I get the withdrawing from the world bit a sibling (Q) was diagnosed with cancer and i only just found out from a family friend that Q was diagnosed with 3 years to live....no one in my family though this relevant information to tell me.
i communicate with Q but i know what Q ise like they were never going to tell me what was actually happening in blunt terms like that. if they tell me it makes it too real for them and they will freak.
it just sucks as its like they expect me to be in their heads and when i don't react appropriately to what is going on its my fault and i'm the baddie... it sucks that everyone worries about the mother and the younger sibling but if your older and go into shock for an extended period of time they think your being ruthless and pile there stuff onto you (like swearing at you at the hospital the first time you go get to see Q after their huge operation and your so worried about them and other families are telling you F this and F that and bagging out your appearance, your clothes, your speach, taking mobile phone calls, coming and going and making noise, when all you want them to do is shut the hell up and stop overwhelming Q and leave you the hell alone so you can make sure they are ok and to make sure to check if Q was ok with all the visitor and noise -- they weren't but were pretending they were ----i know Q admitted it later all the visitors were a huge stress, as soon as Q told me i stopped going to the hospital, not because i didn't want to curl up into the hospital bed with them but because i knew they Q would push themselve and maybe make themselves sick.).
i'm so exhausted from worrying about Q and talking to everyone i know about treatments and funneling all of my spare income, time, energy and thoughts into what other treatments are available that may be able to help and save them.
i know i shouldn't but i can't help myself and it sucks that no one thought that i deserved to know what was happening and what level of heart break was actually happening.
its too much to deal with.
i haven't spoken to my mother or father in weeks and the sibling that aren't sick i only see when i go visit Q.
they are just all so blase about it. Q is still doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing up, no one ever though to help out.. i helped but just for one meal, big whoop, they just pile it on Q.
so i've run away pretending i don't have parents or additional siblings. you can only deal with so much before you crack, i can deal with work, house-work, working out a quick wedding and communication with Q. thats it,
i can't take any additional drama, sad movies or ppl trying to tell me "but your mother would be feeling it and maybe acting in-appropriately, its her daughter" yeah well its my sibling too and i didn't go and yell and scream at ppl during this time of family crisis.
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i just needed somewhere to say, i was supposed to be planning my lovely family wedding and working out when to have a baby,,
instead my sibling has been diagnosed with cancer, they may die soon and i can't even think of the possibility that they will die so young or before me. i'd rather pretend its not happening.
its so sad i can't think about it or i start crying and can't stop. i'm not allowed to cry in my own house, even about a sad movie, or i cry for days, can't get out of bed, go to work or function.
screw working on getting a man to mars, lets work on stopping time for a minute so we can get some peace.
