Mum has been suffering from breast ca mets over the last two years and is now palliative, still at home, but relatively bed bound. It’s evident she hasn’t got much time left, maybe a month or two. My parents live over an hour away so regular visits particularly recently has proven to be difficult amongst work, looking after my toddler, and attending obstetrics appointments as I’m in my third trimester of pregnancy. Over the last two years I’ve sacrificed many things to be more available, without hesitation. I dropped my hours at work, stopped catching up with friends regularly and stopped attending things I’d have normally done with/for my toddler like playgroups/swimming lessons/ frequent beach trips etc. I’ve been the family member talking with doctors, organising things for my parents, explaining everything to my family (I have a medical background) and basically been the rock for everyone to lean on. I fell pregnant after we were given some very false positive news and it’s turned out to be terrible timing now. I don’t regret these decisions but as my mum has deteriorated I have unintentionally become less patient/tolerant, more angry and developed this weird resentment towards her and the situation. I can tell my family is annoyed I’m no longer helping as much now or visiting frequently. I obviously feel a lot of guilt about these feelings and actions, I know it’s not ok, but I don’t know how to change this. I literally do not want to visit her or spend time with her, I don’t want to help her or my family anymore. I selfishly want to enjoy time with my husband and toddler before our next birth and I want to have my next baby without this weight hanging over us. The entire first two years of mothering my toddler has been while dealing with mums cancer and it’s completely dominated our life and resulted in us missing a lot of experiences we would have otherwise cherished with my little one. I know I should be spending as much time as possible now with my mum but how to I shift my mind set, surely I’m not alone here with these feelings? I assume it’s a coping mechanism of some form. I obviously feel sad my mum is dying, I’ve always been very close to her but I’m not in denial, it’s more I’ve accepted and grieved early and I’m just trying to get on with my life now. it’s very easy for someone to say to me ‘it’s not about you, this is the time you have to be selfless and just put your feelings aside’ which is all well and good but how????
I’ve spoken to a psychologist for a while but don’t feel their input is helpful to this particular situation.
Thanks for reading and replying if you do 🙂
