HOW To Deal With The Anger Of A Loved One?

[Prevailing]

Today was not a good day for me and to be quite truthful, I feel emotionally beat up. My husband who has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer has become angry and bitter to the point that he seems to be taking it out on me. This is why I sought out a support group for families and friends of loved ones. It seems that nothing I do is good enough right now in his eyes. Today which happens to be my birthday ended on such a sour note, that all I want to do right now is cry. The day started off with me trying to be upbeat and trying to keep his spirits up. I cooked a special dinner for us and he complained about the food. Everything I cook lately is not good enough. Everything I do isn’t good enough. I try to talk about faith and God, he says, THE IS NO CURE FOR CANCER! He seems to have lost his desire to live and doesn’t want me to express any type of hope or joy. I feel emotionally abused and I don’t know how to help him. He was getting hormonal treatment then started radiation, but said that was making him sick. He stopped the treatment midway because he said the hospital was just trying make money off of him and he cursed out the doctors. Another hospital wants him to start chemotherapy, but he doesn’t like them because he says they are young and don’t know what they are talking about. He doesn’t like me to tell him that he should stop smoking and he doesn’t want me to give him advice on eating healthy. I feel like he just wants to push me away. I feel like he is angry and mad at life or God perhaps and is taking it out on me because I am the closest person to him. So my question is how do you deal with the love one’s anger and is this typical of a cancer patient become bitter and angry to the point that they starting hurting the people who care and love them?

[Groenevelt68]

Yes, he is pushing you away, as he is trying to minimise the pain you are suffering but in doing so does not realise that you are suffering. Does stage 4 prostrate cancer mean he has a high change of dying? If so, what was the time limit? Perhaps he just wants to enjoy the last of his life his way. Remind him you are there for better or worse and that you would prefer to create wonderful memories of the time you are together. Take trips (outings, day trips) places that hubby would like to see, like to do. Perhaps a visit to a doctor/social worker (who is older) and discuss the issues. It is not easy when a loved one lashes out at us, but they do it, because they trust us, they know that at the end of the day, we still love them. Get the meds checked, as some can effect behaviour. Good luck

[EmmaTM]

A lot of his anger could be his grief. I am also about to lose my husband, to a brain tumour. A counsellor I saw recently pointed out to me that while myself and the rest of the family are losing one person, my husband is losing all of us - I can't imagine how painful I would find it if I was to loose a lot of people all at once. My husband and I also have different beliefs about spirituality, and approach illness differently etc. While I initially approached his treatment with sheer optimism, I gradually accepted that this was not what he needed, and eventually let go of the outcome I wanted for him. It didn't seem to change much in terms of his anger, but I found it easier to let go. I had to accept that he had every right to approach his treatment the way he wanted to, on his terms, without me ramming my beliefs down his throat. I found that I received great support from counsellors and social workers, and it was helpful for me to hear from them that I was doing a great job in looking after my husband. I also found it helpful to hear from the oncologists treating my husband that we had done everything we possibly could to treat his tumour (we recently found out that the treatments were not working). I hope this helps you a bit.

[smartyaligatorp]

My husband has just yesterday passed on from general skin cancer that he fought valliantly for many many years. Since March this year when we received the terminal diagnosis and throughout his palliative radiotherapy he became very withdrawn, angry; pushing me away and raged against all that I was offering. As with other repliers I sought counselling to adjust my behaviours as what I was doing only seemed to cause more angst and grief. He also on my 50th in July and on our 27th wedding anniverary this month continued to push me away with anger - all I believe to be directed towards making his final steps of less impact - as if they ever would. It is so very very lonely to lose the love of your life and to know they lose all of us - they do not give up the fight, valliantly challenging the beast with all that they have - just sometimes the arrows are relentless regardless of their commitment. My belief is that they remain with us and there for us when needed. It's just that I am so very selfish and sorely miss his physical presence that I am raging against totally accepting his new journey. I pray that your journey is supported by loved ones and that the days and time spent are positive and purposeful. Yesterday I was told hearing is the final sense to go... Craig's IPod had been blaring out his music choices non-stopfor 5 days both at home and during his final 3 days in palliative care and during his last hours, every song of the 600+ that are recorded were ones that he either loved, held close and sang along to....something to hold on to - keep talking, TAPPS: tolerance, acceptance, patience, persistence and self-control....not easy but so very very true. You are in my prayers.