Sorry the first post was very long so i wanted to divide it. Im really sorry for those (if anyone) who has to read all this. I try to make it short but its really hard.
So here goes..
After my mother had passed away i was shocked, confused, in denial. Everything you can imagine, name it and im feeling it.
I was grateful in a sense that we were all right by her side but i was still in shock i still am... i don’t even visit her grave because honestly it does not feel like shes there. I know its weird.
Today is october 10th 2018 that im writing this. 15 more days till the date of her passing. It will be one year already and it just feels like yesterday.
I haven’t been great ever since. A lot has happened. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I wouldn’t say it feels worse then when my dad passed away but the feeling of not having both my parents when i barely started my life (im currently 23, mom passed when i was 22) doesn’t feel so great. After my dad my mom was the glue that kept me together. After my mom, who was not only my mom but my best friend too, was gone. My brothers are great but im sure whoever u are reading, especially if you’re a girl, you would know what bond im talking about.
Sure we fought a lot and had arguments which you have no idea how horrible i feel about all of them now. But i loved my mom more than anything in the world, my dad too but my relationship with my mom was different. I had literally lost half of me. Lost my best friend. My mother. My everything.
What is the point to life after? Several times i thought of suicide, never really acted on it. I hate myself so much for not wanting to take pictures or selfies or whatever it is. I hate myself so much for not taking videos of her talking so i could properly hear her voice again. I hate myself so much for so many things.
I understand that this is all gods plan but the pain that i went througn and still am going through, the pain of loosing both my parents in just 4 years gap, the pain of feeling somewhat all alone in this world, the pain of having to live life without them, the pain of them not being able to see me get married, promoted, have kids. All that pain i just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t even want to get married or have kids. Im sooo afraid of loosing someone i love again. My heart is barely even a heart anymore how can i even go through something like this more than i already did how? Please tell me how?
Im so afraid i just want to die before anyone else around me does. I just feel so down, the whole world full of bright colors just turned grey to my eyes.
Nothing matters anymore. And i can’t even runaway from life. I have to live everyday like its somehow an emotional torture.
My job.. being in a hospital, hearing the monitors, the code announcements, seeing death... all of it is torture. Loosing both my parents in hospitals made my job horrible. Little did i know that my life would end up this way. Little did i know.
Sorry if im not making sense but thanks for listening to whoever will ever read this.
I can understand what you mean about your job just making things difficult- I'm a Nurse by training, and this has made dealing with my husband's cancer easier and harder. There are plenty of jobs that require Nursing degrees (or benefit from this training)- would you consider changing roles? You can still make a real difference to people's lives as a Nurse outside of a hospital, and it woud probably be so much easier for you. It might be worth investigating, anyway. I wish you all the best. Emily
Hi emily, thank you for replying!
I work in NICU which sometimes brings me happiness because of how much i love babies. But then also makes me feel miserable because my parents would never see me have them. But yeah you’re right there could be other opportunities but its not easy to just leave so thats my problem 😕
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