Hi everyone,:) Well a bit over a year since i had radiation and chemo for osophogeal cancer and still struggling to find some normality in my life.After first being diagnosed the thoughts of i didnt have long to live overwhelmed me.Then my results kept coming back in a positive way during 2011 and after my initial diagnosis and i know im really fortunate and actually a little bit in disbelief.My last meeting with the oncologist was a strange one as he is sitting there telling me he is astonished it hasnt recurred yet as it was stage 4 and in my distant lymph nodes,"what does that mean?"i was thinking"am i cured?""what" give me a definite answer""yes or no?"...12 months ago he said i was likely to deteriate as the cancer is aggressive and incurable in its later stages and all they can do is prolong my life.I will be honest i set myself up mentally to face death head on and now the game plan has changed.Sometimes i feel guilty and like i have been selfish what i have put my family through.Like it was just a faze and now i should be over it.I really dont know what to do.I havent worked in 2 years and would really like to but im scared i wouldnt handle it physically or mentally and i would realize im not the same person i used to be.I used to have many friends and always doing something but after all this i have withdrawn from everyone and everything.I know its probably depression but i just dont know how to snap out of it,i have these crazy thoughts sometimes where im hoping they will find active cancer somewhere else just so i can continue the journey i was on,i put so much energy into dealing with the initial diagnosis that im really finding it hard to see life in any other way and to be normal again.Im sorry to ramble on and i do realize i am very blessed and fortunate to have such a positive result and i know that not everyone is so lucky and my heart goes out to anyone dealing with cancer. dan
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Occasional Contributor
Can't begin to imagine how you are feeling.. I am fresh out of isolation and waiting for my hopefully clean body scan results - my cancer (thyroid) was stage 2 thanks to my age, so nowhere near as drastic as yours but nevertheless it's such a huge word and you immediately board the emotional roller coaster, shock, anger, depression, elation and positive then nothing.. Ahhh no wonder we go a little bit nutty!! being told that you aren't going to get better would be the worst words in the world you can hear, and to the confront that and come to some sort of terms with it and then be told oh you are ok.. Well wow, no wonder you half expect it to come back and feel that you could cope better with that.. It does make sense, your not crazy 😃 I don't know what to say to actually help but I think I can appreciate the way your feeling and I hope someone else has something useful to say to you, ha not just babble at you like I am!! All the best, Shell
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Hi my partner has stage four bowel cancer. Please try and accept what you are feeling as normal. Love yourself and try and live each day. I am struggling big time also. Your whole life is different and unfortunately nothing you do or think seems to make things any better. There is a saying my mum used to quote it goes along the lines of " give me the strength to change the things I can change and accept the things I can't change.
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Super Contributor
I can also see where you are coming from. In a way it's almost as though it was only a movie you were acting in ,or a live show. Now that's over and you have to go back to your normal life .Yet you were so involved with the other it's hard to find yourself again and your old life. And as another comment suggested underneath may be the half belief or fear that it could return. P.S. I don't mean that during that bad time that you felt it was not real ,only when looking backnow it may be hard to believe you were there in that situation and now you are here.
