Where to start

[donnai]

My mum had just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She only found out on Wednesday 8/9/09 and attempted suicide almost immediately.. My father has completed crumbled and at this point not able to make decisions regarding care for mum. I have now organised "silver chain hospice service" and even that was a shock as i am aware this service is only available for people with less than 6 months.. It's all happening sooo quickly. Mum only became unwell 2 months ago. Three months ago i was just plodding along, now its all, hospitals, tests, appointments, suicide, tears and grief.. And we still have the funeral to look forward to... I don't really know what i'm doing. I cant believe i'm the one that everyone is calling "the rock" and i'm not sure its a role a want. I am so afraid for my own mental well being.. i know there are so many people out there going through the same thing, but this is so new to me.. I have always felt like the luckiest person on Earth as my family has never had to experience grief or loss.. My daughter has a complex form of epilepsy which affects her learning and that has BY FAR been the most overwhelming experience of our families life... I feel so unprepared, i feel so overwhelmed and I am just soooo sad...

[Teacher_Mum]

Hi Donnai, Big hugs with what you are going through. I myself am just dealing with a tumour and I lost my mother 3 years ago to bowel cancer in 6 months so I understand what you must be thinking and feeling. My elderly father couldnt cope and had a stroke 2 weeks before mum passed away. I guess thinking about losing the woman he shared 49 years of marriage with was just too hard to bear. Please remember that its not about the dying that we need to focus on but about the living. Sometimes you don't know what you are doing and you have to play it by ear - remember to make good memories where you can and cherish each day as it comes. Take care and good luck Me.

[AmandaC]

Hi Donnai, What a shock, sounds like it has been a whirlwind of events. How incredibly hard it is to be the rock, but your role is so so important. Tecahers mum is right there is no right or wrong way to handle it, be kind to yourself. Sadly we have been thorugh family experiences with terminal cancer and have faced our own cancers, I can totally relate to that feeling of being lots and having to do it all anyway. What an incredibly strong woman you must be and how lucky your family are to have you. I want to offer you hugs and a shoulder. XX Amanda

[#4]

Hey Donna, And I think your amazing. You've gone through all this drama and its just the beginning so to speak and you've still come out the other end without losing your sanity :) You are by far stronger than you imagine at this very moment and it sounds so cliche but you'll be the strength that keeps things together. This is the time you'll really need to spend as much time as humanely possible with your mum to nuture and support her. Believe me, the fact that you are there for the tests, doctors and the emotional support qualifies you as the rock and its something you should wear with pride. I, just like you was thrown into the same ocean and wondered if I wanted to even try to swim, but I always knew that sinking or giving in or up wasn't an option. Despite the heartbreak, sadness, frustration and fear, you'll find even more strength inside your heart and mind to carry on and be strong for both of your parents. My father passed away from terminal metastatic prostate cancer due to a procedure that went wrong to treat his chronic pain 3 weeks ago and despite the emotional turmoil I feel inside, I also realise that I did my best and the entire experience of being my father's rock and trying to do my best for him changed me for the better. It gave me so much more understanding and helped me to realise what I wanted to do with my life now. I too worried for my own mental health and there were times then and even now when I think I will just totally crack but somehow my strength and sanity haven't left me. Its proved to me what strength of character I possess just like my father had in battling his illness. And I realise that I really fear nothing anymore. In my case I realised I need to do what I can do for my father who I was very close to, and sometimes you'll find it takes over every thing, but I can now sleep at night realising I did my best. You can never be fully prepared for what seeing an illness does to a loved one, even coming to terms with dying, but somehow, somewhere with the right support and understanding from those close to you, you will live to fight another day and try and make the time you have left with your mum special. Take one day at a time and some deep breaths because this is one of life's challenges that we will all face sooner or later. Worry about getting through today and worry about tommorow when it comes. My father too used to think of suicide and thats because the enormity of being handed a life sentence is so overwhelming for them that they become anxious, scared and depressed. It's normal for someone in that position to feel that way. But as you would know, your mother is depressed and its understandable. I hope that those providing palliative care have organised counselling and a professional to help your mother come to terms with her emotions and despair. You're mum will find peace and acceptance of what is happening to her and now is the time she really truly needs you. You are her lifeline. But you must never give up hope, not even now. She needs your encouragement and thats the best gift you can give her right now. I'm not sure what a silver hospice service is, but, if you have any questions or want to discuss palliative care please email me. I have been through it with my father and its a very trying time. Hang in there and remember, one day at a time. 🙂

[#5]

Hi Donna, I'm glad you've found us and as you can see there are a lot of people here to offer support who have been through, or are going through the same situation. You would also be most welcome to call our Helpline on 13 11 20 - we have a range of trained counsellors who will be able to assist you with what you're going through and what your mum is going through. If you would like someone to contact you please let me know via private message. We also recommend calling Lifeline 13 11 44 if you feel you need to as they are available twenty four hours a day to assist you in this type of situation. All our thoughts are with you and I hope you feel you have some people to talk to here. Emmag