Dealing with remarriage of wife after my death

[Tpatrickb]

I could use some support in dealing with the idea that my wife will likely remarry after my death of cancer. I am torn by myriad emotions.

[iloveyoudearly7]

Hello Tpatrickb,

I wish to welcome you to our forums and I am so sorry about your current situation but I know this may sound rather corny but it is especially true. Your wife will never ever loss your loving memories of you and will forever cherish plus love you deeply. No person could ever take your place in her heart or life. She can only make more room and share her everyday thoughts of you to share with another. 

They will hear consist about the trips you made and how you loved or shared hobbies. Plus your family will have someone to help support them through their everyday lives. She will be continued to be loved and helped through her trials in Life. You never go away, you never lose your place. You are forever.

[Budgie]

Hi Tpatrickb,

iloveyoudearly7 is right. There will always be a place in your wife's heart for you. No one will replace you. When I die, I want my husband to eventually either remarry or at least have someone to share the rest of his life with. He might live another 40 years or so, & that's a very l long time to be on your own. So, while it's a bit difficult to come to terms with, yes I want my husband to remarry. He deserves to be happy. But just because he might fall in love with someone else, that doesn't mean he loves me any less.
Best wishes to you.

Budgie

[sch]

I agree whole heartedly with the others. It's something that I've thought about quite a bit in the past.

I wouldn't want my wife to be alone and risk the chance of her being sad or bitter. I would want to her to live her life and be happy and remember the good times we had, and treasure them.  To find someone who makes her happy again, who can help her bring up our family. But I know that she will have fond memories of us and on my passing if she finds a new partner, they will go on to create their own memories.  The fact that she can find some happiness again will help her to remember the happiness that we had together, and that makes me feel better.

And in turn, if she passes away before me, I will do the same. Although, if truth be told, I don't think I have it in my heart to find another partner.

-s

[CaptainAustrali]

Hey Mate

It's a tricky one - clearly you love your wife, and the idea of sharing her with anybody is an affront.  I get that.  I can't really give practical advice about coping, but I do have some thoughts about it in a philosophical and ethical sense.

1) Cancer, and facing death - it's all about letting go.  I think before the end it's important to learn as many lessons as possible, finish as many stories, pass on as much as you can that people are willing to hear.  I think that possessiveness in a relationship speaks to both passion and fear - we're afraid of betrayal, afraid of losing someone, afraid of being alone - I think that's something to let go of.  At the end of the day, I think it's worth going into whatever follows as unburdened as possible.

2) You want her to be happy.  Consider the grief inflicted by your loss.  You love her, so no doubt she loves you.  She'll spend at least a year alone, untethered, ravaged by grief.  The troubles of this world no longer sit on your shoulders, but she still has to carry them .. alone.  You need to cast your mind into her future, and weigh that up.  Would you rather see her alone, bereft and miserable, or having a companion, someone to make her happy, even though it can no longer be you ?

3) Your ambivalence breeds her guilt.  As you cast this around in your mind, maybe react awkwardly if it ever comes up in discussion, as you wince and frown or cry and rage - whatever reaction you show to her, it will inflict current and future guilt.  You need to weigh that into your approach.  Maybe if you can fast-track your processing of this, you'll reach the conclusion that I do - it's ethical, kind and righteous to bless her and do your utmost to make her feel your support about whatever she wants to do.  She may decide *NOT* to remarry, but ultimately if you take any posture *OTHER* than "it's your life, I bless you and want you to be happy,  please, after I'm gone, do everything you can to be happy" .. well, if you put forward any energy that isn't that .. I think it's going to inflict future pain on her.

4) Being in a relationship is actually a testimony to you.  She's happier with a partner, she is more comfortable with a ying to her yang - that means you've done a pretty bloody good job in setting that expectation for her, in satisfying her needs.  Her next partner isn't your competitor, or even your replacement, it's someone trying to help nourish the need that she has in her heart, which has been fostered by you.  "My husband was great, a wonderful man, I loved having him in my life" .. I imagine it's that line of thinking that is what motivates her toward looking to a new relationship.  Maybe that's worth taking as a positive.

