I feel lost

CancerAt25
Occasional Visitor

I feel lost

Guys I'm so sorry for a lot of text here. I was diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer a few days ago. 2 weeks before that they told me it's probably borderline tumors so I didn't worry much but they confirmed it had malignant nodes.

I feel like I am all by myself in this. I talked to my family and they are very sad, they call me every day, and they told me they're here for me, they support me in everything from money to helping me out about stuff, whatever I need. I'm trying to be so strong for them so they don't worry about me. I'm constantly convincing them that it's nothing, I'll just have some chemotherapy and it will be fine, that the doctors are very good, etc. My best friend also said that and encouraged me that she has a feeling that everything will be fine but I haven't talked much with her.

 

Even when I had the laparoscopy in which they removed most of the tumor and I went home not once I moaned in pain, not once I complained, not once I shared how scared I was going under anesthesia and stuff. But now it's different. I feel like I'm losing my mind here.

Hell yeah I'm tough but this is something bigger than me!  I know anger and bitterness is what happens to most people after being diagnosed but I've decided no one will be seeing me like that when I have chemo, except a friend who has been helping me with doctors appointments and stuff.

 

I'm just already so tired. Since the diagnosis I've been to a lot of doctors appointments. Only today I went into two hospitals. I know it is just the beginning but I am so tired. I need to think of a million things. I'll need money, new place to live, good doctors, decide treatment or operation, research I'm not able to work, I can't concentrate it's like from a smart person I went to real stupid and I can't understand stuff that people are saying to me. The doctor today told me to go get a signature and I immediately forgot where I was supposed to go.

 

I seriously need help, I cry every day since then and I get so angry and motivated to kick this monster out of my body but then I can't fall asleep. I can't tell anyone the truth of how scared, how worried, how angry, terrified I am of this. I talk to the nurse at this hospital, then I talk to the people who are doing my genetics exam, then I'm rushing to get to a hospital, it's overwhelming, I'm doing it all, but I guess I just needed to vent. And it makes me so sad that I had big plans. I have to put my career on hold, maybe I'll get fired because I admit it, I can't do my job properly! I know that I'm no special snowflake, that everybody who has had cancer feels pretty much the same emotions. But I just need support to whine if I want to because I'm tired of being so strong all the time. 😭

8 REPLIES 8
Traci-Renee
Frequent Contributor

Re: I feel lost

Heart Hugs to you!  Stay strong and positive...Then kick it in the Ass...you are not alone. I don’t have Cancer but my husband does.  He is very ill.  But positive thoughts will get you positive results.  But now that you have found this sight, you are not alone.  You can speak of your fears and thoughts and we are here to listen and send you positive hugs.  You got this ❤️

Lampwork54
Frequent Contributor

Re: I feel lost

It's ok not to be strong all the time.  It's hard as a mother because you want to protect your children.  I worried more about the reaction of my husband and children than the actual diagnosis.  We all feel incredibly strange, stupid, tired, unwell and very frightened.  It's perfectly normal.  I think you need to have a good talk to a GP about your needs to get you through this diagnosis.  Perhaps he can recommend some medication to help you sleep and ease your anxiety.  This is not the time to be strong yet struggling inwardly.  You need help right now.  You need to be resilient to fight this and that's really hard if you're not sleeping.  Sleeping is the most perfect thing to have right now.  Your body desperately needs it to recover and face the next day.  

 

You're not stupid.  Ask your doctor to write things down if you're having trouble understanding them.  That way you can go over the note, research things yourself and be informed enough to discuss your options.  My surgeon told me not to research the diagnosis.  Of course I did.  I was more frightened of not knowing what it was than actually knowing a great deal about it.  It's a very important time for making decisions so you need to have good information from reliable sources.  

 

The most frightening time is when you don't know what's going to happen but once you do you will be able to face it and fight.  Trust in the experts as they want to give you the very best advice and care that they can.  It is scary but you will get through it.  I hope everything turns out well for you.  Don't be too quiet.  Ask for what you need.  It's a terribly hard thing to do but it's really important.

cemo-queen
Occasional Contributor

Re: I feel lost

   Hello snowflake you are special!

Just know everyone in this community understands what your going through. Since I have joined I have talked to so many who have lifted my sprits. You need to know what you are going through is tuff to deal with. Dr. days, labs, scans, cemo you will find your rhythm. It's a b***h but try to avoid the emotional cancer you are putting yourself through. You get mad, feel stupid, lost & alone, feel sorry for yourself. It's hard to know how to think or act. I probably sound like a broken record for saying this but remember what's hard by the mile is easy  by the inch. If you need someone to whine to I will be more than happy to talk. Ok!

Inch by inch.                                                                                              cemo-queen

Steffistaffi
New Contributor

Re: I feel lost

Hi there,

 

What a tough ordeal you have to go through and so young.  I started seeing a counsellor at the hospital that is treating me, I found her to be so helpful, almost mind blowing.

I hope you can get what you need, people you don't feel that you have to be strong in front of.  Venting here is a good start.

I wish you all the best. 💪

Reply
0 Kudos
thesanasoul
Occasional Contributor

Re: I feel lost

Hello,

 

Im so sorry to hear you are battling with this 😞

 

I've relapsed for the third time and having being living the past 2 years in and out of remission I decided to blog about cancer, healing and nutrition. I want to help others, like yourself, feel like they are not alone and hopefully I can help them in some way. I talk about fear in this post (below) and it may be able to help. 

 

https://www.thesanasoul.com.au/post/_fear

 

Sending you lots of good vibes 💗

The Sana Soul

 

 

louie
Occasional Visitor

Re: I feel lost

Feeling like I do not want to go thru all the hoops and endless time in waiting rooms. Worried sick about telling my kids and wonder how I am going to take care of myself. I feel like I do not want to tell anyone. I do not have any family other than my kids, and they have their own problems with life...and all that is going on in this society that can’t seem to treat each other right. Just wondering if any one else is feeling that way. I am in the medical profession, recently retired.

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Traci-Renee
Frequent Contributor

Re: I feel lost

Louie,
You have to tell your kids. This is a time that you might actually see them pull together. You don’t want anyone to have any I wish or I should’ve. You want to express love and know your loved. Stay 💪 strong.
Patches
Contributor

Re: I feel lost

Louie, I don’t have cancer but I cared for my husband from his diagnosis until he passed away.  He has 2 sons, one of which had not gotten along with his dad for many years, 1 sister and elderly dad.  After we were given the diagnosis and the initial shock wore off he told me he needed to tell his entire family as they all needed to know.  He told each family member and there was a mixture of reactions from them which was understandable.  Quite possibly it may not be easy conversation but you need to tell your family.  Don’t worry about their reactions, this is your time to be selfish and you are allowed to be selfish and put yourself first.

 

Sending you hugs. ❤️

 

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