This is so sensitive and it is eating away at me and I need your help.
My Father passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow (Monday), his service was held only 1 week ago tomorrow (Monday).
When my Dad was diagnosed I asked him what he wanted done with his ashes and he told me to do whatever I wanted to he didn't care, didn't have a preference.
My Father was a very private man and I didn't know alot of what he did outside of his relationship with me.
Some "friends" he had had for the past 16 years (so they say) came in to the picture and acted as though they had his best interests at heart, it seems to have turned out that there are some ulterior motives to this (but I prefer not to go into detail).
When his friend showed me a photo of the farm my father would go holidaying to, I fell inlove with the scenery and I asked my Dad if he would like some of his ashes to go there, he agreed but it wasn't with any enthusiasum (like I said he didn't really care).
As time passed I found that Dad was not happy with these so called friends and felt they were using him to source materials and to build the farm house. I contacted people who confirmed this was the case so I pondered my decision quietly.
On the day of Dad's service they very insensitively bailed me up and told me "they had heard rumours about my decision and basically demanded they be given a part of my Dad. (who does that on the day of the service) they also had the adacity to ask me when they would be ready. For God's sakes I had only just left my Dad's service :(
Yesterday (Saturday) I received a phone call from them starting off with the pleasentries how am I etc. then was hit with "we are holding a memorial for your Dad on the farm on 3rd Nov, so could we have the ashes. I was gobsmacked I explained that I didn't even have him with me yet and it could take weeks they can't seem to comprehend why it takes a little while. Talk about insensitive.
I then made the decision after talking with my family and friends that I would call and tell them I wasn't parting with the ashes and my beautiful Aunty told me she heard one them on the day of the service huffing and puffing and saying "I bette get what I was f!@#ing promised!!"
I rang I was very calm and said that I had heard they were having problems and told them that someone had heard them say the above comment, I told them what they had done was incredibly insensitive, no apology was given I was just met with silence, for some reason I didn't have the strength to end it then and there and made the mistake of saying we need to talk more in person.
I don't want to talk more, I have made my decision, they very clearly helped me to make this decision, but yet I am still not entirely comfortable, I know I don't want to change my mind, I know that my Dad would be horrified if he were here to tell me how poorly they were treating me, yet I am still uneasy.
What would you do.
Thank you XO
I can't comment on specifics as to what I would do in your situation. Except that it sounds like an incredibly insensitive situation and one that I would take my time and wait until I was strong enough to assert myself as to what I wanted to do with my father's ashes. If you think that you will have problems with these people could you get someone that you trust to advocate on your behalf?? If your father didn't have any particular wishes with his ashes then it is your choise as to what you do with his ashes.
You need to do what is in your heart.
If you feel the need, see a solicitor, they will guide you.
The ashes of a loved one is important to the family, to you.
Once again follow your heart.
When the time is right you will know what to do.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.