Hi there all

[johnrp1964]

Hi there everyone. Im new to this, just joined tonight. I havent been diagnosed with cancer yet, should be having a biopsy done next week or the week after when the hospital decides to get its act together. CT Scans revealed multiple nodules throughout my lungs with what looks like a primary tumour. I dont know how I am going to cope if it turns out to be bad news. I am sick with worry about all of this. My friends and family and my partner are all supportive but I need to connect with others who are on the same level as me. I feel like I am sometimes a burden to others in my life and want to live as normally as possible. Sometimes it gets too much for me, the waiting is the worst thing at the moment but then there is a part of me that doesn't want to find out either

[harker]

Hi John I can see from the time-stamp that you were up pretty late. I would be too. Glad you have checked in here. It is a good place to come back to as things take shape. It sounds like you life might be changing substantially once you have the test results. Or not. It is a long wait. I am surprised about that. If it does change for you, you might need to let it change and find what's normal after a while. You might not be able to keep the same normal. Not lecturing you, just reflecting what gets said around here as people go through the system. Keep us in the loop. Okay? H

[johnrp1964]

Yeah was up pretty late last night. I live alone so often tend to sleep during the day to relieve my boredom. Not knowing yet also stresses me out a bit. At the moment I'm planning for my engagement tomorrow, lots of plans put in place to make it all work just right, hope nothing goes wrong at the last moment 🙂 I just want to enjoy this weekend I guess and forget everything till i come back home again. I find that doing things to distract me is helpful at this stage but yeah the thought of chemo scares me a bit. I'll try and just go with the flow. Thanks so much for replying to me. I'm finding that family and friends really dont want to talk about it at all until i have a firm diagnosis. I joke with my mother and tell her shes meant to go before me not the other way around and she cries. I try to deal with the difficult stuff by keeping my sense of humour.

[#4]

hi John, all the best and I hope the weekend goes well. Cultivate people with a sense of humour.. it helps. You will find that you put heaps of effort into what is called 'managing the emotions' of other people. keep in touch regards Jan

[pimbok]

Hi John, So glad you joined and posted. Engagement sounds wonderful 🙂 Jan is so right - people with a sense of humour really help. Keep us posted on how you're doing. Kim

[SILLY]

I am not surprised at your mum's reaction. She's a mum! The waiting is painful and frustrating.It feels like they are not doing anything to help. I hope it turns out to be not as bad as you fear.

[johnrp1964]

Thanks for the welcome Kim, nice to meet you. Engagement went great, I was very nervous but she said yes to my proposal. Yay! I cooked a roast chicken dinner last night for her and her children and we announced our engagement to them. I think they were a bit shocked, maybe not epxecting it 🙂 Will keep you all posted on how im going. We're going ring shopping today. Wednesday is a big day too, going to see the surgical team at the hospital for an initial consultation. Fingers crossed!

[johnrp1964]

Yeah, shes a wonderful mum 🙂 We're quite alike her and I. I think I have got her emotional genes. We both have a cry over the phone to each other. I have told my parents there's nothing they can do to change things, the only thing I ask of them is that they will be there with me through the good and the bad which they have always been. My dad did something pretty amazing the other day, he actually gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek when he left here from visiting. I cant remember him doing that in my whole lifetime! Its sometimes hard to act normal, cos normal seems to change based on your circumstances. Dad has been giving me money, my brother sent up some money to pay for mine and my fiances dinner as well. Its hard not to feel guilty about it I guess, the feeling that people are giving me all these unexpected gifts all of a sudden. I guess I should just be grateful for having such a wonderful support network, just dont want people feeling sorry for me I suppose.

[#9]

Your posts have put a smile on my face, thanks for sharing. About help from people, oh gosh, take it all .. you will need it. Money is important too, it is expensive to be ill. Do let people feel a bit sorry for you, I think it is a gift from them. In a space when there is so often "nothing one can do", giving a feeling, or practical help, or being there is about all there is to do. There is that awful sort of pity, but most people aren't like that. On my journey I was completely gobsmaked by the support and love I got, I still do not have words to describe how I feel and I still get a bit weepy with gratitude. Have a lovely time shopping and All the best for Wednesday. Jan

[Wegotthis]

John 

I hope all is well with you and your family. 

Just curious how things are going. 

I'm waiting to find if I have cancer. 

Reading your blog brings back memories of my father. I can't remember him ever telling me that he loved me. 

My kids hear it from me and how proud I'm of them all the time. 

I like to use the hard things in life to make my family stronger and better. 

If I do have cancer my family is going to see me as a strong role model. Even if at times I have to fake a smile