i cannot remember the last time i wrote. mum had a chest infection and after a week in hospital she went to a hospice, after one week in the hospice she came home as she decided she was not ready to pass away.mum spent two and a half beautiful weeks at home before returning to the hospice. on the doctors usual weekly visit she explained that mum had pneumonia and had had a mild stroke from brain tumor bleed and suggested mum return to hospice. mum passed away shortly after returning. it happened the way mum always spoke how she wanted it to...quick and peaceful. we are happy she isn't in pain or struggling any more. mum always said she didn't want me to remember her in the times that she was agitated and irritable and snappy towards me, how could i- those time dont compare to the beautiful times we had. all i know is that she is truly the most beautiful, brave and strongest women iv ever known, and ever will know.i will miss her deeply, she was my best friend. it has been a hectic few days preparing for the funeral.i feel like iv been blocking all thoughts of mum, as i know it will cripple me and i will brake down crying for my mum. for now im coping by blocking the sadness and being busy with family and preparing. i know i will crumble when everyone leaves. in a way i look forward to it, knowing i can be free to brake down whenever i want. tommorrow we are having the service, i tried my hardest to arrange it the way she wanted, although a few things were taken out of my hands. iv tried not to let that stuff worry me and hope that mum will be happy with the day. it will be a sad day, and after tommorow will be the beginning of a new 'normal', time to create a new 'normal' without her. i am scared to imagine how hard it will be and the pain i will feel when i let down my guard and let the feelings flow freely.....
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