Depression

[Richard1]

So, Sunday morning. The sun is out and today is okay. Went for a long casual walk to clear my head and it worked. Still feel tired and sore but better. Almost feel like the old me, almost. I just need to capitalise on the good days, know that their is some hope and relief after all this chaos. I’m reading more, about 2 books a week, less video games and tv. Cleaning more and preparing for my day/week. Throwing away unwanted stuff I no longer use, it feels great to do so. Stuff I own tends to own me. I’m just ranting, emptying my head of unwanted information, that helps too. I try not to rush when going about my day, slow steady pace wins the race and letting go of things that are out of my control, which is hard, but I’m trying and learning. It’s okay to be lost, scared, angry. anxious. It means I’m alive, the cancer didn’t kill me and I get to see another day.

Your a long time dead, so make the best of a bad situation my fellow warriors.

I am proud of everyone of you.

[Richard1]

Trying to stay positive when your whole world is falling down is not easy. What do you do when life breaks you? Good days, bad days. I just want to let go of the fear and anxiety that builds up inside me the moment I wake up. I know it’s my problem, effecting my energy and mental state. I get glimpses of the old me during the day, it last for 30 seconds, than vanishes. Why does life’s challenges fuck me up so much now, I used to be able to face all obstacles with no fear and no regret. I’m just scared all the time. I hate bills, I hate money, I hate working, I hate cancer. Why is it that some people live perfect beautiful lifes, born into wealth, good looks, good health no problems and other have to struggle for ever? It’s not fair. I want to be free of everything, sleep is my only escape.

Well, that’s my rant for the day, of to work I go. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow… 

[iamtommy]

Great to hear you are trying to stay positive.

It's an unfair battle for sure. And ur at a disadvantage with everything u do - having a 'normal' conversation with my colleagues is a daily challenge because I have to try really hard to remember the little details of their lives.

Remembering to do this and buy that, is hard when ur very forgetful.

100% agree with you that sleeping is nice, I was always sneaking in naps throughout the day when I first finished my treatment.

Tidying up sounds good, have you tried tidying up ur photos? I remember going thru and sorting my photos, a surprisingly pleasant experience 

[Richard1]

All the daily jobs seem kinda pointless after cancer. Irrelevant and meaningless, I keep things tide out of habit rather than wanting. It is a good distraction. I don’t take many photos, never really have. I just wish I could get that spark of life back, not be afraid and fragile. Maybe I’m just over thinking, need to suck it up and be a man. Everybody else around me is moving forward, laughing, having good times and making great memories, and I’m just that anti social loser who had cancer, a passing comment in their easy conversation. Trying to maintain a conversation with some one is difficult, especially when your so tired and can’t shut of the noise in your head, what comes out of my mouth doesn’t match what my mind is thinking. The cancer has put a big spotlight on how horrible my life is, I need to change, but I don’t know how, and I’m afraid to do do so.

[iamtommy]

Everything you described is the reason why I was looking through these forums. The feeling of inadequacy,  not being at the level we were once at.

And the thinking, or over thinking that others are judging and looking down on me.

Im looking for councelling to help me re evaluate my new reality.

I did have to reconfigure my personal, internal expectations which was hard. To not aim for more successful roles or jobs. To forego the more difficult challenges that would have given me more credibility in my professional life.

To accept that I would just get through and do my job as best I can.

I'm still tempted by the lure of professional progression but finding it easier when I convince myself that a person in my situation isnt expected to have such high expectations etc.

It helps.

It also helps when I convince myself that others might talk about their goals and aspirations, but they dont usually meet them.

Everyone else is not as successful as they make it out to be.

That I am ok with feeling the FOMO, coz I'm not actually missing out.

And even if I was missing out, so what? Whats the point of the rat race?

Humans simply live a life they have,  and is there even a point to it?

Not really... the way I see it,  it doesnt matter if someone lives or dies. Of the billions of lives on this planet, it doesnt really matter in a literal sense.

But we are here. We have this life.

As scientifically miraculous as it was that we were conceived, we have this life.

And cancer could have taken it away from us. A car driving past could have killed us. But we were spared that, and cancer was a warning we received and now we have this second life.

I dont owe an explanation to anyone and I dont need to care about what my colleagues might say behind my back (which i over think they might be, but probably arent).

Im just living the life i already have and trying to get some joy out of it. Doing things that truly bring me joy, even if its wasteful or useless or needless or selfish. As long as it's not hurting anyone else.

My past expectations dont matter though Im always tempted to think about it.

This thinking has helped me get through the past few years.

Now im seeking councelling to help me continue with another new me.

Im certainly not qualified to give you any advice, but I will urge you to try to reconfigure your expectations because its not realistic or fair on you to have those.  You are a new person with new challenges and you shouldnt be expected to have the same expectations as you did before.

