Hi everyone,:) Well a bit over a year since i had radiation and chemo for osophogeal cancer and still struggling to find some normality in my life.After first being diagnosed the thoughts of i didnt have long to live overwhelmed me.Then my results kept coming back in a positive way during 2011 and after my initial diagnosis and i know im really fortunate and actually a little bit in disbelief.My last meeting with the oncologist was a strange one as he is sitting there telling me he is astonished it hasnt recurred yet as it was stage 4 and in my distant lymph nodes,"what does that mean?"i was thinking"am i cured?""what" give me a definite answer""yes or no?"...12 months ago he said i was likely to deteriate as the cancer is aggressive and incurable in its later stages and all they can do is prolong my life.I will be honest i set myself up mentally to face death head on and now the game plan has changed.Sometimes i feel guilty and like i have been selfish what i have put my family through.Like it was just a faze and now i should be over it.I really dont know what to do.I havent worked in 2 years and would really like to but im scared i wouldnt handle it physically or mentally and i would realize im not the same person i used to be.I used to have many friends and always doing something but after all this i have withdrawn from everyone and everything.I know its probably depression but i just dont know how to snap out of it,i have these crazy thoughts sometimes where im hoping they will find active cancer somewhere else just so i can continue the journey i was on,i put so much energy into dealing with the initial diagnosis that im really finding it hard to see life in any other way and to be normal again.Im sorry to ramble on and i do realize i am very blessed and fortunate to have such a positive result and i know that not everyone is so lucky and my heart goes out to anyone dealing with cancer. dan
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