My mum has ovarian cancer - it's so hard not knowing what's around the corner

[Hopeandlove]

My mum is now into her 5th year of battling ovarian cancer. She is always open and honest with us but I feel she keeps some stuff away from us to protect us. She has been on and off chemo over the years and we were told that her cancer is terminal and that chemo is been used to manage the cancer not to cure it. I am finding it hard not knowing what is next? She is suffering a lot of symptoms now - appetite loss, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, sleeplessness and pain under her ribs. Her breathing is also becoming sharp. Her latest test results indicated dangerously high tumour markers. What's next ?? Is this it? Are we heading down the final path? It's so hard not knowing. I wish I could just google it and I would find the answers to my questions for example the screen will blink back at me.....ok your mum is going to start feeling this, that etc - this means she has such and such time left.......I know crazy but its the unknown that is so scary.....

[melbourneboybor]

Hi There, I saw you posted this yesterday and sorry that one of us here weren't able to reply on the same day. I understand sometimes we all come here to just to vent. To get it all out and just almost scream to the world "Why???" That sounds incredibly tough for you and your mom. She's been putting up a fight for 5 years and to me, well, I'm absolutely impressed and proud of your mum for putting in such a fight! 5 years! Don't forget how tough its been for her - but for full 5 years she's done her best to keep her cancer at bay. My father has prostate cancer and after a biopsy the other day, we're awaiting results to learn of its aggressiveness and perhaps, an idea of what this "aggressiveness" means in regards to the remainder of his life. But the thing is with cancer, time frames, "aggressiveness", terminal outcomes and so on... well, we're all different and really, how long anyone has on this earth is just guess work. Think of it this way. Does Tomorrow really exist? No, what really exists is right now - this minute. This moment. What you're expiriencing, as have I, is anticipatory grief. You're falling into a trap of worrying what about tomorrow, what about next week, what about this... about that. Please don't. It's utterly pointless. Yes, you're mom is suffering cancer and has a real battle. But to put a bit of humour into this - what if you step out of your house and a tree branch falls on your head and sends you on your way? What happen's if you yourself, fall asleep... but just don't wake up. I'm not here to scare you or give you more worry - I'm here to try and share with you that it's important not to try and worry. I can't tell you that you're Mum will be fine and the Cancer will go away. Our minds race and race trying to find a magical thought that will just make this all go away. But it won't. This is a very serious and life changing moment for you. But try and understand that life is a journey for all of us... and that you're not alone; that every single person on this planet, right now, will ALL go through this journey. If you can do anything, try and think outside the box about life and death. Think of it as a journey. Think of it as something we all experience. Think of it as not a bad thing. Sure, you will experience grief and a range of emotions. Some days will be harder than others... but this is life. This has happened for generations and generations for you to be here, right now, existing and reading this now. That for generations on and on - life will continue. I like to think how with my father... who was born in 1951, that he didnt exist in the early months of 1950? He didn't exist at all!!! Yet I don't mourn for this time... and when, whenever it may be that he goes... and whenever it may be that others go and I go myself... well, just like before, it's on to something we have no idea about.... and that, really, it's not a bad thing. Best of luck to you. Stay positive. Live for today, not tomorrow.

[Hopeandlove]

Thank you so much for your message. You are absolutely right - I am looking too far forward and anticipating what is going to happen which in turn is making me panic/worry for what is ahead when I just need to focus on today. She has done so well for 5 years - she has taken the chemo in her stride even though it has completely battered her at times and soldiered on. I guess this week I have just panicked a bit - results came back as they do every couple of months and this time things aren't so good. We know 'it's going to happen - it's terminal, the doc has confirmed that she can't be cured BUT I need to stop focusing on this. Thank you. Your message has bumped me off the road of panic and back onto the road of 'living for today'. So after reading your message - today I concentrated on mum's Christmas present! Thank you very much.

[melbourneboybor]

That's great... I'm really glad my words helped a bit. Let's not kid ourselves either... your Mum is going through a lot and so is my Dad. Yes, we don't know what's around the corner, Yes we don't know "how long"... but as I said, do any of us? What we have is right now. It's important to know this and remember it. Sure, you'll feel panicky, anxious, worried, alone. These are all very, very natural reactions to such a dire situation. But when these emotions come - again, just remember to focus on right now... not tomorrow or ten days! Have a great weekend. Pop in and see your Mum if you can and enjoy each day!