Mum has a few weeks left...she is in the U.K LONG POST

[Jova]

My mum has pancreatic cancer and has refused all further treatment the drs said a few weeks when she came home she then said I have days left.

   Shes very sleeply all the time, the carers from Macmillan came in and have increased her morphine for the pain as the tumour has spread and pushing on the stomach and bowels.  She has a tube for draining her stomach. Can only talk a little when she is awake as her mouth is dry and takes little sips of water to wash it out.  And she physically  cannot turn her self over  she needs someone to do it

-this is what my brother has described to me the situation is at home, I am here  in Sydney.  When I left England in late February she was bright, mobile eatting and drinking not a huge amount but enough not to lose any more weight..

  And apparently the last lot of chemo and radiotherapy had shrink the cancer (my mother lied) I thought I had time to save up for UK quarantine and flights for one adult four kids and I would be there when this situation occurred.  

I am on carers payment for my two boys so a loan or a credit card is not an option

I am devastated not only I cant be there for my mums last days I wont be able to be there for the funeral either.  I can't chat or text to my mum if I try to phone she is asleep and the only time I have caught her awake, it was like a party going on in her room, I have alot of siblings, so lots of partners and kids.  I dont expect it to be dead set quiet but just wanted to talk to my mum.

  Yes its selfish of me to expect my brothers to give some space and my mum cant hold the phone herself.  I am only close to one of my brothers so he is the only one texting and ringing me, like I'm doing with him.  I feel so tired all the time and have a headache that wont go away.  Feel like I should get the doctor to increase my antidepressants as I am being to have no patience with anyone.  Which is my sign that maybe they arent working to good.

So after this long post what would you do if you were me? How should I feel?  Surely this must of happened to someone else or knowing my luck probably not

[Budgie]

Hi @Jova ,

Your Mum obviously didn't want her illness to stand in the way of your life.  That is so typical of mothers, isn't it?

You are not being selfish with how you are feeling - you have a right to expect at bit of quiet while you're trying to speak with your Mum, especially when she couldn't move to a quieter area.  I also have a lot of siblings (7 in total), & our situation there sounds similar.  

My Mum died from an unknown primary, hence - no treatment, but they suspected ovarian cancer.  Fortunately tho, my brother called me when they couldn't wake her up one morning & I was able to drive up the next day (I was in Canberra, she was in Newcastle).  When I saw her I was shocked because her abdomen was so big she looked like she was 11 months pregnant.  I hadn't seen her in a few months so, depending on how fast your Mum's tumour grows, it could be a matter of days, especially if she gives up. 

My Mum was in a hospice & she was quite happy there as it was a nice place, & she'd been alone at home, trying to look after herself.  Anyway, in the end, the nurses were about to roll her over in bed; they warned us that when people are unresponsive like she was, they usually die not long after they do that, & to be ready to go into her room as soon as they'd finished.  That is exactly what happened.   Not 10 minutes after they had rolled her over, she had gone.  It was very hard to watch her take her last breath, but I was lucky enough to be there.

I know it would never be the same as actually being with her, but if there's no possible way for you to be there, perhaps your brother may be able to do a video link with you?  At least then, you'd be able to see her.   And, if you could do that as often as you can before she passes -. Well, I know it's not the same as being there, but at least you could see her more.

Maybe you can call the Cancer Council on 131120 & see if they have any suggestions on how to help?  

I wish you all the best

Budgie 

[Jova]

Thank you Budgie for replying to me and also sharing your personal story with me. 

Holy heck, I am so sorry that you had to find out that way about your mums cancer, that's heartbreaking.  No time to think  just reactionary. 

When my youngest brother is doing the night with mum, he has no problem doing whats app or messenger (video link),after a long time thinking last night and a bottle of bourbon!

I think I have to be glad that I have one awesome brother (1 out of 9 ain't bad 🙄)  and that I did have time with mum before she got sicker.

I am going to sent an email to my mum and ask my brother to read it to her.

But thank you so much for replying.  It means alot ♥️

[Livingwithhope]

Hi Nova

It's a month since your sad post, I feel so much for you, and for your Mum. Such a terrible situation.

How are you coping? Maybe it's rude to ask, but I'd like you to know someone this side of the world (Aussie) is thinking of you and wishing you healing and recovery x

[Jova]

Hi  thank you.

My mum passed not long after I put the post up the 

16th April.    I dearly miss her as we txt and video call most days,  but it's getting better it's not so raw.

And I dont habour any guilt now, which was the big one for me, I have accepted that I could do what I could. 

I have a cry when I think about all the things I want to tell her. Like my youngest starting day care and that after 20 yrs living in Aus, Im going to do my citizenship test.

* she would tell me finally you lazy b!tch. 😂

I am going to have a memorial corner for my mum so I feel like I have somewhere to go and tell her all these things- I wont hear her funny sarcasm back but I can imagine.

my siblings decided not to have funeral at all, just an unattended cremation which the last of my mum monies paid for- this I was sad about.  But it's on them what they do...but the crazy thing is I think mum would of accepted it- my mum was a very non fussy and tell you how it is person.

[Budgie]

Hi @Jova ,

I'm so sorry for your loss.   At least, she's at peace now.  Take care of yourself.  💙🌻

[Jova]

Hi Budgie, thank you for your message and thank you to everyone who has read my post.  It was a really pleasant surprise to have emails that are caring.

❤