Burnt out

[Ness001]

My fiance was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in October last year and things moved really quickly. Without discussing it with me first our house was packed up and moved in with his parents. When I got upset he told me didn't realise he didnt discuss it with me but if I chose to leave now I would be leaving him and it would be over. I stayed in the house and have been very unhappy since but was promised his parents would be taking a lot of the burden from me. Treatment started and what was going to be a shared arrangement has quickly turned into me doing 95% of his care arrangements. I take him to chemo, manage his medications, monitor his temps and manage his mental health. Even the things he is capable of doing, he puts pressure on me to do.

His parents dont seem to believe mental health is a real set of conditions and on the first day of moving in I was told I won't fit in if I get upset. Every time I talk about my feelings his dad calls me precious. They also keep telling their son all the bad stories they know of people dying from cancer. I have continued working and I work with traumatised people everyday and I feel like i come home and am expected to managed other peoples trauma at home then the parents tell these stories and I spend the rest of the night talking to my partner and encouraging him to be positive.

When I have asked for alone time I am pressured not to go and get texts from my partner the whole time asking when I will be back.

The parents have a neighbour whose partner recently left him while he has a medical condition and now they make jokes all the time by calling me her name and saying I'm going to leave.

Ive been pretty vocal that I'm not coping and no one listens to me, there is only concern shown for my partner. 2 days ago we got into an argument about me not coping and all I wanted was to be told I matter and my wellbeing is equally important and I was told by his entire family that he is the priority and I just need to deal with it. I ended up having a huge panic attack and suicidal where i ended up being placed under an EEA. My partner and his mother have begun to realise my situation I'm in but even after sharing my point of view his siblings, father and grandmother have put a lot of blame on me. 

I stay in hope that things will improve and we can get back to our own house but I'm so unhappy and in so much pain now I dont know how to cope.

[Frostling]

You're an extremely wonderful person to love your partner so deeply that you'd put up with such a situation but please remember someone else that deserves your love even more than he does  - you.

Focus on showing all that fantastic love to looking after yourself because it's very clear that none of them will. Do what you need to do. Plan it out so you can do it safely and without causing you to become homeless then implement it. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Leave.

They will beg, lie, plead, guilt-trip, gas-light you and promise heaven and earth to keep you but let's review the facts.

1. Your partner has a family that can support and care for him through this awful time.  It doesn't have to be you as his carer.

2. They don't respond to any efforts that you've made to communicate and solve issues. Why would they even do so if you say you're leaving especially given all that's already happened?

3. They've burned you up to such a point that you've had a major panic attack.

It won't be easy but please do it. You are in an abusive situation and you deserve better. Don't let your partner and his family cut you off from your friends and family.  Don't let them make you their slave or their 'savior'. They will hate you for leaving but they've really given you no choice.

If there's one statement that I hope you take away from this, it's this -  cancer does NOT excuse shitty behavior.

Here's a link to lifeline. They have services and hopefully you can maybe talk to someone a bit more about how to proceed.

https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/get-help-home

Good luck to you  - even if you decide not to go ahead with this, I hope you at least find ways to focus on showing yourself the care you deserve and telling your partner and his family to piss off.

In anycase, I'll keep an eye out for your posts. I'm cheering for you regardless of whatever you choose as long as it makes you happy! 😃

[Traci-Renee]

