Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

[Michael53]

Hi Bob

Are you okay 

Its been a few days since you last spoke and i do hope your  finding ways to work your way through this time of grief, reach out if you need to just talk .

michael

[Jamie62]

Another Thursday rolls around. This morning I was driving to work in the morning and was transported back 5 weeks to the day. Heading towards the hospital the day came back. As I get closer to 12:00pm the sequence of events came back. What time did Josie have that meeting with Anna and Benny? At what time did I have that coffee with the chaplin and fellow traveller in palliative care. Around 11:00am I must have known that it was coming because that is when I rang mum. It is now 11:54. At this time we were all in her room trying to make sense of the absurdity of her imminent death. That word was used by her oncologist a couple of weeks before when he said to us “it is not imminent”. How much does that conversation hurt right now? Incredibly painful to recall those days. So now we move into the end of week 5. Is it changing? Maybe slightly .. I found myself last night enjoying our family dinner. I found myself waking this morning and feeling like today was going to be ok. The coffee with friends this morning was positive. It is the lead up to 12:12pm  which has been a constant over the last 2-3 hours. Will Thursdays ever be the same again? Edward had his first PT sessions and first tutor session this week. They both seemed to go well. He is being forced to grow up very quickly and so far, he seems to be adapting to the change. I’m still waiting for the crash. Maybe it doesn’t come or maybe it comes a long way down the track. 

[Michael53]

Hi Jamie

I still replay events in my mind and ask why but i have to stop myself from entering into the mind games of what if i did this or that as hard as it is i have to tell myself there was nothing i could have done to change it, its still upsetting but thats how i deal with it,just as you replaying back is how you are dealing with it.

As time has gone on for me it does get slightly easier to get through the day however having said that its always in my mind, just as Josie is always with you, but one things for sure its ok to start enjoying little things again without feeling guilty in some way, i keep reinforcing this each time i feel myself going down that dark road. 
remember Jamie you are allowed to have  these thoughts and will have these memories as its your way that you are dealing with your loss.

michael

[Bob63]

Hi Guys, it’s been a long week for me. I had always sent Eileen a text when I took lunch and if she was up she would call me, which was most of the time. So the first two weeks back at work I was really busy, now things have settled down, so during lunch I notice I don’t have Eileen to talk to anymore about my day. So instead I relive her last day thinking what could have been done differently, which is good for bring up the tears. Friday I went for a walk during lunch, I used to do that every day but stopped last year sometime, don’t remember why. I still ran over everything in my head but it did not seem as bad. Today I am headed out to order a new fuel pump for my bike, last one went bad, I think it was the bad gas in the tank.

I am glad you’ve gotten to ride your Spyder Michael, Eileen too would want me to ride my bike again, she knew how much I enjoyed it. When we were dating I rode a motorcycle most of the time. One day she asked me to teach her to ride it, at that time I had a 1979 Kawasaki 1000 she knew how to ride small trail bikes but never ridden anything that big. A few days later she drove my bike from my house to hers only about 15 miles, but in the LA area that’s treacherous. She never did it again but I thought it was really cool.

Jamie, I am grateful I don’t relive the events, for me it would be Tuesday, instead when the 7th of July came I was ok until I realized what the date was. Eileen passed June 7th at 4 AM, she was hooked up to a heart monitor and when it went to zero I was so shocked I did not know what to do. It makes me cry just thinking about it now.

I think I am spending most of my time trying to stay so busy that I don’t think about her dying, then I feel guilty because it seems like I am trying to forget. We were actually married for 37 years and 7 months, and dated about 2 years before getting married. She is younger than me and always told me I was going to go first because I was older and a man. I figured even if she was wrong, her family lived into their 90’s I would be so old I wouldn’t last long anyway.

Take care guys.

Bob

[EmmaStone]

Oh my gosh I felt that and so sorry to see it...I want to express words of support but I feel this pain... We all are with you💓

[Jamie62]

Work has felt more normal during the last 2 days. Starting the day with a ride gives a sense of reality and is a good thing to do. Yesterday I found myself crying as I rode my bike. Not a bad thing. The day was as good as I have had, however, once back at home things started to fall back to sadness. Eddie and I argued about some minor things, he was feeling unwell and disclosed that since our counselling session, he has had some moments of reflection and I assume, some sadness. I am really worried about going to Adelaide this Friday as plans for Edward staying overnight have slipped through. He wants to stay home by himself and I am ok with that provided I know that he has someone else here with him. I didn't go to the Church meeting last night, not sure that it is going to be for me, in fact, going to church has made me feel sadder.
I am looking forward to joining the grief support group next month. There has been small, but discernible change to the way that I am feeling. Sleeping is still a massive issue as I am finding myself waking before 12:00am and then really struggle to get back to sleep. Probably need some more help from Dr Steve.
Probably also important to reach out to people, the phone calls have stalled and it seems like it is going to be up to me to make the contact. This is understandable because people are moving on. Yesterday I found myself talking to Josie. I would like to be able to do that without the tears. Interesting email from Jan about how my writing has bought back memories for her. Projecting my grief onto her has not been a good thing and I respect and understand this. Today was the first day that I didn’t cry at work.Edward (14) was really angry at me last night. It is the first time since Josie’s death that he has expressed such deep anger. I think I handled it well. In the end he broke down into heavy tears, he has been fighting them for some time. I hugged him and gave as much comfort as I could, Josie would have been pleased, I think.

