Need to know Im not alone

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Need to know Im not alone

Hi, I would like to get in touch with people in my position. Im 38 years old My husband has cancer in his thyroid, liver and lungs but its the one in his liver that is the big problem. I feel alone already, even though he is still here. I wonder what im going to do and how my daughter who is 7 will cope, and how to switch of my emotions so I can just get through each day. I feel guilty that its painful to even look at him. What should I be thinking? and doing?
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Need to know Im not alone

dear monique i felt i was losing my husband twice but at the end we were able to tell the true feelings i couldnt wait to be alone in the car or my garden or at the computer talkin to sharon 55 or totocol to scream and cry when we finally admitted how scared we both were and how lonely we felt it was better but my husband passed away 4 days after our real talk so dont wait even if your hubby dont want to listen tell him you love him and deal with the illness 1 day at the time take care Clo
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Need to know Im not alone

Hi Monique, Don't know if I can be of any help to you but I am the "patient" in the same scenario. I am 31 and have bowel cancer that has spread to my lungs. My husband and I have 3 children aged 7, 5 and 2. He and I had a great talk the other night as I was feeling very disheartened with our relationship and how he is behaving and how he is wth the kids etc. So he finally opened up and told me all his fears and worries etc which I had interpretted completely wrong, (or maybe he was miscommunicating). Anyway, we are now communicating better and I can help to ease some of his worries, not all of them of course, but some. Please email me...message me...anything, if you'd like to chat more. I hope I can give you some hope and strength. By the way, I was diagnosed almost 18 months ago and given 6 months, stay strong and positive, I truely believe this is what has got me through and will continue for a long time yet...if I have anything to do with it 🐵 Love Michele
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Need to know Im not alone

Hi Monique,We are here to listen so just feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. I believe there is not a right or wrong way to feel or something to do during these situations. In my personal experience, I tend to be very emotional but what I feel it is important is to remind our loved one how much we care for him/her. I am sending you all my best wishes.
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Need to know Im not alone

dear michele my love of my life was diagnosed on the 13 october he passed away on the 18 of november i cant get over it but i come on line time to time when the pain is too great meeting people like you who show so much bravery love and courage really amaze me i hope you can fight as long as possible take care Clo
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Need to know Im not alone

HI - I have only just joined this site today. I know exactly how you are feeling, and the only advice I can give you is to give everything you can to your husband every day, and also to look after yourself. I lost my husband on 24 January to secondary head and neck cancer at age 43. We also have young children (the eldest was 6 four days after my husband passed and the other is 4). We did everything that we could the first time round - very invasive surgery and radiation, and thought we had it beat! He had palliative chemo this time when there were no other options. We were given a 7 - 10 month diagnosis, but unfortunately he contracted pneumonia, so time was very limited, and we had only a few weeks. I can only tell you that the second diagnosis was a shock, but also a very "romantic" time. We made time to tell each other what we loved about each other, and talked about our hopes and dreams. We had just under 9 years together, and tried to make plans for the next 50 years to give us hope. We went to sleep holding hands every night, even in hospital. I also understand your frustration. My husband would often whinge that he wanted to teach his boys how to shave (and teach them other things as well). We have the technology (video camera etc), but he never got around to filming anything, or writing them any notes, or expressing his feelings in any other way. At the time I found it incredibly frustrating, and now am very disappointed. He spent the best of his last weeks in front of the television, watching cooking shows on foxtel, mostly because he could no longer eat. (and I can't blame him at all for that). He was very sensitive to noise because of the cancer, which was particularly difficult for our boys, and they now remember him as being cranky all the time, and still apologize to me if they make the slightest sound. He also wanted me to sit beside him on the lounge day and night watching mindless tv with him. I didn't do it, and can't decide if it was the right or wrong decision not to. There are many things to do in a day when you are a wife AND mother. I am now (6 weeks later) just hitting the bad times. Everyone has been commenting on "how well I look" or "how well I'm doing", but this is the hardest part of the day. The time when the kids are asleep and there is no other distraction. I am happy that we made the time to discuss our future. It made so many things so much easier. I planned my husbands funeral according to his preferences, and know where he wants to rest. i know how much he really loved me. I had some time to prepare my children. I had some time to prepare myself. Take the time to be with your husband. Don't feel guilty about being angry or annoyed or any other emotion. You need to do the best for YOURSELF, and your husband, and your family. People keep reminding me (unsolicited of course) that I am the only thing holding this family together. It is a huge responsibility, and one that I didn't really want, but you will find the strength in yourself that I have also found. Enough of my rambling. I wish you a peaceful heart and a happy spirit!~ Karent
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Need to know Im not alone