Ness001,

My ❤️ Breaks for you.  You are such a nice, caring and obviously love your boyfriend.   Can you return back to your house?  If your boyfriend wants to stay with his parents, then maybe you should do your normal stuff, work etc.   and then go see him after stay with him a few hours and go home.  His family sounds  selfish and wants  you to do everything, and treat you like you don’t or shouldn’t be doing anything else.  Well maybe if you give them a little taste of reality and if your not living there then, they will have to help him.   Then they will either respect you and know that YOU MATTER MORE THAN THEY WANT TO BELIEVE or your boyfriend will get a taste of reality and want to come home.   That also pisses me off that they would call you by the neighbors wife’s name or Princess.  How rude, they sound real immature.  I hat kind of cancer does he have?  I’m going thru Cancer with my husband and it’s extremely hard, not to feel appreciated but he is nice to his friends.  So my husband is selective on who he wants to be nice to.  If we get into an argument he tells my kids and they are early 20’s to 19 and 16.  And he is automatically right and I’m an Ass.  I’m so sick of being picked apart by all.  I an getting depressed and have recently been put on medication.  I have severe anxiety and panic attacks.  Please know that you matter, because you truly do.  It’s sad because now you get to see how important and rude his family is to you, when they should be thanking you up and down.  I’m so sorry you are going they this.  But for your own health, don’t stay there, go to your house or stay with your family.  But I wouldn’t want to be in the house with your fiancé’s family any longer.  Please take care of yourself.  ❤️ We are here for you...

[Traci-Renee]

Frosting, Best advice ever!!!! ❤️

[Frostling]

My thanks and your post as well was lovely too, Traci-Renee 😃

Your own situation sounds pretty tough. I don't mean to pry but are you getting time-off from it so so you can have a break? Any other family members or friends pitching in? It sounds like you're the only carer which is extremely admirable but you deserve support too!  Glad that you're not being in tricked into thinking that you're in the wrong during arguments.

[Traci-Renee]

Frosting,   Thank you for you kind post.  No unfortunately you guys are my support.  I’m not gonna say I’m always right, bc I can only see what I see from my perspective.  Fortunately we all have our perspective on things.   I take care of my husband and my mother, late at night.  I’m an old school big mouthed Italian girl. I can do it all, mentality.  But when he brings the kids into it, his side versus mine.  Is just plain out wrong.   So right now I’m not talking to anyone in my house.  I just do what I’m suppose to do and try to hold my tears back.  My daughter and I are probably so much alike, that we argue up a storm.  She is constantly rolling her eyes at me. Not including me in a conversation.  It’s hurtful.  And yes she is my biological daughter.  My middle son has always been sweet, but now he listens to my daughter, which I find funny bc she’s always been mean to him.  So now it seems she is trying to drive a wedge along with her dad to make him angry with me.  Then my 2nd son the baby had always been a mommas boy and they are getting to him.  Which has never happed ever and breaks my heart, more than anything.  He went to give me a kiss this morning and I turned my check.  I know it wasn’t the best thing to do, but I’m so hurt.  They all go out, don’t have to be hands on with their dad bc they know I’m here.  They can live their lives and be present when they want, I don’t want them to miss life and have been told by Couselor that I’m doing the right thing.  Let them be kids and unfortunately I have to deal with everything.   But when the time comes and he gets sicker they will have to deal with it then.  He yells at them to but little stuff, like what were you F-in thinking.   Me he screams at and calls me names.  And I’ve told him I’m unhappy, that if I try to talk to him I’m delusional, I’m wrong.  All the stuff you would say when your guilty and trying to make the other person feel as thought their feelings don’t count.  My dr. Put me on anxiety meds and depression med.  he has put me thru a lot.  We almost divorced in 2014 and I wanted to save the marriage.  I thought he did to, but to recently find out that he is still friends with people I believe had something to do with it.  Even if they didn’t but I wanted my marriage and I knew they would infuriate my wife, who stayed in the marriage, when again he wronged us.  I just am hurting in a million ways.  I don’t want to be taking care of him and always everyday it pops in my head does he love me or didn’t.   Especially if something happens...to be left with that in my head, is cruelty beyond belief.   I love this man, I married this man, I have three beautiful kids with this man.  Why is he just trying to destroy me, with our kids with my heart...🤷🏻‍♀️💔.   Thank you for listening, I’m sorry...the last few days have been aweful and they have been very mean.    I will finish crying and act like I’m ok, till I leave the house then I cry again.  You are absolutely a wonderful person.  Cancer Sure Does Suck the life out of not only the person who has it!  But all those who are close and love that person with everything they got.   