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Contributor
What fantastic news daniel,embrace it, enjoy it, revel in it, as you know it could have turned out the other way. You have woken up from the nightmare and yes, it was only a nightmare, things can now get back to normal. Go out and enjoy your life daniel, you deserve to. wombat4
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Hi everyone, Thanks guys for your encouraging words,i do know im one of the lucky ones so far and i should not be so negative about my current situation,at the moment i do have my health and thats all that matters and i am truly,truly grateful for that.For whatever reason being the universe,god, a miracle,medical science who knows.... I suppose i am living proof that cancer can be beaten and at first i didnt have much faith at all,maybe it was all the googling and the negative things i read about the type of cancer and it puts a number,statistic,prognosis on it.I wish i never read any of it now when i think back,maybe my whole outlook would have been different from the start..I have actually been to see a counciler for the first time in my life yesterday as i just wanted to tell someone about how i feel because through this whole process i havent really talked to anyone. Well,wow,so it does feel better just to tell someone out loud how i feel....I shouldnt be such a woos,should be out talking about footy and telling people how nice the day is,being grateful for just being alive...after all "everyday you live is everyday you live"...I guess what sums it up is one day i could be walking down the street and be worried about dying of cancer and then The old step in the front of the bus thing happens to me and then what was the point about me worrying about if cancer was going to get me?...lol...Maybe just maybe this is something i have wanted to get off my chest for a long time now and just to get it out there can help me get back to my normal self.I have read fair few posts in the forums on here and i cant really say in words how much i feel for everyone and there families and the struggle of living with cancer and treatments...I just hope someday it will all make sense to everyone 🙂
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Super Contributor
A counsellor at the Cancer Council helped me deal with what cancer surgery did to me. I had little faith that it would help but felt a little better after each session. Also time helps in getting back to "normal". So glad you are feeling better now.
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Daniel, I can relate so much to everything you are feeling...first of all it has only been a year since you faced this MAJOR TRAUMA ...give yourself time to really accept that you have survived..the medical profession treats our bodies, but in my opinion , leaves us completely alone to handle the fall out emotionally...everyone around us is saying...You must be so happy you can get back to your life now...what the hardest part for me is...I haven't worked for 4 years ...I can't "get back" to my life because the world around me changed while I was in a chemo fog... so..I am now rebuilding...starting very very small...I try to learn 1 thing new every day...try to physically get stronger every day...I also had those crazy thoughts that if the cancer came back I wouldn't have to work so so hard to re shape my "new life" ...so you are perfect exactly where you are for what you have faced...if people don't get it..I have backed away from them...I have become protective of my emotional well being...as time goes on...it does get easier...hang in there and take baby steps...you are not alone!!!!!
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Daniel, It's good that you are talking to someone face to face, it validates your feelings, and brings confidence that you are not going crazy. I think your reaction seems to be a very normal one, for someone how had been told to expect the worst. To adjust to that, was a huge "mind set shift", and now you have to do a 180 turn, and start considering many years ahead. Wow! Sometimes, it is easier to deal with what we know, many people live in unhappy situations, fearful, of making a change, and things getting worse, but try to look at the plans you maybe thought you'd never get to fulfil, choose one and focus intently on achieving it., maybe not for a few yrs, but eventually. You have hope of many more years with family and I'm sure they'd far rather have gone through this journey and still have you here, than the alternative. You will build a new "post cancer" life, it will incorporate some of your old life and some new things, but life would still have moved on, even if you hadn't had cancer, it would have changed, although perhaps more under your control. Life is uncertain, but there is always a tiny glimmer of hope, as you on your journey have proved. Enjoy each day - every small step forward or towards a goal is one step less to take, no matter how slowly or how many detours, the destination will be worth it. Go well! Sam
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Thanks guys, I have to admit just telling someone such as a counciler or even you guys over the internet does help me.You would think i would be well over it after 12 months of positive health but i never really told anyone whats going on in my head and the oncologist is just a scientist in my eyes....most of my conversations with people are"how are you?,hows the cancer?"keep positive dan!" yeah i try my best and im sure i will find my normal self again soon enough.I have already mentally faced the worst possible outcome so anything better then that is a positive thing.:)I certainly wont ever look at life the same way i used to...maybe things happen for a reason,maybe things happen because they just happen...who knows? All my best wishes to everyone that is facing their own battle with cancer...after reading a lot of posts i see it comes in all shapes,sizes and forms..some are worse then others...some dont even give people the time to comprehend it..I dont know if i have the right to say that "i know what you are going through"but i guess we all have a similiar experience to some degree....maybe one day i will be challenged even more then i already have been but i guess thats a bridge i will have to cross if i ever get to it...be damned if im going to let it stop me from living today...:) All the best dan
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Occasional Contributor
Thanks for your words of wisdom I was miserable until my counselor helped my realize that my body had been traumatized - its not just an operation!
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