Was going to break up with my partner and then found out he has cancer

[Lowanna]

Hi all, This is my first post here. I didn't know where else to turn to talk about this and am glad I found this forum. I'm a single mum with two kids and have been dating a man for 8 months now. Whilst we do love each other, the relationship has always had challenges- he has moved from the country to the city.. Has been in and out of work ( through no fault of his own- he is a hard worker) never had any money. I've had to support him a lot even though he hates this. He is a good man at heart but feels a bit lost in the city. He treats my kids well and I know he loves me a lot. However we have 'broken' up for a few hours- many a time- but our hearts always make their way back to each other. A few months back he had to go to hospital for what we thought was a skin infection- weeks later the diagnosis was brucellosis (a bug that can be treated) ... He is in pain a lot can't really work and has also now started to call me names when we have 'disagreements'.. You pick a degrading name and he has called me it. He always apologises after and says he doesn't know why he is being like this.. And he loves me. The final straw was on the weekend when I'd had enough and after being called pathetic and a f-wit. I left and broke it off- he was heartbroken and so upset and then told me he has cancer . He said he had been so stressed with the tumour diagnosis and the lack of work that that's why he had been so short with me..I know I love him and have to support him in this, as he isn't close to his family. I feel if I don't that he will just disappear back to the country and won't look after himself. However I don't want to be in a relationship full of name calling and struggles and secrets Any advice or support would be wonderful as he does to want anyone to know about his cancer and I feel alone and stuck.

[little_stitcher]

Hi Lowanna, my heart breaks for you. What a hard position you are in. I can understand it a little bit- my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2011, and I was his main 'carer' throughout the diagnostic process and 6 months of chemotherapy. I put the word carer in quotation marks, because the chemo never made him really sick- he was able to maintain a normal diet and even work full time (he has a desk job and was able to work from home 2 days a week). My reason for writing this is to advise you to think really carefully about re-starting this relationship. My husband and I had a really good relationship for 7 years before he was diagnosed, and was still have a really good relationship now, but even so going through that process with him was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took everything I had just to get through. And, we don't have kids to think about. Would it be possible for you to support him just as a friend? That would be an amazing thing for you to do for him, and that boundary would give you some distance from his outbursts. It would also mean he could just concentrate on his treatment etc, without being your main support person. After his treatment you could maybe see how things are, and re-evaluate then. Good luck with everything. Sending warm hugs, Emily

[Lowanna]

Hi Emily, Thanks so much for your reply and sharing your experience. I've thought about supporting him as a friend but I think I'd miss him too much and am scared he will just cut me out... I think at this stage I have to have a good think about where to go from here and how I'll cope with the outbursts if we continue.. Again thanks Emily for your reply

[Maddi_CCNSW]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear your going through such a difficult time. It's not easy supporting someone who is has a cancer diagnosis. This is the link for the Cancer Council's information, for family and friends. I hope you find it useful. https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/cancer-information/for-family-and-friends/supporting-someone-with-c...

[Bozo]

Are you sure he has cancer? That was my first thought. My second thought was that if his behaviour has already been a problem, why would you feel you have to stay with him? I am sorry if he does have cancer - as I would be for anyone with it - but that doesn't change the fact that there were already many challenges in the relationship. Others may disagree, but I think you would be taking on more than you can - or should - cope with. From what you have written, it seems you are constantly justifying why you stay with him - making excuses for his behaviour eg. it's because he is out of work etc. It's kind of like marrying someone who has already shown that he is abusive. Why would you do that?