well here i am

[jsbach]

If you had asked me 4 weeks ago about me logging into a cancer support site, i probably would have laughed at you. It's funny how quickly things change. And it's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. About 4 weeks ago I noticed a lump above my left collar bone that I hadn't seen before as immediately made an appointment with the doctor. I was then sent off for a barrage of blood tests and an ultrasound. The blood tests came back normal and the ultrasound revealed two lymph nodes (13mm and 15mm), both of which were diagnosed as reactive. I was then put on antibiotics and no change occurred. So last week I was back at the doctors and asked for a biopsy to be done. I received the results yesterday and things ended up going a bit haywire for me. The results of the FNA were Left cervical lymphadenopathy "contains cohesive groups of atypical epithelioid cells within a background of mixed inflammation and red blood cells. The cells have pleomorphic nuclei and prominent nuclei. Some of the group show some intercellular bridges and hard cytoplasmic edge, raising the possibility of squamous origin. Elsewhere the cells do not show differentiating features. Further investigation is recommended. CONCLUSION ATYPICAL EPITHELIAL CELLS SUGGESTIVE OF METASTATIC CARCINOMA I have to admit that most of the words are a little confusing. The conclusion, however, it pretty easy to understand. So the end result, I have an appointment with the oncologist on Tuesday to find out what next. I am hoping that it is not all gloom and doom and I am doing my best to stay positive about things. When I was told the results yesterday, I could not help feeling sorry for the doctor. She seemed apprehensive about telling me the results. Thankfully I could read her screen and broke the silence. Once the conversation had started, she was really helpful about finding me an oncologist who could see me early (otherwise I would have had to wait until mid December). My thanks go to her for her assistance and her kind manner. Take care everyone, Tim

[harker]

You can still laugh at us. It's much more palatable with some humour. Good health professionals are amazing people, aren't they. Even so, there's a fair bit that they just can't do for you. H

[sarah]

Hi Tim, it sounds to me like you are in shock. I recognise it immediately (been there for sure). It can help to post here, although at the time you may feel like it cannot "do" anything. And while there is truth in that, you will get great support here from people that get what you are going through, and really do understand. Sarah

[jsbach]

Well I saw the oncologist today and the news was not good. The likelihood is that I have stomach cancer. I now have a barrage of tests to go through and see how bad the cancer is. On the positive side, I don't feel sick, haven't lost weight (I have actually put a little bit on), am eating far too much and haven't lost any energy. Will post what the results are when I get them. Take care all Tim

[sarah]

Oh, Tim... it's such early days, I know them; I remember the overwhelming shock. For me it was like I was watching a movie, not sure if it's like that for everyone, or for you right now. Keep posting if it helps, and feel free to state what your needs are from the forum, and with friends and family. I hope that you can have a plethora of support right now while you contemplate the process ahead to your recovery.

[jsbach]

Thanks for that Sarah. I don't know if I am shock or not as I think I knew what the outcome was going to be today. Mind you, it kid of knocks you for a six when it happens doesn't it? The worst part now is having been told that it is probably stomach cancer and having to go through more tests and wait for the results only to have to wait for more time to find out the results. Didn't really help when the specialist told me that there is a very slight chance that it might not be. To be honest, I am hoping that it is not too bad (can having cancer be described like that?). There is far too much left that needs to be done that I haven't done yet. Am really glad that I came across this site - it helps to talk (or post a blog) take care Tim

[peanutz]

Here we are... not a good place to be but hope we will get through this 🙂

[jsbach]

CT and PET scans done today. Gastroscopy and core biopsy next week. Trying not to think about the what if type of questions. Have to admit that I am struggling to succeed.

[sarah]

Hi Tim, Yes, the hospital n i g h t m a r e .... Completely passive to the system and people that are taking care of you. All you can do is submit yourself to the process, even though - perhaps - all parts of you are screaming inside that "Noooooo... I don't want to do this". It can get rather grueling; the tests and appointments seeming to have no end, and these people blabbering at you stuff that your mind cannot begin to understand. It all happens so fast too. Or so it was, and still is for me. I couldn't believe that this was my life. Such is the stuff of trauma; the mind kind of dissociates. Again, such as it was/is for me. I only share in the hope that you can be assured that we know that what you are going through is no picnic, and people here do recognise this. You can say anything here we understand. Sarah

[Stace]

Tim, I have just read all your posts. I just wanted to wish you all the best of luck for the upcoming weeks, you will look back and probably realise the worst part was the bit you are going through right now. Thats what i found, the waiting to actually be diagnosed and find out which path you are heading down was the worst for me. Once i had a diagnosis and knew which treatment i was having etc i found i could get my head around it all, only one step at a time though. I didnt actually discover this site until after my treatment etc had finished and wish i had found it earlier, its almost like a new little family that can understand completely what you are going through. Goodluck for the next few weeks, we are all thinking of you. Stacey

[sarah]

Hi Stace, Hi Tim, What Stace says is true, it is only one step at a time, the mind can race to very far ahead with the what ifs. This can be really painful as speculating on something you cannot know is impossible. One step at a time is the way. Stace, I only discovered this site after treatment also. It would've been a great support throughout treatment as I felt very alone and confused, with a billion questions. Tim, I hope you have support around you, and comfort - lots of hugs right now will do a great thing to keep the body calm, lean as much as you can too. We are hear supporting. Please feel free to open up and lean here. sarah

[jsbach]

I had the gastroscopy today which, according to the specialist, should have been able to identify the primary site. It didn't. Instead it found a couple of other minor things but no sign of any primary site anywhere. I'm thinking that this, in a small way at least, is some good news as it seems to rule out one thing. Now I just need to wait for the PET and CT scan results. Hopefully then I can get the answers that I need but don't necessarily want. take care all Tim

[sarah]

Hi Tim, I just want to say hang in there.. but, of course, you are. it's probably all you can do. The waiting is very hard. I hope you have company that you can spend time with and keep those nerves down. xx Sarah