Look, I'm not trying to trick you into thinking or feeling in a way that you don't - I'd just personally follow the above sort of thinking - for me, I'd want my wife to be happy, I wouldn't necessarily want her to "move on", but I definitely wouldn't want her drag me to a taxidermist and keep me in her life in a creepy lingering way that is ultimately unhealthy.

The short of it:  you're gone, mate, bless her and let her be happy.  Even if it's a noble sacrifice and outside what you feel and want, it's what's best for her.  If you bless her now, even if it's contrary to your feelings, she'll have less guilt and stress and loneliness later, and for that, I would stand tall and salute you.  I think Sacrifice is a great human virtue, and by prioritising her future over your current feelings, you go into whatever comes next with a big shining piece of karma to pin to your jacket, you know ?

I'm sorry you're sick.  You're not dead yet, I hope you make the most of whatever time remains to you, and I hope it's 100 years.

Best of luck,

Captain Australia

(Simon!)

[Tpatrickb]

Simon,

I liked your words the best. 

I asked for a way to cope with my grief as it relates to shortened life and particularly the odd realization that my wife would be involved in a romantic relationship with another.

Background; I believe we will be married to our spouse after our mortal death. This belief makes it all the more difficult. Also, like most spouses I’ve been faithful and gone through hell, at many times, to create a life of peace and comfort for my wife. I will leave her, at my death, very comfortable financially and with extraordinary family support with our five successful and happy adult children and numerous grandchildren.

It’s as though we are lending your

most precious love to another.  I intellectually know and understand the arguments for remarriage, I just need to find a way to cope with this internally. I don’t have a way to emotionally deal with this right now. I hope to find a way to ease my own stress, hurt and grief without leaving her crippled emotionally.

[CaptainAustrali]

Hey Mate

Framing things in your belief that love goes on after death casts a different light on things .. but honestly I think the philosophical and ethical construct still holds water and I really hope it helps, even a little bit, to process what is a massively difficult thing.

It's easy to do the right thing in times of peace and plenty - but when you face strife, suffering, war, death - to make a noble gesture is, in my opinion, quite beautiful.  Even if it's futile, even if everybody loses, I personally believe it doesn't undermine the fine spiritual meaning woven into a high-minded choice.

You have the opportunity to do that - but yeah I get it, the idea that you're connected beyond death is something that adds a profound new layer to it.

However:  my personal view is that beliefs are like rectums -> we all have one, and it's seldom productive to compare them, AND nobody can be completely sure that theirs is the 'BEST' one.  (heh, ewww ?)

So as much as your heart tells you there's something after - you may be right ("I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for").  Shit, what happened there.  Billy Joel just jumped into my stream of consciousness.  Sorry mate 🙂  ... you may be right .. but you could also be wrong.

I still think it's useful to cast your mind forward into what happens to her after you're gone.  And base your decision making, thinking, words and actions, on that future consequence -- because I think it's a heavy and quite serious problem you're dealing with, mate, and I sympathise.

For me, one way to really sharpen the ethical construct is to remove death from the picture and consider total physical disablement.  So in essence you ARE gone, and you ARE still there.  No doubt.   You can communicate slightly, and with great difficulty.  You are confined to a hospital room.  She visits you daily, pulling you back from the white cloud you otherwise live in.

Would you want her to have that extra layer of happiness and companionship in your life ?

Not being superficial about it, or trying to preach or pre-suppose your answer, it's a genuine question, and I get that the answer may very well be NO!  For me, I think it's YES.  It would hurt, and I'd probably hate it quite a little bit .. but I love her.  I want her to be happy.  I don't want her loyalty to me to cost her any guilt, pain, grief.

After all, romantic love ... that's fine.  Expressing it sexually - that's just sex, right ?  I mean, in theory a person can carry platonic love for any number of people.  You'd have no motivation to confine that, right ?  You're happy if she loves the lady down the street, or her best friend Jerry who is a weird grown man who collects comic books.  As long as they don't kiss and rub bits, right ?  

