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things people say

maddie86
February 2012
met up with a friend tonight.. was discussing the recent wedding plans to my beautiful terminally ill partner when this friend reminded me that 'there might not be a wedding'... some people are just so blunt and ask questions so straight out like 'how long have the doctors given them? do they think they'l be around for much longer?".. this friend was asking me this as if it was 'so hows the weather?" i just burst into tears :( people can be so rude
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13 Comments
SamR
Occasional Contributor
February 2012
Hi Maddie, I feel for your heartache. Not sure how close your friend is, but yes people can be insensitive. Sometimes, I think they are so afraid of the "C" word that they act strangely, either trying to ignore it totally, or they try to "cover" it by being to the point and totally clinical. I'll never forget bumping into a ex-colleague a few years after the Cancer Experience and the comment was "Oh your still alive"... that was definitely "left field".. Try not to dwell on the hurt, focus instead on the precious time you have together. Life is uncertain for all of us, you just have to listen to the tragedies on the roads to realise, none of us knows when our number will be called... Tears can be good, it helps the "adjusting" process. Take care... Sam
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wombat4
Contributor
February 2012
Hi maddie86, The people that you meet and have not gone through what you are going through, are in a different place and time. They have not or have never needed to come to grips and have never being closely involved in what this useless disease means to you or your loved ones. They cannot in their worst nightmare know what it means to have a loved one with this disease. They are not in your place and time. It is not their fault, but the comprehension is way beyond them. this is something that other people have to deal with, never them. The nightmare is too incomprehensible to absorb, so as a consequence they can be quite dismissive and clinical in what they say, because they do not feel the emotion and trauma that you are going through. Try to forgive them, and hope they do not have to suffer as you have to. wombat4
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SILLY
Super Contributor
February 2012
Sometimes people steer away from saying what's on their mind in case they say the wrong thing. Sometimes people say what's on their mind because they think it's best to be open . It's often hard to find the middle road. Enjoy planning your wedding and let us know about the big day as it approaches. Don't let thoughtless comments spoil it . That person just doesn't understand .
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purpleangels
Contributor
February 2012
Enjoy planning your wedding and don't invite the rude ones or detractors or just plain jerks I say!! PA
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Stitch
Contributor
February 2012
Hi Maddie, It is very hard to know what to say to others. I am a very straight forward person. I also have a rear cancer that needs a 10 hr opp soon. I will be flying back to NZ this week to see my 47 year old sister who is dying of secondry cancer - now in her lungs, across her heart & in her liver - she has about 3 weeks to go, so I am hopeing to get there in time. I saw my sister in Jan for a week & I said to her ... dont take this the wrong way please :-) last on first off - she is the youngest & then me 🙂 then 2 other sisters older than us. all my friends can not believe how I can easliy tell them about my cancer & what is happening to Diane. But .... The only way I can deal with it - is to face it straight on & deal. I have researched - know that I have to have this opp if I want longer than 5 years - over it - do it. Could others be like this who are friends? I dont know as I freek out all my friends - they are all in tears & I just say I have now upset you. But I have to deal with it my way - like a bull at a gate. maybe your friend has to as well. thinking of you - just call me - foot in mouth Gwen (stitch)
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Sensitive_Eyes
Not applicable
February 2012
When my life-long friend was dying of pancreatic cancer, her husband demanded that no-one was to ask her 'How are you?'. It's a basic courtesy after saying 'hello', and didn't mean 'tell me all the awful things you are going through'. I understand why he did that as it was so painful for him to hear her responses over and over again but, as her close friend, I felt robbed of the chance to hear how she was coping instead of just trying to read her expressions. Grief can make people seem insensitive as they battle to understand the concept of loss in their own minds. If this person truly is your friend, then I'm sure they would be horrified that they have upset you. Sometimes the right words just aren't there...... Please accept my humble and warm wishes for you and your lovely partner, may you hold each other alwaysxxxx
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Sensitive_Eyes
Not applicable
February 2012
When my life-long friend was dying of pancreatic cancer, her husband demanded that no-one was to ask her 'How are you?'. It's a basic courtesy after saying 'hello', and didn't mean 'tell me all the awful things you are going through'. I understand why he did that as it was so painful for him to hear her responses over and over again but, as her close friend, I felt robbed of the chance to hear how she was coping instead of just trying to read her expressions. Grief can make people seem insensitive as they battle to understand the concept of loss in their own minds. If this person truly is your friend, then I'm sure they would be horrified that they have upset you. Sometimes the right words just aren't there...... Please accept my humble and warm wishes for you and your lovely partner, may you hold each other alwaysxxxx
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Stitch
Contributor
February 2012
My husband does not like people to ask how I am, he gets teary & does not like it. But he listens to me when I tell my friends & I think that helps him as most seam to ask me lots of questions & he feels better when I answer so positive,it also lets him know how I am coping. Everyone deals differently. We have to accept our cancer - not much else we can do there. People have to accept how each individual themselves also deals with it I suppose. Some will run & hide - pretend they were never your friend. Others say nothing. Some ask the wrong thing at the wrong time. I think it must be scary for some friends to know that we are challenging ourselves with one of the worst feared words in the world - CANCER. Most peoples biggest fear ... Just enjoy what you have for today & know that you didnt waste time like most people do xxoo
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Stitch
Contributor
February 2012
My husband does not like people to ask how I am, he gets teary & does not like it. But he listens to me when I tell my friends & I think that helps him as most seam to ask me lots of questions & he feels better when I answer so positive,it also lets him know how I am coping. Everyone deals differently. We have to accept our cancer - not much else we can do there. People have to accept how each individual themselves also deals with it I suppose. Some will run & hide - pretend they were never your friend. Others say nothing. Some ask the wrong thing at the wrong time. I think it must be scary for some friends to know that we are challenging ourselves with one of the worst feared words in the world - CANCER. Most peoples biggest fear ... Just enjoy what you have for today & know that you didnt waste time like most people do xxoo
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purpleangels
Contributor
February 2012
Stitch! Wow! My husband and I were just saying.......... How he has been slapped in the face with his mortality and then you so succinctly put it...."just enjoy what you have for today and know you didn't waste time like a lot of people" so true and so comforting.....not judgmental....just a reality for so many dealing with illness.....it is a philosophy changing, personality changing, emotional changing, consumerism driven changing this cancer thing. And that is before we have even got to the physical change........... Mmmmmm maybe cancer just means "change"....... Your attitude, your thinking, your outlook, your friends, your family, your priorities, your dreams, your focus........mmmmmm. Keep planning Maddi!!!! PA
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SamR
Occasional Contributor
February 2012
Hi Purple Angel, Yes Cancer is LIFE CHANGING - there is no going back to the PRE Cancer days, even if there is "remission". That is the same with all LIFE EXPERIENCES though Good or Bad... but the Cancer Journey certainly puts you onto a different Life "Vector".... most realise the truly important things in Life, a tough way to learn the lessons, but worth it in the end. Hard though to see some family and friends who still just don't really get why you've changed. Good Wishes to all on the cancer journey and their families! Sam
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SamR
Occasional Contributor
February 2012
Hi Purple Angel, Yes Cancer is LIFE CHANGING - there is no going back to the PRE Cancer days, even if there is "remission". That is the same with all LIFE EXPERIENCES though Good or Bad... but the Cancer Journey certainly puts you onto a different Life "Vector".... most realise the truly important things in Life, a tough way to learn the lessons, but worth it in the end. Hard though to see some family and friends who still just don't really get why you've changed. Good Wishes to all on the cancer journey and their families! Sam
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SILLY
Super Contributor
February 2012
Well said,Sam.
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