Stressed

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Stressed

Hi, my name is Kate and i am new here. I joined because i am finding it very hard to cope right now looking after my 60 yr old mum who has oral cancer.The physical stuff is not that much of a problem. Its the mental part that i am not coping with right now. Does any other carer get screamed at, called very nasty names, accused of anything and everything such as not caring, being lazy, selfish etc? Latley my mum has become someone i don't recognize, she is so nasty its becoming unbearable. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. Its a more than once daily thing now. I don't know how much longer i can do this.
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Re: Stressed

hi katie wow poor you!! I have had an oral cancer and can tell you that the treatment is frightening and tough. However, in saying that it does not mean that you should be getting abused. Is it possible that your Mum could get some counselling at all? I know the cancer council has a help line aswell as this online forum. It really does sound like your mum isn't coping very well. Hoping that things will improve for you soon. Julie
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Re: Stressed

Hi Kate, what a terrible situation! This is definitely not what most carer's experience, which leads me to ask- Is your Mum on steroids as part of her treatment at all? These can sometimes effect people's moods and personalities (or some other drugs can too). You could have a chat with her GP and find out if any of her drugs could be effecting her moods and behaviour, then see if they can be changed/decreased/supplemented, for both your sakes. Otherwise I agree with Julie, that your Mum may need some help to learn to express herself more constructively. You definitely don't deserve this treatment, and if your Mum won't do anything about it then can I encourage you to look at getting some counselling support, as caring for someone is hard enough without being abused as well! Warm hugs from Emily
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Re: Stressed

Hi Kate, what a terrible situation! This is definitely not what most carer's experience, which leads me to ask- Is your Mum on steroids as part of her treatment at all? These can sometimes effect people's moods and personalities (or some other drugs can too). You could have a chat with her GP and find out if any of her drugs could be effecting her moods and behaviour, then see if they can be changed/decreased/supplemented, for both your sakes. Otherwise I agree with Julie, that your Mum may need some help to learn to express herself more constructively. You definitely don't deserve this treatment, and if your Mum won't do anything about it then can I encourage you to look at getting some counselling support, as caring for someone is hard enough without being abused as well! Warm hugs from Emily
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Re: Stressed

Mum won't talk to anybody, i have tried to get her to. Before she confined er self to her bedroom she was seeing a psychologist but she said she didn't like her. She has confined herself to room after having a scare on the stairs in november (townhouse). When i have tried to talk to her calmly about her behaviour she turns it into a 'your worse than me" thing. She is on no current treatments for her cancer. She did have radio therapy about 6 months ago. And now because she won't leave her bedroom there is nothing her doctors and specialists can do for her, as in the way of seeing if the radio therapy worked or not etc. We do have a home nurse come about once a month and she is great, but mum behaves herself when she is here. mum only lets 2 people see her nasty side who is me and my aunt, everybody else she is really good. When mum realizes that something hurt me or gets to me she will use that over and over again. Latley its been fat taunts. I am a big size woman and mum was bigger than me until she had treatment (she has lost over 50kg). I tried to explain to her that out of all anybody she should know how it feels but she just says that's she's doing to help me. Every single time we are in the same room she wants to argue and fight and get nasty. Its so draining. I know i am not the best carer in the world as i have my own health problems (mum picks at that to constantly not beleiveing it, in my house it's usually if mum can't feel it then it doesn't exist, she has been that way longer than having cancer though) but i am doing the best i can.
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Re: Stressed

Katie that's terrible! When you say you're caring for your Mum, what kind of tasks does that involve? Would it be safe for you to go away for a couple of days to get a break ?(and also hopefully let your Mum get some perspective and learn to appreciate what you're doing for her!) Can you also talk to your Aunt? If she's seeing your Mum's nasty side too, she would at least understand what you're going through. Could she also help you with the work of caring? Could you also talk to the home nurse, she may have seen this before and have some idea about what to do. You don't have to put up with this on your own. love Emily
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Re: Stressed

I can't go away for a few days. i wish i could. mum depends on me for everything. i also have 3 dogs to look after. I have to get mum all her meals and bring them to her because she wont come out of her room. I have to sponge bath her, when she rarly lets me because she refuses to go out of her room (her hygiene has hit rock bottom it's really bad and i can't get it through to her how important hygiene is and she is incontinent to). she is capable of going into the bathroom (id still have to help her shower in the bathroom) but she just won't even attempt to try to help herself. she has made herself virtually bedridden except when she moves off her bed to use the commode. We tried to and still try to get her to do what the doctors etc told her to do to keep her mobility up but she just refused to do it. I have thought about telling her when she is being nasty that i will not be helping her until she can be nicer but i can't do it. And it would be my luck that she would scream and shout until the neighbors called the police. I just can't seem to please her at all. I feel awful and bad about feeling the way i do about i don't like being in the same room as her anymore, i dread having to talk to her, I sometimes think that i don't want to be her carer anymore. I love her, she is my mum, she raised me as a single parent and i think she did a great job and i am grateful for that. that makes me feel even worse knowing what she sacrificed for me while she raised me.
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Re: Stressed

Hi Kate, I can see why you say you can't go away at the moment. Could your Aunt help you with caring for your Mum, maybe bringing her meals occasionally etc? Or at least be there with you sometimes? I think that would be really good. You don't and wouldn't owe your Mum an explaination why, or maybe you could just say she wanted to help. I really feel for you, and hope things get better. love Emily
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Re: Stressed

Thanx Emily
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