[Richard1]

It’s not easy trying to escape the old me. I want to, desperately. How do you change when all you feel is pain, mentally and physically, so tired all the time it’s makes me cry. Life is very short, I should be happy I’m still here, living in the bonus round. But for months now all I feel is scared, lost, vulnerable. Like something really bad is going to happen, it’s effecting ever part of me. I wish I had a hobby I could lose myself in, but I’m afraid to enjoy life because my mind and body are on high alert mode, I can only relax when everything is okay, and nothing is okay. I want to quit my job, I want to live where the sun shines, I want to relax in front of a crystal clear beach, feel the warm sand through my toes. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. How do you create happiness? It all just seems fake. Sometimes I wish the cancer ended me, it’s a stupid thing to say, but my life is horrible. Something in my head is malfunctioning, antidepressant don’t help, counselling doesn’t help, exercising eating healthy socialising are distractions, and nothing more. I’m afraid to look to deeply within myself and afraid not to. Conflicted. I will figure this out, somehow, I have to. I’ve gotten to far in life just to give up. Sorry about all the nonsense, it helps some to get these thoughts of my chest. Sunday morning, not much sleep, cold rainy day. And time keeps ticking by…

[iamtommy]

You're absolutely right. We don't normally think about it that way, but when I think about it, happiness does seem fabricated.

Theres no instruction on happiness is there? For me, I was lucky that I have my kids, thats automatic. A given. Just seeing them grow and develop their own personalities simply gives me joy. Its really a blessing I've had.

I also have games to immerse myself in. Technically its a waste of time but I justify it by thinking other people who binge watch things aren't exactly more productive either.

It's gotten me by the hardest times until I regained enough energy to do more.

The scared and vulnerable feeling I have hasnt gone away. Its annoying. Things that would normally be a manageable anxiety is multiplied ten times and I can feel my hands shaking.

Public speaking was a manageable fear, but it scares the shit out of me now that I know I just need to avoid coz I'll embarrass myself, but i still do it.

It really is annoying, but it is me as I am now and I dont have a choice but to accept and work around it.

I also totally agree with what you say about not having to work. Its really hard to build up the motivation to work. Lucky for me, my manager allwed me to take 9 months off, then over a 12 month transtion, do 2 days a week. Then 3 days. 4 days. Then full time.

Even now if it wasnt for my kids, it would be hard for me to have motivation to go on. To work.

Have you been to the beach? To do the things you mentioned? If not... why not?

You might not be able to leave everything behind and stay on the beach but at least you can treat yourself to enjoy that?

I think you've earned that. I've earned that.

Even if we hadn't earned that, this is not something you need to earn right? I hope nothing is stopping you from being able to do that?

Also, are you dealing with any critical pains or disablement from this that you didnt have before? Besides the fatigue etc?

Coz its understandable that would hold you back from doing what you wanted.

Otherwise, you really do have the right to do what you believe would be joyful.

It helps me too, to talk about it. Even just to write a post in a forum like this. My friends ask and we talk about things, but its hard for me to dive really deep into things without feeling selfish about it.

So this is a good way for me to find some release of my bothers. If this helps you in any little way, it has helped me too.

Feel free to continue sharing your experiences coz it has helped me to find validation and confirmation that I'm not alone.

I do acknowledge that I am grateful that I have a reason to live for. And that I've been given this extension. I hope you can find a reason for you to continue too. It doesnt have to be big or major.

You are under no obligation to find a major reason to live. But just something you enjoy. Something you like to do. Even if that something seems selfish, I think you deserve to do it, to enjoy it.

I've yet to start councelling sessions but I'm hoping that will also help me balance my thinking to be able to deal with the new me.

[Richard1]

Monday morning and still so very tired. Slept all day yesterday and have no motivation today. On my second cup of coffee, it helps but not really. I’ll go to work today and do my best, than come home, have a shower, eat dinner, play with my dog then go to bed early. It’s all I have left to offer  this world. I just want this to be all over. I want and need to be happy. I’ve become that grumpy sad looking old man, I get the shakes and cry in the dark where nobody can see me. When I went to bed last night I dreamed about not waking up, and that gave me hope. When I woke up I was sad and had a little cry. How fucked up is that. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don’t have a partner or any friends, which was okay before I got sick, but now I just want someone to look after me. I don’t know what to do, my body and mind are failing, the old me is trying hard to break through and losing. It will be okay, it has to be, doesn’t it…

[Miranda_ccnsw]

Hi @iamtommy 

It's so wonderful to see the support you are giving and receiving here in the community. In particular, with the realness and rawness of the conversation you're having with @Richard1 . I'm sure that many others will gain hugely from your conversation also. I just wanted to jump in and let you know that you may find the Cancer Council Counselling service a suitable option for you as you mentioned you were looking for counselling. Just give 13 11 20 a call and they'll be able to talk you through any questions you may have. 

All the best,

Miranda 

CCNSW

[Richard1]

So, another day. Went to bed early, actually got to sleep very quickly but then woke up 130am wide awake, worried and scared, usual stuff. So I just stayed in bed, closed my eyes until 430 then got up. Another horrible night with little sleep. I’ve got no energy, my mind can’t handle simple mundane tasks like making breakfast and the day hasn’t even started yet. When is this going to end. I’m still going to drag my sorry self to work and get it done. I broke down last night talking to my dad, told him Im just keeping it together. I was crying when I got out of bed, my legs feel so heavy, my mind is foggy, my shoulders feel crushed. Fuck me.

Its going to be okay, my boss is passive aggressive all the time, work mates annoy me all the time, driving to work sucks, driving home scares me. I have no sanctuary any more, home used to be safe, now I just feel lost when home. Maybe I won’t wake up tomorrow, why do I have to think like that. If there  is a god, please save me… I will not give up, no matter how hard it gets.