Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

[Jamie62]

Thursday at work began well and I even commented to a colleague how there has been a positive change in the way I have felt. Then something very strange happened as I went into class. To begin with there were some sections of the lesson that didn’t go as well as I had planned. The laptop lost its charge and I found myself bumbling through some relatively straightforward content. At some point I said to the class that I am sorry about my state of mind and then walked to a corner of the room and began to weep.Eliah came over to me and offered support as did Max, Jordan and Liam. I will always be grateful for this small act of compassion and understanding from this group of 16-17 year old young men. These boys are often in minor trouble with teachers and I was incredibly grateful to them for their collective support. Someone in the class must have altered Marina because she appeared in the classroom and covered for me as I went for a solitary walk. It is not a coincidence that this occurred on a Thursday at about 12:30pm. I was, however, taken aback by the wave of emotion that engulfed me and felt powerless to control it. I will need to think of some strategies to combat this in future classes. Maybe on Thursdays I will need to take a more passive approach to the teaching process so that I can have a less public profile. Students can, at times, be difficult, but they can also surprise you in the most positive way. A phone call from Brendan (my principal) later in the evening to check in on me further reinforced how grateful I am to work in such a supportive environment.

Today (Friday) I am travelling to Adelaide to spend time celebrating a very close friend’s 60th birthday. I am going to try to be as positive and happy as possible. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and sharing stories with them.

[Michael53]

Hi Jamie

Do try to enjoy your time with friends this weekend.

i still have my triggers during work when i think about Tracy and the things we have done or gone or if a song comes on the radio it sets me going, just like you today, but thats ok, and it must have been comforting for you to know that there are students who do feel your pain.
Enjoy your different environment away from all the triggers at home, i found it easier to remove myself from the home environment and go somewhere clear of the triggers, it enabled me to think about other things without being reminded, it enabled me to start talking about how i was going and what i was thinking to those that i could talk to, it didnt stop me having moments of grief but it really helped me to deal with the hole process .

michael

[Bob63]

Hi Jamie, I can’t imagine trying to teach a class room of people of any age right now. It sounds like the students and your co-workers are very understanding and willing to help, directly related to whom you are. Visiting with friends sounds like it will be good thing. I understand the overwhelming emotions that seem to come up at any given moment. Just today I was taking my cat to the vet, and just started getting so sad, and then tears started coming. I think it just shows how much our wives meant to us.

Bob

[Ammanda52]

Hi Bob, Jamie and Michael, thank you for sharing your feelings here and I understand your pain. It’s hard to find people who get it …. Unfortunately this cruel disease makes me apart of the group. This is the first group I have reached out too , and reading your posts tonight made me feel like I know you all, so thanks for that.  It’s been 16 months now that my wonderful husband of 25 years left this world. I lived in the moment and never thought about  myself or what my life would look like without him in it. I look at things differently now. Going back to work and structure helped, and I get the loneliness - it’s a couples world and everyone in my world is still a couple. So I  pulled away from a lot so I’m not the odd one out. I’m just not ready , to socialise or up for small talk. I’m still struggle to sleep, and like you all so many wonderful memories bring so many triggers.  I  started a gratitude diary - every day I write down 3 things I’m grateful for - sounds easy - yeah it’s not. Give it a go ……. Thank goodness for our pets they give purpose and meaning to the day. Thanks Ammanda. 

[Jamie62]

Hi Linda

Thanks for your contribution. I went out for dinner with 3 other couples on Saturday night. It felt odd. I also couldn't work out why no-one asked me how I was going. Maybe they would like to avoid triggering me but it felt like they didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I had lost the most significant part of my life. Has that happened to anyone else? I know that this is not a deliberate action to annoy me but when I got home I was really annoyed that the evening went on as if nothing had happened.

[Ammanda52]

Hi Jamie, 

I guess people are trying to be kind by avoiding or upsetting us, yet this does the opposite - we want to talk about our partners. I know I was out at dinner I was listening to conversations but honestly can not tell you what anyone said - I felt myself looking around and then realised I was there alone my husband was not at the bar or bath room. Then I drive home alone and cry most of the way. 

[Michael53]

Hi Jamie

i can understand your reaction about saturday night, unfortunately it seems that when you go through or touched by cancer you find out who your true friends are, it seems as though people are uncomfortable with asking  for fear they will upset, this happens to me also.

i am feeling the last three weeks that i need to slow down at work, step back and have a break as its starting to get on top of me emotionally.

[Ammanda52]

Hi Michael, 

there is a lot to unpack - I took 2 months off work then eased back into it. I honestly think I was on auto pilot the first few months - almost zombi like - then Sydney Covid lock down hit I was great full I didn’t have to deal with anyone for 16 weeks ….. The time off looking back now helped me get use to being at home alone. Learning many new skills how to clean the pool, do the lawns the house maintenance outside as well as inside.