I was recently diagnosed with endometrial cancer.
I'm apparently on the young side for that diagnosis at 37.
As I write this, I'm 78 days post op from my hysterectomy, and I just finished my second session of brachy therapy radiation.
My therapist has recommended that I journal to help me cope with all the emotions I'm experiencing, and I've decided that since I pay for his advice, I should take it.
Last week I wrote an entry that really helped me. It helped me to get those feelings out and be able to say exactly what I meant about how I felt. Now I'm going to leave that entry here, in the hope that it helps somebody else.
I had a conversation with one of my bosses today where she was saying that radiation isn't so bad because she's had friends do it, as well as having several other horrible sounding illnesses and I left that conversation not feeling great.
I dunno if she was trying to make me feel better or subtly shaming me, but either way I didn't love it.
It's not the first time since all this started that I have felt insecure about my frame of mind re: this illness.
I am vacillating between telling myself to be strong so I don't crumble under the strain regular life, and taking people's advice to feel my feelings, and be however I am at any given moment, not worrying about putting on a face for whoever is around.
I'm over here struggling to be my idea of strong, when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Meanwhile, people like her are walking around assuming I must be fine because they don't see it as big deal because their sister's cousin's friend went through the same thing, or something worse, and was fine.
To be clear, for the record, I am not at all ok.
I am a person who had never been sick before. I've never had any occasion to go to, or stay in a hospital for myself. I never broke a bone. I never had anything more serious than what a prescription of antibiotics could handle.
To go from that, to needing a blood transfusion because my period was so out of hand, to finding out that it's out of hand because of FUCKING CANCER, to finding out that my only treatment option for said cancer was to rip out my womb, to finding out that I have to have radiation treatments on top of that, to finding out that ONE of those treatments involves me being held open by some fucked up implement so they can pass a radioactive wire into my vagina, to finding out that THAT is not even the worst of it, was a lot for me.
I wish I was ok, but I'm not. I think I'm supposed to be ok, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm being dramatic or not. I'm not supposed to care if I am or not, but I do. I'm terrified and devastated, and I'm not ok, not at all.
It's ok to not be ok. It's also ok to be angry, upset and sincerely pissed off with the world too. No one's journey is the same as yours. It will be very different to anyone else's. You'll eventually get to a place where you know what the plan is and go through it all, hating it. You'll be incredibly grateful when it's over. It's a huge marathon and you'll have to be your own best cheerleader because no one else will know exactly how it feels. Do whatever you need to make yourself feel better each day or get through that particular day.
This is a good, safe place to vent your feelings. There's nothing we will be shocked by or upset by. We'll also be cheering for you in the background hoping you make it through what lies ahead of you. There may come a moment when you are ready to just place yourself into the hands of experts and allow them to guide you through your journey. It take a big leap of faith but often we don't have many alternatives.
I wish you well. I hope your journey is as good as it possibly could be. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. x
Its Ok to not be ok when you have the strength and power and wisdom to reach out and say I’m not ok
I got S1 esophageal cancer in 2012 radiation and chemo then huge opp lost 40 kgs made it through 7 years then got esophageal cancer S4 had radiation therapy and chemo that’s all they can offer this time round with 20% survival in 5 years if I’m lucky
Yes I have been very similar places as you I have cried felt sorry for myself felt lost regret felt depressed felt isolated felt fear but also joy compassion optimism hope and love and prayers from so many family and friends
we don’t often know where our journey will take us how we will cope but I DO know we must often fight with all out might and passion set goals kick goals even small ones and NEVER give up
Take each and every day 1 day at a time and You WILL come through this I’m SURE of that stay strong be strong stay focused
Tell those around you that care for you and love and support you how much they mean to you
show love and accept love as YOU have so much to offer to so many and ALWAYS remember you are appreciated cherished adored respected and held in high esteem by many
Dwell on the positives reject the negatives and YOU will achieve MUCH I’m SURE of that and rich blessings on your journey as you have SO Much To Offer
Kind Regards 🆗
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