So that's another useful approach.  Do you want to place limitations on her ability to emotionally connect with people in future ? 

And if not .. cool.  Sex .. I mean that's a trivial thing, right ?  In a lot of ways.  My thinking anyway.  No need to muddy and corrupt a white, light, righteous and beautiful love by getting too caught up in the rumpy-pumpy stuff.  When you're together and all is well ... loyalty and monogamy.  When you're unable to share that physical bond .. is it really the end of the world if she finds another outlet ?

Just my extra thoughts mate, sorry if any of it is offensive .. for me when I have these kind of ethical situations, it's really useful to get a different point of view, even if I don't adapt my own, it allows me to kind of re-align my compass a little bit.

Good luck mate,  be happy for as long as you can.

S

[TonySkala]

So this is going to be difficult to read.... But think about it from her perspective. 

Is she to be sad the remainder of her life because you are gone. Why would you want your wife to be unhappy?

I watched my father go. It was terrible. I am positive if there was something on the other side he would come back and at least tell me where the baseball card is. He would have come back and let me know. I swear it. I am positive there is nothing on the other side. So dont worry about it, it is not like you will likely even know about it. 

But this is what you should do

1. If you really love the gal.... Set her up right. Get some life insurance, something to pay the house off, vacation, or something like that. Make your peace with it, and forget about it. Give her your blessing so the poor gal is not tormented if it ever does happen. 

2. Enjoy yourself. My pop scrapped and saved. died with callous on his hands never enjoying his life. Do something for yourself. If it really is the end for you do something you would have never done for yourself. Help some random person out. Take a trip, Ring up some credit card debit that is unsecured. Go to Egypt and see the Pyramids. Rent a Ferrari and get a couple of speeding tickets tearing around Vegas. DO SOMETHING YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE. 

3. If I am wrong and there is something after this thing, and you manage to get there before I do. Tell my dad I want the baseball card. I have looked everywhere and we can not find it. His name was Mario Skala. And tell him to get in touch with me. 

4. If I am wrong and there is something after this thing. Find me when I get there. My name is Tony. The first 100 years of drinks between you and I are on me. I really hope there is something . I want to be wrong. 

Do something for yourself man. This thinking about things you cant control will make your health worse. GO DO SOMETHING AWESOME and write back on this post. Live it to the max and dont hit the brakes. And set the gal up. I am sure she loves you a great deal. 

Hey if you get there before me, and there is really something after this thing. Go ahead and start a tab. I will cover it when I meet you. But only well stuff untill I get there. Then we will hit the top shelf together, Actually You me and my pop. You will like him. He was a decent guy. 

[ocean]

Hi Tpatrickb, are you still there?

Your memory stays here, along with you brain and body.

Once you have crossed the border the memories eventually will be gone but they make it difficult to cross the border in the first place.

You better get prepared for what lies ahead for you instead.

[suz123]

I read your post with great interest and I am facing the end of life myself and I know your mind goes in every different direction as you try to sort out everything before you go.  There is one thing and I know it is in your heart because you love her dearly. Just wish her every happiness in life once you have gone. Full stop. You don't have to name it. She will have no desire to find a man right now nor for some time after, if ever. She loves you dearly and it will take some amazing man to ever try to take your place. There is no one else that CAN take your place as you are a unique and loving man so please rest easy.  If, in the many years to come she finds a person that lessens the pain of losing you, you have no idea what form that will take. It might just be friendship. So just wish her happiness, pure and simple.

I am in a position where my partner left me a couple of months after surgery and I was still in hospital. I still wish him all the happiness in the world.  However I am far from alone and I am at peace with my final journey. I have a deep and enduring faith that helps me no end. If this subject is too difficult for you then place it in the hands of your god as you do have faith too. When I discover something too difficult for me to deal with that is what I do. It really helps.

I wish you all the peace in the world and I know you wish that for your darling wife so don't think about her having another man, love her as much as you can so you stay in her heart forever. There is no man that can or ever will take your place. Enjoy every moment you have with her as these are very special times for you both. Take this journey hand in hand.

Kind regards, Suz.