[Bob63]

Oh my gosh anger, I am not a person who gets angry. I normally just deal with whatever and work towards solving the problem. Last week after talking to my brother, I became so angry that I could not stand it. It seems the prostate cancer that I knew he had, had spread into his bones. I really didn’t understand why I was so angry though he still has a good chance getting through it. Again today on my way home from work I got angry again, but this time there was not a situation to blame it on, other than I guess difficulty dealing with the loss of Eileen. Fortunately when I got home I found my cat chasing a wasp in the kitchen, must have come in the doggie door. I grabbed my cat and put him in another room, after about 20 minutes I got the wasp out. And that took care of the anger today. So I guess I still have a lot to work through.

Sleeping is still a problem, and I am still sleeping in a recliner. I gave up on the TV and started playing the old Ghostbusters movies over and over, I think I can recite most of the scrip now. I used to draw years ago and started drawing a little again, just roses. I would draw Eileen pictures for her birthday and anniversary or sometimes just because. I remember one year I was working 12 hour days a lot and had not had a chance to get Eileen something for her birthday. I got home after working second shift and she was asleep so I stayed up most of the night drawing her a picture. She was happier with that drawing than anything I could have bought her. So I’ve started drawing things for her again even though she will never see them.

[Michael53]

Hi Bob, good to hear from you again, i can fully understand the feelings of anger as i to would have feelings like that but talking to family about the whole situation did make me move on from anger to more grieving the loss and the loneliness. Its now  ten weeks from the day and even though i talk to her throughout the day and share with her the morning sunrises and sunsets i do seem to be  adjusting and accepting or coping with the loneliness better as i am allowing myself to do things without her without feeling guilty.

The animals are a great distraction, i make time to go out and throw the ball for the dog when i get home from work as she absolutely loves the chase and the cat, an inside Rag-dole well she just grumpy all the time so no different but she likes the  mouse on the string for a while to so thats a routine i have daily.

It sounds like the drawing Bob is going to be good for you as you can express how you feel in your drawings  and will hopefully provide you with an outlet to grieve, as i sit on my couch in the lounge room i can look across and see a picture of Tracy looking back at me, she is with me but in spirit, as each day goes bye its easier to  accept that.

Eileen will be with you always in your drawings, and if that comforts you doing so well you just keep drawing Bob.

lately i have felt as though i need to step back from work and take some time out but i just keep piling the work on, i had to travel today for three hours and was starting to get emotional at times so i guess its my mind telling me that its time, maybe i should listen to myself and actually do it. 

[Michael53]

Hi Jamie
yes i often still find myself turning the waterworks on but we are allowed to as we have to release the grief and i to still include Tracy in chats i have through out the day with her, i still share with her the sunrises and sunsets that i see or little things throughout the day just as you are with Josie tears or no tears its normal we are allowed to.

My two boys are 22 and 24 and seem to be coping but have always made sure to keep in touch, go out to tea each week or have them over  just so that we can all talk about things when needed, Tracy was always one to say we will need to stick together to get through this time and boy she was right. I always remind my boys that its alright to show emotions ,not to bottle it up, it is cool to let it out. By sounds of it Jamie Edward is finding his way to release his grief too, we all have to, even though my boys are 22 and 24 they still get a hug from me and an Are You Ok.

 I keep in touch with family quite often and travel across to South Australia as much as i can just to have a break from it all and more than ever i am spending more time with my boys going on our motorbikes.

Whats helped me through this is to keep moving forward through my dark times , talking on this forum and family and spending time with my boys, it has not been easy but i know Tracy would be happy looking down at us.

[LindaG]

Hi Jamie, my heart goes out to your son Edward. I can’t imagine how it is for him to loose his mum when he’s only 14.   It’s good he could share his emotions with you. It would be worse if he pretended he was ok. Someone suggested to me to write a letter to my mum when I was suffering from so much guilt about what I could have done differently in her last 2 weeks. I actually found that helped me and I couldn’t believe how much I wrote to her about how sorry I was. Just a thought that might help. I’m sure the grief support group will be of some help to you you Jamie. One day at a time….. 🙏💕. Linda