Overwhelmed and Struggling

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Overwhelmed and Struggling

My partner of 15 wonderful years was diagnosed by Stage 4 colorectal cancer 5 or so months ago. 
We had to pack our life up and move to be closer to for treatment and into the world of uncertainty that cancer is. 
I am caring for her and our 8 year old daughter. 
I have held onto a thin thread of hope through her 12 week combined chemo and radiation therapy but the cancer is in liver and Poss lung.

Whilst I have managed to get through the practicalities of most things I am so so so distressed, and overcome with sadness and grief. I cry all the time. My dreams are horrible.

I am forever trying to be stronger for my partner who has been amazing given her prognosis. I can’t seem to accept the thought of losing her. I have great fears in my ability to cope ongoing , to be able to care for my little girl when her mother can’t anymore.

I so much want to be present for whatever time she has left - I’m seeing a Councelor, doing some meditation and trying all things suggested. I even tried antidepressants but had a terribly adverse reaction and now fear trying anymore. 
I know there are so many others in much worse situations but I struggle to find any joy and hope in life.

 

Im only posting to get this out as it consumes my being and I sometimes feel selfish because it’s my partner with cancer who faces her mortality everyday.

I do feel for everyone out there in this situation and I can only hope we can find a way through.

 

Tom

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Re: Overwhelmed and Struggling

Oh Tom, my heart breaks for your family! It is the worst.

During my come down day, after the high from the steroids, I can get very negative! I'm writing my death letters to my girls and my partner in my head, bawling my eyes out. I've spoken with a psychologist and now have a few tricks to stop myself "falling down the hole". I've found it has gotten better.

At the time I was diagnosed the tragedy on White Island was unfolding, I kept thinking these people were on holiday - kids, multiple family members, terrible! I'm so thankful that I have time, maybe not as much as I thought, but still time. Both my daughter's are getting a shiny spot on their heads from all my kisses. And I tell all my friends and family that I love them every time I speak with them.

Even though my Oncologist has said there is no cure, just management, I haven't given up on a miracle. This might be it  https://www.sciencealert.com/new-t-cell-therapy-kills-most-human-cancer-types-and-might-work-across-...

I hope you have friends and family around you. If your wife ever wants to email and compare treatment or tactics for side effects let me know. Also she should contact Bowel Cancer Australia, they have been an amazing support. I've spoken with their nurse and nutritionist, they also matched me with a peer/buddy going through the same thing. Talking to him has been very helpful!

I'm sure you feel very alone, but you are not, you've got a beautiful family that loves you. Take pleasure in the time you have, make as many memories as you can. And keep your fingerscrossed for a miracle. 

Carly

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