Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

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Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

about 5 weeks ago my mother (82) was to have an operation to remove a tumor from her stomach. Then, only a day before the operation the doctors decided that she was too weak to take the operation and cancelled it. We were told there was nothing they can do and informed us that she only had about a month or two to go. My mother is now in palliative care but very alert, good appetite, walking a little with the aid of a frame, absolutely sick of hospital, but with a bloated stomach and recently developed water weeping from her legs which have become very swollen. Looking back I can't help being cynical about them cancelling the operation, going ahead with the op could have atleast given her a chance of a normal life even if for a short time, even she would have preferred to take that chance rather then a slow painful death.
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Hiya SirNicketyNox I am sorry to hear about your mother. Mine is the same age and it would be terrible if she had something wrong with her and nothing was able to be done. Thoughts are with you! Julie
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Thanks for you kind words Julie, It's interesting how bad times like these bring people together so much closer. I was a child since the last time my mother and I were this close and spent so much time together. When you know you are losing someone you love and care about so much nothing else matters as much any more. I still have my usual responsibilities, work, kids, etc. but I have been able to spend a lot of quality time with mum over the last 5 weeks which for some reason was hard to achieve before. So as bad as things are there's always a little bit good that comes out of it. Thanks again Julie, Marek
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Ahhh Marek You must be reading my mind! I was thinking about this the other day. Julie
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Hi Marek, I lost my mother to secondary stomach cancer 4 years ago when she was aged 66 and even then I experienced what you went through with your mother somewhat - its never easy to lose your mother, no matter how people dress it up or justify it. Keep the happy memories going as it will be your reserve bank when you encounter the darker days 🙂 Now that I have had cancer myself, I can imagine what she must have gone through and what she must have been thinking. My thoughts and best wishes are with you Teach.
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

My heart breaks for you and your mother. This is very close to my own heart also. I have to speak out. I am so fed up with how our medical system runs in this country. If your mother agreed to the surgery and wanted to take a chance, then she should have been allowed to make that decision and not have it dictated to by a doctor. Equally as maddening as this is, Why bother suggesting this to her and then saying, nup sorry she's too weak? Its irresponsible and incredibly insensitive. You won't be suprised to learn, that your healthcare, my healthcare isn't something we control ourselves, its in the hands of medical professionals via the govt, and they ultimately make the call. Your wishes are disregarded over their opinions. My late father was initially told they would replace his hip, then they decided not to, but to just put pins in his femur, meanwhile a hip replacement would have been a better option and would have given him less pain when the end came. There is a dangerous mentality here within the medical profession that if you are too old, or terminally ill, you aren't worth performing procedures on and are treated like a second class citizen. They do give up and just shove palliative care down your throat as well as alot of painkillers giving those who are terminally ill a chance to die in a dinky little room under a morphined out cloud. Palliative Care to some might be good, but its not good enough. Its a shame that healthcare isn't like the US, its not their job to make a moral call, if your 92 and want a hip replacement, you'll get it. Here they will do what they can to avoid it and tell you they are too old to have it (in other words, they decree that a 92 year old is not worth a hip replacement). Palliative Care in this country is crap compared to the way its practiced and administered in the US and I'm not afraid to say it. My advice to you, is to possibly seek another professional opinion by a completely different specialist. Someone that is prepared to work with you and your mother. I wish you all the best
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Thanks Teach, Even with all the problems and hardships in life there are lots of happy memories, but I just can't help thinking that more could have been done for mum, can't help thinking that I could have been stronger by insisting action when the decision was made not to go ahead with the operation to remove the tumor, and it worries me that maybe the decision not to go ahead with the operation was made just because mum is too old, because 82 just doesn't balance the books. I may be completely wrong but just the thought of this being possible and my mother dying because of this is sickening. It's wearing me down a bit.
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Hi Sir Nicketty Nox I can relate to what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. My mothers cancer metastasised to her brain and we were told that surgery may have been an option as the tumour was in a position where it might be removable. We made the appointment after some seizures and I had a blow up at the doctors when mum was in hospital only to see the nurosurgeon and be told unless it got as big as an orange they wouldn't touch it. He smiled at us shook our hands and we were on our way. I wanted to jump across the desk and smack him out. How dare he smile at us and send us on our way. I again encountered the same feelings when we were told she could have no further treatment as there was nothing more that they could do. My mum was prepared to have the treatment/any treatment. It breaks your heart and you would do anything to help them, ease there suffering. I send you both my prayers and big hugs. Sammycat
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Hi everyone, I don;t come on here very often, but just wanted to add a little here, might be a little opposing to what you have all said but at the same time I hear you and understand all you have said. If it were me Sir N N I would be getting more opinions. My experience with cancer, docs, hospitals and pal care etc so far have been nothing but outstanding. Who knows maybe its because I was a 29 year old mother of 3 diagnosed with terminal bowel ca and given 6-12 months to live, (that was 28 months ago) that has them treating me differently. I walked into the surgeons office to have my lung removed only to have him tell me he wasn't convinced it was the right thing to do as the pathology results of the lung tumors they had found were not consistant with lung ca but more like a ca from the abdo. So I told him to check my bowel. 3 days later i was in for a bronchoscopy, laproscopy and colonoscopy....which turned into a 4 hr colon resection. Not a pneumonectomy (Lung removal) This wouldn't have happened if I didn;t speak up and tell him what I thought was wrong with me. Next doc I saw was the radiotherapy onc. She referred me to pal care I told her no need they are for people who are dying and I'm not....she looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes and said "honey you have terminal cancer and the only treatment we can do is to keep you comfortable til the end" I told her if she wasn't going to treat me outside the square and TRY HER BEST to get me into remission, I didn;t want her on my medical team......she was 8 months pregnant, looked at me with my 8 month old baby on my lap and she cried and said ok I'm on your team, lets do it 🙂 I then said that to every doc I saw.....my aim was to be the miracle case they all want and if they didn't think they could spare the time to look into alternatives and trials and extra treatments or surgeries that would keep me alive then I didn't want them on my team. After all its my life they have in their hands, why shouldn't I pick and choose whose hands they are to save me. My baby is now 3 and my eldest is 8. Pal care check in on me every 2 weeks via phone and pop out if I feel like a chat with them. They have been great in suggesting good antinausea drugs and other stuff I can ask them over the phone, don;t write them off, as far as I'm concerned they are there if I need them, but ultimately i am hoping one day they will be able to discharge me from their books 🙂 I'm still on treatment now, but doing well. Sir N N I hope ur mum is doing ok and u r spending good times with her, and still looking for a good surgeon. Cheers Mihalo
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Re: Everyone has given up and left my mother to die.

Hi Mihalo Kudos to you for your gutsy attitude!! Julie
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