Just sending you peace & hope. It must be so hard... (I have a 7 year old daughter too...) Lissy
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Dear Michelle, clo and Karent I lost my husband(36yrs) to cancer 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 15 years and have 3 children-10, 8 and 7 years old. He was diagnosed last year, he was healthy, strong and very active. So we were extremely shocked when he was diagnosed with this devastating disease. I am no expert, but what I do know is that there is no wrong or right behaviour, feelings or thoughts. Everyone's experience differs greatly. My husband and I united in strong defence when he was diagnosed. We grew so close, we'd lay together in the hospital bed during chemo, we looked forward to the opportunity to spend 6 hours together talking, reading, listning to music,laughing etc. We were inseperable. However, he did not prepare anything for the children or I before he died. Not even the will! I had to urge him to organise that. He refused to come shopping with me to buy the kids some keepsake gifts. He didn't organise anything! And he was aware that I'd be facing eviction by his family once he had passed. But, I can't be angry. I know he absoloutely loved us. I think that he felt that prepartion meant giving up.And he was so determined to live. He loved life like no one I know. Our lives would've been less stressful if he'd taken action on a few issues, if he'd made some preparations...but he didn't and thats ok. This is how HE handled HIS disease and HIS mortality. I miss him so deeply I find it hard to breathe. I don't know who I am without him, but i do know it will get better. Keep strong friends: You're not alone.
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Dear Michelle, clo and Karent I lost my husband(36yrs) to cancer 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 15 years and have 3 children-10, 8 and 7 years old. He was diagnosed last year, he was healthy, strong and very active. So we were extremely shocked when he was diagnosed with this devastating disease. I am no expert, but what I do know is that there is no wrong or right behaviour, feelings or thoughts. Everyone's experience differs greatly. My husband and I united in strong defence when he was diagnosed. We grew so close, we'd lay together in the hospital bed during chemo, we looked forward to the opportunity to spend 6 hours together talking, reading, listning to music,laughing etc. We were inseperable. However, he did not prepare anything for the children or I before he died. Not even the will! I had to urge him to organise that. He refused to come shopping with me to buy the kids some keepsake gifts. He didn't organise anything! And he was aware that I'd be facing eviction by his family once he had passed. But, I can't be angry. I know he absoloutely loved us. I think that he felt that prepartion meant giving up.And he was so determined to live. He loved life like no one I know. Our lives would've been less stressful if he'd taken action on a few issues, if he'd made some preparations...but he didn't and thats ok. This is how HE handled HIS disease and HIS mortality. I miss him so deeply I find it hard to breathe. I don't know who I am without him, but i do know it will get better. Keep strong friends: You're not alone.
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hey sally, Sorry to hear about what you and your family have gone through. I lost my dad to a secondry cancer near the liver almost 2 years ago. It happened about 2 months before I was diagnosed with a rare form of testicular cancer and a year after my wife was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and we all handled it in different ways. My dad never told us just how sick he was. He'd only ever talk to me about the next round of potential treatment and how he was going to battle it. He didn't even acknolwedge it during our last conversation togather, which was about an hour before he slipped into a coma and passed away. His death came as a shock to everyone that knew him, but looking back it was obvious how sick he was. He didn't make any plans or sort anything out either, which made things hard for us afterwards. But I think it would have been harder for him to deal with things himself before he died. Like you said about your husband, preparing for death would have meant giving up and he didn't want to do that, or show his family that he was doing that - even in his final moments. When I found out I had cancer I thought I'd be open with everyone about my sickness, and sort out all the loose ends etc. I've been lucky with treatment though and I never really had to fact those things like your husband or my dad did. I don't know how I'd go if it came to crunch time to be honest and i don't ever want to find out. One thing I've learned is that you can never please everybody (and sometimes anybody) with the way you handle things when your sick, or when your partner is. I completely agree with you about how there is no right or wrong way about going about things. Steve
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