gosh) but I need to fast from 7am, NIL BY MOUTH (darn). This has been the patern today. Any and all information has been assessed immediately for how I feel about it and I a plethera of emotions coursing through me in any 2minute period ranging from mortified through to totally relieved. Nothing these days is able to be processed as good or bad. There are always multiple layers of anything that I am facing and I feel differently about each part. It's so tiring. All these emotions. I wish to go back to my life before cancer where I could just have a day. Where not everyday was a rollercoaster of emotion like it is now... But hey, dont we all.
