how to help my husband fight this cancer

[steamboat]

I need some help in fighting the depression that has taken my husband to his knees, just found out he has grade 4 stomach cancer and in his bones - not curable and not operable, although he has had spinal surgery to remove C7 and a cage put in place. We only found out over the last 4 weeks and he had no symptoms, he starts chemo tomorrow (19/11/2013)so a terrible shock. He needs some 'good stories' of survivors who were told it was not curable and they beat it. I try very hard all the time to keep his spirits up but find I am going downhill trying. Not eating is my worry - or very little interest in food. hope you can shine a light somewhere on this for me. Hel

[smartyaligatorp]

dear hel, my thoughts are with you and your dear husband. positive thoughts, care and kindness are so powerful and i so hope that good news comes your way. I know the not eating story...everything i read and was told was to offer regularly and often, all of which were rejected and refused with gusto - they can be so strong willed. Take care of yourself Hel and may you both find relief and positives through this journey.

[kasianne]

Hi Hel I am sorry to read that your husbands prognosis is not good and i understand you wanting to help him cope with how he is feeling but I have to say it is still only a few days since he was told the sad diagnosis and he needs to get his head around being told he may not survive this illness. You obviously love and care for him very much just like my husband did me but the realty is we take out our anger and frustrations on those closest to us in effect pushing you away. We know how much we are hurting,struggling to get through each day , each treatment and we watch how much the people caring for us do, to try and make the journey through treatment more bearable but we still have anger and regrets on how our own bodies have let us down. We have lost the choices on how we occupy our days with the regular trips to the hospital for treatments and we have also impacted our new regime onto others and feel we do not have choices in our lives anymore. When you a problem eating it becomes quite frustrating always being asked if you want something or being told you need to eat, we know deep down that we need to but it becomes such an unpleasant experience. I remember saying to my husband that if i ever get to eat properly again I wouldn't take it for granted but I can eat properly and guess what I take it for granted. I am always living with a time bomb as I have a very high chance of it returning within 5 yrs and I have been told that if it does my chances of survival will not be good and that is for a cancer that has a low survival rate anyway. He will fight this battle his own way and the only way he can and unfortunately despite all your caring it may not be the way you want him to. Just be there for him and then you know you gave him the best care you can. He still needs to be able to make some choices in his life and they may not be the ones you want him to but whatever the outcome you will know you were there for him. I think the job of being a carer to someone you love and watching them suffer is harder than being the patient and my thoughts are with you. hope I have not come across to you in a negative way but hopefully this has given you a little insight into his possible thoughts. Kas

[steamboat]

hi Kas many thanks for coming back to me. It all helps understanding how to get through each day and yes it is frustrating as a carer. I am an incredibly strong woman with the tenacity and ability to look on the brighter side of life, and have nursed my father and brother though cancer, so not new to this, but it was still a shock and a re-adjustment in life - but I have my feet under me now and I will get him through this somehow :) He will survive this and has not been told he will not, so that is our mantra. I think Cancer connection is a wonderful online program and to be able to share is truly a gift, as we all feel alone at times in this battle. I don't think negative and I make sure he does not as well. thank you again for kind thoughts, Hel

[RenyHill]

Hi Hel love and hugs to both of you on this awful journey, My husband was told 18 months ago about his Cancer and has had to deal with this in his own way in his time.Shutting out the people he loved so not to have them hurt, I know my husband world was knocked for six when he found out about his but stay strong and positive for each other.New discoveries are being found every day. I struggle with the word 'Carer' as I don't do anything different now well maybe worry a lot more but I married my husband for "richer for poorer in sickness and health till death do we part" So when he was diagnosed with his cancer and I am referred to as his carer I struggle with this,as i don't see me doing anything different now to before. I believe we just have to accept our lot and move forward on our new path in life. My dear old dad who lived to be 97Yrs young use to say "Any day above the ground is a good one" So love and prays to you and your husband on your journey. RenyHill

[steamboat]

hi Reny many thanks for you kindness and i agree with the 'carer' tag as i like you dont need that title, but i guess it is just some way to introduce the other half of the person with cancer. He is doing much better now after a few weeks after the big chemo day and is managing the 5 chemo pills daily without any problems. he is thin though and eating fine - that is a worry and i am not sure if it is cancer or chemo that is keeping him thin. We head back into for 2nd chemo treatment on 10th December, so i know he will have a rough time for at least 3-4 days afterwards, but at least now we know what to expect. I hope your husband is doing well now after that awful shock 18 months ago - it is the shock that takes you to your knees, then you have to rally around and get your back straight. Not easy but it sounds like you are strong and both of you keeping it in the right place in your lives. I keep saying to Kory -- we know where we are at now and we need to move forward to do normal things, and keep up all the treatments and just push it somewhere manageable in our life. I have wonderful friends and family who are all strong and positive - i have a couple of girlfriends who came across with the 'oh god he looks terrible or look how thin his arms are'' -- i short-changed that pretty quickly and let them know ''only good and positive vibes ' i did not need that whispering to me whilst kory was not far away and heard the comment --- people dont think. anyway thank you again and love and prayers to you and your husband and family . hel xx