New to forums - Mother with cancer.

[Just_Me]

Hi all, My mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer last August (2010). We were told that bladder cancer is easily treatable. She had exploratory surgery at the start of October which showed the cancer was bigger than expected and they decided to remove her entire bladder. She had her bladder removed at the end of October. She was moved to a rehabilitation ward and was improving very well. Then suddenly she was extremely ill and readmitted to hospital the day before she was supposed to go home. They found she had an obstructed bowel which is common after this type of surgery. She had another operation at the start of December and soon after surgery they sent her straight home where she was suffering a lot and going down hill with no support from any professionals. She was readmitted to hospital in January with a blocked vascular in her leg. She has been receiving injections to correct that but while there the professional staff realised just how bad my mother was doing and ran tests. Yesterday they pulled in the family to tell us that her cancer has spread to her liver, lungs, lymph nodes and throughout her body. She is now terminal and expected to only live a few more months. Since the news she has gone rapidly down hill with depression as well as illness. It is devastating to see my mother like that. I know she feels so guilty for leaving me and my brother and for leaving her grand-daughter (my 2 year old daughter). She's also extremely sad that she will miss out on her grand-daughter, which is something she has already been struggling with. And I don't know what to do to help her. I feel so helpless. On top of that I am undergoing my own immense grief and shock. This has happened so quickly and she is only 65 years old. I already lost my father eleven years ago so this feels like a huge blow. I can't stop thinking if only she'd gone to the doctor earlier. Or if only they had run tests earlier. Maybe we wouldn't be here now. And I can't stop crying over the fact that she won't see her grand-daughter grow and develop. That she won't be there for me any more. She's a friend as well as my mother and she was a big part of my life and a big support. I don't know how I will go on without her. I don't know how to get on with life at the moment. I am working part time and have my 2 year old. And all I feel like doing is collapsing in a massive heap. I had to take today off work because I couldn't manage to go in. Thanks for listening. I need to talk to people who will understand what I am going through.

[Jules2]

Hi Just Me I am sorry to hear if your mothers diagnosis ... it is a tough thing for any family to come to terms with. My thoughts are with you and your mother at this time and I hope you can have some good times aswell as the sad ones. I hope you will tap into some help if you feel you need it. The cancer council has a help line and also i think you can organise counselling through your gp. thinking of you all Julie

[diannep52]

Hi Just Me My heart goes out to you and your mum. What a huge 'kick in the guts' you have both received. It is terrifying how quickly this bloody disease spreads. I know it is hard (I have lost both parents to cancer - dad 16 years ago and mum 2 years ago) both died at home as per their wishes. My dad had thymus cancer, which apparently according to the medico's is 'the best cancer you can get - easily treatable - once the thymus is removed everything will be OK' well.......that wasnt the case!!! The surgery (similar to open heart surgery where they crack the chest open, etc) showed that the cancer had spread to every organ in his body, heart, lungs, etc. They removed the thymus to slow down the progression of the cancer, stitched him up and said, 'sorry - too late - you've got 12 months at the most'. It seemed very callous to us at the time, but I now know they did their best, and even though dad was the world to us, to them he was just another person with cancer. If its any consolation, my little g/children (5 of them) still talk about my mum today as if she were still here. Even though they didnt know my dad, they talk about him as if they did. You wont forget your mum, and neither will your daughter, because the love you all have will stay in your hearts forever. You will cope when your mum has gone, it certainly wont be easy, I still cry to this day if I hear a song or a saying that mum and dad liked, but you will be amazed how your 'coping mechanism' kicks in. Dont be hard on yourself, if you want to 'fall apart' then go ahead - it is just your body saying 'enough is enough'. I was told by a breast care nurse to 'lock the door, get in the shower and just let all the tears fall' - its amazing how that releases some of the tension (for a minute anyway) and allows us to get on with day. It is OK to cry with your mum, as this will also allow her to get her fears and worries out. Dont try to hide your emotions from her, she is not a fool, she knows what you are going through. You are being a great support for your mum, but...do you have anyone supporting YOU??? Look after yourself and YOU must listen to YOUR body, as you have an extremely difficult journey ahead of you. Always here for you if you need to 'chat'. Di xox

[Nickk2017]

hi

It is a near certainty that I will expire before my children finish primary school. In October 2012 I was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer, aged 34. Two operations and 12 cycles of chemotherapy later, I was declared cancer-free. A blissful three-month interlude of normal life concluded just before last Christmas, when I was told that the cancer was back, had spread aggressively and was now incurable. I’ll be shuffling off this mortal coil long before my allotted threescore years and 10, and probably before my twin sons hit six or seven, which I think is impossibly young and they think is impossibly old.

Expressive Therapy For Depression