[Frostling]

Traci-Renee - like the original poster, I don't know all the particulars of your situation and can only go off what you've mentioned, my own experiences and what I've found in my own research. Apologies ahead of a time if I hit any nerves or I post stuff that you've already seen - the following post comes from a desire to hopefully support an awesome Italian girl. 🙂

I understand the thinking of letting your children have as much of as a normal life as possible but wouldn't it nicer (especially for the older ones) to ease them into it by getting their support with things like helping with more jobs around the house which could also help ease your burden? Another advantage could be that they could feel like they're contributing to the situation.  In anycase, I've included one of the cancer council documents which I hope might be of use to you (if you haven't seen already 🙂 )   At the very least - it might be worth sitting down and having a discussion with them on how they might like to help out and contribute?

https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/UC-pub-Talking-to-Kids-CAN737-DEC-2018-1...

Mostly I'm just shocked by your psychologist - it is horrifying to me that they'd expect you to shoulder all of this. Apologies but it might be worth perhaps getting a second opinion ? It wouldn't matter to me if you were Wonder woman herself - no one should have to shoulder the weight of the world.   I'm including a link to a carer's website/call number and hope that it might be of more help to you .     https://counselling.carergateway.gov.au/s/

https://www.findacarer.com.au/  - is one of a few websites on helping find carers that can help you. Perhaps so you could at least have a night off once a week? Carers like yourself deserve to have a life outside of cancer too!

Please make no mistake - I am in no way saying how you're doing things is wrong but I'm fearful of the harm that it's doing to you and things that are important to you like your relationships with your children.  I hope that you might consider perhaps thinking of other methods and solutions which may hopefully lead to you to a better situation than your current one.

Regardless of anything, please know that you have my admiration and respect. Your family is lucky to have you!  All the best for the future.  No matter what, please know you have my full support as I can feel that the majority of what you do is from a place of love for those around you.

[Traci-Renee]

Thank you for your post Frostling.  It’s nobody’s fault but mine, I don’t ask for help.  Asking for help to me is saying I can’t do this.  I know it sounds crazy but I’m trying to keep as much of the kids and myself lives as much to normal as I can.  Haha if that sounds normal.  It’s very hard for me to ask anyone for anything.   I don’t call anyone like I use to, I’m shutting down and just trying to stay focused on my immediate family and my husband.   See me and the original poster have differences.  She isn’t married to him.  I have the most respect for her and feel so bad that she is being treated so poorly from her future in-laws.  I have been married to my husband 22yrs together 28.  His family doesn’t live near us, nor does my family except my mom who is difficult with her mental health and medical problems and everything should be about her...while I’m dealing with cancer with my husband, my children, my house.  And trying to breathe.   I don’t like having people I don’t know helping me.  And I am definitely the person if my kids fold something wrong...yes to me wrong I refold it and get upset, bc if your gonna hell you do it how I do it mentality.  So it’s hard to help me and me appreciate it bc I’m upset that you helped, not that you so much folded the item wrong.  Just the you think I can’t do this...I know it’s crazy...it’s just how I am and it’s sad.  But thank you for your great advice.  I just am not one to want or need the help.  Thank you for being supportive to me and my crazy ways.  Xo

[VM]

Cancer does not only effect good and gracious people. It also latches on to nasty self absorbed individuals. His behaviours have been learned from his parents. I am sad to say that nothing good will come of this no matter how much sacrifice and heart ache you invest. You may not have signed up for the cancer ...but you most definitely did not sign up to be abused. time to go hun

[Traci-Renee]

Hi VM,  I absolutely agree with you and your amazing advice.  I don’t know anyone who signs up for cancer.  My heart breaks for her.  She obviously loves him and is dedicated to her fiancé,  but I question his dedication for her.  He shouldn’t be letting his parents or anyone hurt her in any way, shape or form.   My question is are they doing this behind his back and not infront of him.  It doesn’t really matter, bc this doesn’t sound like a great living arrangement mentally for her.  But I do get she’s in a damned if she stays and damned if she goes situation.  But the mental abuse and physical isn’t worth it.  I truly hope she has family to help her realize she is amazing, loved and has great dedication but mostly how much SHE DOES MATTER...❤️