36f, Cancer and the Reluctant Journey Begins!

[hullosammy]

Hello,

I guess I just want to write something in a place where others know the feeling? Two days ago I got the call. The biopsy came back with atypia endometrial hyperplasia and cancer.

First off… Well this sucks, wth! When I first started this a few months ago I figured it would result in being told I have PCOS or endometriosis.

I have struggled with my period ever since I was a teenager. Maybe it started as PCOS? I had most symptoms but NO cysts on my ovaries every time I tried to get help… But maybe it was once PCOS but it developed… to well ‘hey you have cancer’.

i don’t know how to feel.

I’m mad at a medical system that tells people with uteruses their periods are just like that, or it’s just your anxiety when you know yourself there has to be something wrong. I can’t just be crazy or weak. I shouldn’t be living like this.

I’m furious at the universe and a past that included trauma from abuse and a broken family. Like what do you mean?! I spent my childhood and 20s just trying to survive. My early 30s in therapy and untangling it all. And now what? Cancer?! ITS NOT FAIR!!!

I feel like I haven’t lived yet. That every step has been a stupid struggle. I was JUST starting to try and grow when I got so much more sick.

I was giving myself the space to meet myself. I worked out I was queer and asexual. I have never dated and never got the breathing room to question it all. And now it’s like a part of me, that is so ingrained into society as important where we’re told being what a cisgendered woman is, will be cut out. It’s just weird to navigate?

… But I’m also… happy? I’m happy because for the first time in a long time, despite the amount of bull, I realised I want to live… Suicidal thoughts have been a longtime friend from my past. But I feel like this is the first time in a good while I want to fight because I deserve a good life.

I’m relieved FINALLY someone believed me. It wasn’t just my mental health. There was only so much I could do on my own; and all the exhaustion, skipped work shifts, migraine attacks, crying sessions, and sense of lost control… it wasn’t my fault.

I know at the end of the day it’s a high survival rate for this type of cancer. It is uncommon to have it in my 30s, but it is hopefully treatable. But it doesn’t change the hurt and fear still.

There are two versions of me now. The person I was before and now the person with cancer. It will follow me forever; from suffering to survivor.

I had CT scans yesterday, and I’m waiting for my care team to be organised. I don’t know what happens next? But it’s wild to say ‘I have cancer’.

I guess thank you for listening little pocket of the internet void we’re all shouting into. If you took the time to get this far I appreciate it. I appreciate you, beautiful stranger, for sharing the weight for a moment. Thank you.

May we both be okay. I hope life can be gentle to you once more.

Stay strong. Stay kind. Stay here…

[Richard1]

Life knows how to kick you in the guts when your down.

Best piece of advice I heard when I was dying from the cancer, at the lowest of lows (I did survive though) was ‘ In order to grow, you need to cut a piece of yourself off ‘

Stay strong and never give up!!!

[hullosammy]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it 🙂 I’ll remember that advice!

I’ve been saving every kind word the last few days to my phone to remind myself I’m absolutely not alone in any of this ❤️

[Miranda_ccnsw]

Hi @hullosammy , thank you for trusting this space with something so raw and real.

What you're feeling makes so much sense… anger, numbness and shock are all so valid given what you're facing. The roller coaster of unfairness and moments of weird relief and clarity can absolutely all exist together. The waiting for 'what happens next' can be really hard as well.

You've already shown so much strength and resilience in navigating life up to this point, and it's okay to draw on these as you take these next steps. 

You might find that our Cancer Connect service is helpful as you navigate the road ahead - we connect you with someone with a lived experiencer of cancer (for Australian residents). You can call 13 11 20 and they'll be able to talk you through this and any other support options that are available to you.

In the meantime, I've linked a couple of resources below for you that might help:

Understanding Cancer of the Uterus

Question checklist for cancer of the uterus

I'm sure others here in the community who understand the heaviness of saying the words 'I have cancer' aloud for the first time will jump in with some words of support also.

Stay strong and be gentle with yourself, 

Miranda

CCNSW

[hullosammy]

Thank you for your kindness and resources!

I’m definitely surprised with myself on how grounded I feel, despite it all. I guess it’s funny how mental health can sometimes go. I could crack at the smallest thing. But this? I’m holding strong! lol

I’m sure, like you suggested, my past is playing its part. I’ve learnt my strengths before, even if I tend to forget.. I am reminded of it now.

Thank you for the info. The uterine cancer link was actually how I found and lead through to the forum. I’m glad it was so easy to find. The check list though! That’s SO helpful! omg! I function so much better with preparing beforehand so that is perfect to have on me now! ❤️

I’m definitely going to consider the counselling service too. I appreciate there is support out there like that, as although I have my chosen family and friends to support me. I also understand how important and freeing it can be to have an unbiased point of counselling as well. I’m no stranger to therapy and I understand the empowerment of a stranger that understands entirely.

Thank you again. I appreciate your help so much ❤️

[Marasky]

Firstly, can I say you express yourself beautifully ... your optimism and love for your life shine brightly! I myself have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and am about to start chemo. It is certainly a frightening new journey and it is now not even a month since I was diagnosed. Plus I have to tell my adult children.  My daughter is about to leave for Europe for 3 months and I know this will hit her hard. There will be thoughts of  "Do I have the gene too?" So I need to give her the time to address that concern for peace of mind before she goes. Can I suggest, as someone newly embarked on this "detour" in life that you ask for a much help as you can? I have found everyone so far helpful and understanding and I learned quickly which sources to trust for information and to stay away from Facebook groups. You may find there are specific groups in your area you can check out for in person support which I have personally found a great help. I wish you well.  You are not alone and please reach out when you need to.  Sending you hugs 🙂