Exwife diagnosed with cancer

[Exhusband021404]

Hi, I’m new to the group. I simply need to talk to someone that may have the same situation as I’m in.

Recently my wife has been diagnosed with bile duct cancer. And it was one of our kids that told me the shocking news. 
I felt numb, useless, and an utter sadness that simply is unexplainable.

My exwife simply hates everything about me, that I am the worse, selfish, liar she ever met. Like I never existed,

But before our world came crumbling down. She wasn’t like that.

I’m at a lost, not knowing what’s going on. And our kids won’t divulge info as well.

It’s hard, very hard.

[sch]

Hi,

Thanks for writing up about this.

Look, to be honest, I don't think that there is a great deal that you can do.

Maybe you could ask the children to pass on a message that you are thinking of her and that you are there if she wants to talk/vent. The next step is up to her.

Just bear in mind that the fact that your children won't discuss this with you isn't their fault. They have to abide by your wife's wishes no matter their thoughts or feelings on the matter.

Best of luck!

-s

[Exhusband021404]

Hi Sch,

At the moment that’s all I been doing. I try not to overwhelm her and the kids by calling and messaging too much.

I told them that I will be here for them when they need me. 

[MyheroCoolSpy]

Did she already responded? Let your existence be known to her.

[Exhusband021404]

Hi Mycoolspy,

We are finally talking and I’m able to see her and the kids, as long as we don’t talk about anything to do with her condition.

Me, the kids and the rest of the family are simply doing what she wishes. 

I know it’s extremely hard for her to accept what is going on,  but we as a family are hoping that things will change for the better.

We just have to be strong.

Regards

Ex

[MyheroCoolSpy]

That's good to hear.  Yes, the key is to be brave and not to show weakness in front of her. Sending my hugs for her! Don't give up, everything is possible when you believe.

[Exhusband021404]

I have to be strong for the kids sake, I don’t show any emotions when I’m with them. We don’t even talk about their moms condition. It’s a way to get their mind out of that situation. Since they are with her all the time.

[Budgie]

Hi @Exhusband021404 ,

It's OK for you to show your emotions in front of your kids, & anyone else for that matter.  Sometimes crying is a great medicine.   Regarding not talking about your wife's illness with your kids - I think that's a mistake.  They might have questions they don't feel comfortable asking their mum, and talking things thru is a fantastic therapy. 

My eldest sister died of  breast cancer after suffering for 11 years.  She left behind a husband & 5 kids.  During the 11 years that she was ill, she never spoke to her kids about what was happening  - she was just sick.  After she died, her eldest boy, who was 18 at the time, turned to alcohol.   He said to me once that the biggest regret he had was the family didn't talk about her illness, even after she died.  Nothing was explained to them.  Its been 17 years since she died now, & the family is just starting to reconcile.   You may think the kids won't understand or want to talk about their mum, but even young kids will understand if you talk things thru in a language they can relate to.   And be honest with them. 

I hope your wife recovers - best wishes.

Budgie 

[Exhusband021404]

Hi Budgie,

I was pretty emotional when I found out my exwife was diagnosed. It really hit me hard, so as my son. My daughter on the other hand, basically accepted the facts and what might happen. 

I did try to talk to both of them heart to heart, but they simply shut me down, and doesn’t want to talk about. It’s because their mum doesn’t want me to know.  

I told them that whatever your mum wants, we should all do it for her.

I did tell my kids that if they need to talk or whatever, I’ll be there for them. And not to bottle up their emotions.  The last time I saw them, they seemed ok and acting normally with me.

I’m doing okay now, slowly going back to a bit of normality. I just have keep going, be there for my kids, and stay strong.

[Livingwithhope]

Absolutely, I totally agree!🙂💕