Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

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Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

My Dad has been battling prostate cancer for many years now, he's quiet young. It metastasised to the liver and he's been given 6-12 months, he got the news a few weeks ago. I have been able to keep up a brave face for the family and they need someone to keep it together.... but i'm absolutely devastated. I have no one to talk to - i have friends but its such heavy news for people who haven't experienced it and i don't want to burden people with my problems. I don't want to be upset in front of anyone - my family in particular, but it feels like i can't breathe at times, like a weight is just on top of my chest. Anyone who has been through this please tell me what helped. I have so many mixed feelings of guilt and sadness.  Writing this has been tough, but its feel better - cancer doesnt discriminate and i know everyone on here is going through a journey. If anyone can help, even just a gentle word - hopefully i can return the favour one day

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Frequent Contributor

Re: Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

Greetings Sebsss,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your father but everyone here has an understanding or an rough understanding of what exactly what your going through - This is the soul purpose of these forums to inform one another and to support one another. Your pains and your journey is our journey. Remember we are an community, so please do post whatever feelings you have, your no burden at all! But apart of this family instead and please never do forget that! 

 

You don't need always to be strong, it's okay to feel your feelings, it's okay to break down and it's okay to cry - no human is ever that* strong, trust me. You are an person, you need to be heard and understood and I wish to hear more about your story, very much so please  tell me????

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Re: Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

I wish I could be in your shoes. 

 

To give you some context my old man died 6 years ago. At first I thought about him every day. Then every 2 days, then 3 time a week. I still think about him a lot.

 

All situations are different but for my family, when my pop was sick he did not want to be coddled like a lepar. He wanted to be treated like a normal person. 

 

Have an awesome Christmas, kwanza, easter, birthday, superbowl party or something that you will remember. And take lots of pictures especially if he has not deteriorated yet. I actually deleted and destroyed the ones of my pop the last week. He was a shell of a man he was before. Too hard to look at. But the ones we look at all the time, baseball games, football games, surprise bday party, trip to Vegas. Those moments that you forget someone is sick and you are just being family are the ones you need to hold onto. 

 

 

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Re: Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

I'm thinking that as Dad is quite young then you are as well. I also expect sharing with friends of similar age is difficult. I understand your feelings of having to be on top of everything for the family's sake. I have just been through the same situation. I am glad you have the courage to speak out here. Guilt and sadness are normal. Guilt and grief for all the disagreements and hurts...and sadness for the times and opportunities missed. 

A wonderful person connected with me on this group when I feared I was talking into the abyss. Their words have been like a little candle helping to show the way through, despite their own journey.

My wish for you is that you find such a person here or anywhere else who will be that calming presence like this person has been for me.

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Re: Dads coming towards the end - just need to talk

Hi Sebsss, I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I am sorry to hear that your family is going through this really difficult ordeal. I definitely understand how you feel about opening up to friends who haven't experienced this because they will never be able to comprehend the mental/emotional/physical/psychological and possibly financial stress that people like us go through. I so feel for you, my family and I are still recovering from the loss of my beautiful mother, we learned about her stage 4 breast cancer (metastasized in lungs) just last Jan 2020, her lungs failed her in the end last Apr 22 and all of us in the family were not ready for it and were still very hopeful then that she will be with us till October. But yea, God had other plans. I am not sure if you are a spiritual person but looking back, I realized I survived the pain of it all with the help of prayers and trusting that whatever happens to my Mom, God can love her more than we do. I was born Catholic but was never really spiritual as such but during that period, I am not sure why I started praying a lot again and I still do to this date. Maybe that time I did it because it gave me hope, when doctors were telling me that my Mom was dying and I just need to wait for that day, like you, I wanted to be strong for my family whilst I openly cry in front of them, praying became an outlet for me to really speak out what I am feeling, no filters needed and it helped me. Being in forums like this community and watching youtube videos on life after death helped me too coz it made me realize that I wasn't the only one who was having it tough and as for the life after death videos, I guess it gave me an assurance somehow that when my Mom leaves she will be fine ( I will never know if there is really life after death or if there is really God until I die myself but yea, it makes me feel million times better holding on to faith than not having it at all).

 

Keep making memories, take videos and photos lots of it, pamper and spoil ur Dad, give him what he wants and fulfill all his wishes, sort out any legal docs (any assets/bank accts in his name) while he is still capable and if he is ready that he is gonna go soon, discuss his funeral wishes too. 

 

Take care of yourself above all, cry it all out if you need to and don't ever hold back on doing that. Openly discuss how you are feeling with your family, I am sure that they are feeling the same way and like you, they must be dying to open up their emotions as well. Even after Mom passed away, in my family we cry in front of each other till now and no one says anything, we have a silent understanding that we need the tears to cope with grief. Lastly, looks like you are quite close to your Dad, all I can say is accept that life will never be the same again when he is gone, the easy part for me was the sleepless nights in hospital and everything I needed to do for my Mom when she was still fighting. The hardest part is now, when she will never be around me ever and I can only talk to her in my mind and just imagine how she would have responded. I am far from being normal again and I am just living with the fact that at some point it will not hurt as much hopefully. So yea, mentally ready yourself for a new normal but always think about the brighter sides too else you will feel really negative about it- I always think now that Mom is not in pain and resting way better now and anyway death is certain for everyone so appreciate living and if there is really after life, I look forward to meeting her again someday.

 

keep safe and hoping to hear from you again!

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