Hi Garyowencat
What feels like a lifetime ago now my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months. It had always just been he and I as I'm an only child and my mum had passed away when I was only 18 months old.
6 months turned into 7 years in the end before he passed of secondary breast cancers, not the initial pancreatic diagnosis.
Caring for him as well as my own kids (single mum at the time) was one of the hardest experiences I think I will ever go through in my life. I've since survived an aggressive breast cancer diagnosis myself and I still look back on going through that with him as even more difficult than my own challenges.
It is simply brutal at times and there are really no words to explain it in its full entirety. A lot of what everyone will tell you will probably not fix things for you however I will say that it is okay to feel the way you will at times. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. It is scary and it is such a roller coaster of emotions and experiences that in all honesty, no one really understands until they've walked that path themselves. Try not to feel guilty, you have to look after yourself through it all as well, as hard as that is.
Being a few years on the otherside now, I can tell you that you will get through it but try as best you can to allow yourself to experience the feelings that result from the care you're giving.
My dad eventually deteriorated very very quickly when the cancer spread to the lining of his brain. It went from him experiencing vertigo and nausea to no longer being with us. It was the most surreal three weeks of my life and I honestly thought I was losing the plot. I have no idea how I got through it but I guess I did and finally his suffering was over. I even still feel guilt about the emotions I experienced when I was caring for him over the seven years and particularly in those last weeks, yet I try to keep it in perspective and remember that it was just plain hard.
I'm not sure this makes sense and I've rambled on a bit. Hang in there is such a blase phrase sometimes but its sometimes all we can do. xx