he has upset me.

[GeeGee]

My boy friend has upset me so much today I am typing this with tears running down my face. He is at the hospital today and I got all ready to go with him so I can hear what the doctors have to say but he told me he didn't want me to go with him. I was stunned, all I could do was go into my room and close the door. He left without me. I feel he has shut me out completely. I get that he doesn't want to know results of his ct scans ect. but he has to know I want to know. He said he doesn't want to know results because it doesn't change anything. I disagree with that, it changes everything. If they show new tumors it makes a difference, if it shows they have shrunk away to nothing it changes everything. Is it just me that thinks this way? I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to know. He worries about what is going on with his cancer I know he does, anyone who looks at him knows. Knowledge eases the mind I would think. I feel like he has changed so much I hardly know him any more. He doesn't tell me anything about how he feels about having cancer. He just won't talk about it. How can you talk to someone who won't talk back to you. He has said to me a few times now that I have to make some decisions about what I want to do. Maybe he is right about that. I asked him what he means by that and all he says is I shouldn't have to put up with his shit. Is he giving me an out? I don't know and he won't say. I miss our relationship, it has changed so much.

[edie]

Hi GeeGee I am very sorry to hear all of this. Having been on both sides of this - as a carer and later having cancer myself, I feel your pain. And his. When my husband was ill I used to get furious with him because he would not communicate. I found myself almost provoking arguments so he would finally spit out his anger and frustration at his situation. I think I was trying to make him behave the way I thought I would if I had cancer - like I read in books, all positive and thoughtful. Wow was I wrong on all fronts. You are right - it is so difficult to communicate with someone who will not communicate with you. This might sound harsh, but if he does not want to know, or is not ready to know, or does not want you to know, this is his body his choice. Everyone chooses their own way to behave when they do have cancer. Also, sometimes people want to get things clear in their own heads before they share it. Or deny it. Yes very very hard on you. However, I learned a big lesson which is having cancer does not give a person licence to behave any way they like. Of course they (perhaps I should say "we") get angry and frustrated at times and take it out on the people closest to them, because they can test the boundaries much more than with with friends. But there need to be limits. I suggest that you find someone, eg a counsellor, a psychooncologist or someone like that who can help you with some ideas about how to communicate and how to deal with this situation. Your partner would probably benefit from having a safe place to vent as well. If he will not join you in this, go alone. I found it really helpful to do this. It was a bit like someone gave me, as a carer, some tools and also permission to set some boundaries, and to say words to the effect of "hang on, I know you have cancer and your situation is terrible, but don't talk to me like that". Or, you know, "You want me to stick around - cut it out". I am not sure I ever did say this but I knew it was OK to draw a line. When I did get cancer myself, my husband was long dead. I think though that I understood, (and moderated) my own behaviour and motivations better for having eventually had some understanding of his. Please try to find a professional to help you with this. All the very best to you both. Edie

[GeeGee]

Hi Edie. Thanks for you advice. I am at my wits end and you gave me good advice. I am going to talk to him and ask if he will have counseling with me, the hospital as offered it to us but he didn't want it. If he still won't go I will go alone. I hope you are doing ok. Thanks again.

[maddie86]

hi gee gee... when my late husband got colon cancer he was the same. He was 23 time of diagnosis and i remember he wanted to even break up with me. To be truthful i stuck by his side... but sometimes i think about if we did break up.. would my life be different? We fought all the time when he was sick. His first chemo session he wouldnt even let me come he took his horrible family instead, and all they did was bicker! He used to yell and get agro a lot, and he would sometimes really shut off... When he found out he was terminally ill, and he didnt have much time he took me to new york and proposed.. it was lovely but then after that he went OS without me, 3 times.. it was hard because i wanted to spend all my time with him i just couldnt comprihend why he would want time away from me. He passed away 2012 and it was very difficult. I miss him but not the anger, the cancer and everything else. Im happy now but i still think about all the times he upset me! He was even grumpy on our wedding day, but i guess i would be to if i was as sick as he was... Cancer is no easy jouney but i believe its not easier for the spouse of the person who is sick its just as hard, if not worse! please feel free to chat to me anytime xx

[petalinperth]

each of us handle the news and subsequent treatments differently. some believe they are spaying their partner pain & worry if they deal with it alone. Many are so also unable to deal with anyone else during this time. My mother & sisters turned on me during our time of palliatively caring for dad, who wanted to come home. I have no idea why they did, other than they needed a venting target. they avoided me & blamed me after he died. effectively i was kicked out of their family. My dad could tell me his darkest fears and we spent our time together discussing his fears and beliefs, we had always been close. I am the eldest. 3 years later i was diagnosed with cancer only my mum visited but they were short unsustaining events. i figured she couldn't cope with another illness so close to dad's death. the sister down from me had had a heart attack 3 months after dads death - she was also treated badly by them. She recovered well and wanted to care for me during my radiation treatment - but mostly she made my life hell - criticising me and my kids. the only relief i got was the ten mins being irradiated! the trip in & out was hell. so i stepped away from her to concentrate on getting thru it all. my oldest daughter (27) took me to all my treatments & med appts. but afterwards after the radiation finished she lost it too and avoided me. what i learned from all of this people can only give you what they are capable of. So you need to find your own resilience and inner support. Regardless of whether you are a carer or a person living with cancer.

[petalinperth]

each of us handle the news and subsequent treatments differently. some believe they are spaying their partner pain & worry if they deal with it alone. Many are so also unable to deal with anyone else during this time. My mother & sisters turned on me during our time of palliatively caring for dad, who wanted to come home. I have no idea why they did, other than they needed a venting target. they avoided me & blamed me after he died. effectively i was kicked out of their family. My dad could tell me his darkest fears and we spent our time together discussing his fears and beliefs, we had always been close. I am the eldest. 3 years later i was diagnosed with cancer only my mum visited but they were short unsustaining events. i figured she couldn't cope with another illness so close to dad's death. the sister down from me had had a heart attack 3 months after dads death - she was also treated badly by them. She recovered well and wanted to care for me during my radiation treatment - but mostly she made my life hell - criticising me and my kids. the only relief i got was the ten mins being irradiated! the trip in & out was hell. so i stepped away from her to concentrate on getting thru it all. my oldest daughter (27) took me to all my treatments & med appts. but afterwards after the radiation finished she lost it too and avoided me. what i learned from all of this people can only give you what they are capable of. So you need to find your own resilience and inner support. Regardless of whether you are a carer or a person living with cancer.