Hi, I have my first appointment tomorrow with the oncology team who are setting up my combined chemo and radiotherapy treatment (I have head and neck cancer)...
I was looking online at wig options etc last night and looking at videos about it and for the first time since my diagnosis I came close to tears... well... I did cry. Not loud boisterous sobs - just the quiet, tears must slide down my cheeks if they must and only because I am powerless to stop them type thing. And it occurred to me that the thing that appears to bug me the most in my current life experience is the loss of control.
I am no longer captain of my ship it seems and have to rely on crew members to steer my way. The fact that my body dared to get cancer without my permission also gets at me. The fact that my strong will can't determine such things bothers me. I have always been the strong one. The in control and take control one. If you look up stubbornly independent in the dictionary it would probably refer you to me 🙂
Having to rely on others for anything is foreign to me and quite frankly, I don't like it.
So I wondered if this cancer was to teach me a life lesson?
Anyone else pondered these thoughts?
How did your first appointment go with your oncology team?
Do you have a plan in place or still a bit touch and go?
Don't worry about the tears. Let them all out!
Yes, the loss of control can be difficult.
But at the end of the day, there's still nothing you can do about that either!
I've always tried to embrace the changes in my life and accept them for what they are.
Things will change again, and then you'll have more control again.
Appreciate the small things in life. Smell the flowers. Sit in the sun and enjoy the feel of it on your skin (but not too much!). Appreciate the amazingness of the fresh air. Live for what you can do, not what you can't.
All the best,
You might like to join our Life Force Cancer Foundation support group (currently online). Being part of a group and sharing with others who understand can be a powerful healing experience. Do reach out. We’re here to help.
and let the tears flow. It actually helps
with love and kind thoughts
Hello Dee - I echo what Jilly said. I'm the Jane whose phone number she has given you. I'm a breast cancer survivor (26 years!) and I can definitely relate to hating the loss of control, especially (and surprisingly at the time) after my chemotherapy finished. I couldn't understand why I felt so powerless and adrift. Luckily for me I found Life Force and honestly believe that attending my support group saved my life. I went on to qualify as a counsellor and have been facilitating Life Force support groups for 20 years. Since Covid hit, we have run our groups via Zoom, so no matter where you live, hopefully you would be able to join us. If you'd like to just talk to me, please do give me a call. You could email me on firstname.lastname@example.org. There is definitely help available - I'm the living proof of it 😊
Just wanted to thank everyone for their kindness and supportive posts at a time when I was feeling a bit low. I've gotten a grip again and not feeling so helpless as I was at the time of initially writing this message. Was almost going to delete it because I don't like signs of weakness in myself but then I thought it might help someone else so I left it there...
I am trying to be proactive and make choices that put me back in the driver's seat as much as possible. I have always been self sufficient and self reliant... at my age now its a bit hard to start and be anything else... This is a good thing though because with no family here and doing this on my own can you imagine what a mess I might be if I was not the way I am 🙂 I can imagine my hubby up in heaven looking down and agreeing 🙂
I think a turning point for me was being offered the cold cap thing which saves your hair from falling out with chemo... it IS freezing... it IS unpleasant but if it means I keep my hair, even 50% of it, for me that is worth it. So I have chosen to suffer a bit more for a good reason 🙂 They told me some women can't stand the cold and actually give up on it... fortunately for me, giving up isn't in my nature...
My dad always used to go around telling us things like, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone... funny how I remember things like that these days but I think it helps keep me in check. After all, I am still alive. There are millions in the world who don't have cancer and who are worse off than me.
I am always remembering the analogy about the man who felt sorry for himself because he had no shoes... until he met the man who had no feet. Snaps me out of anything negative I might have been feeling, every time.
Anyhow, as usual, I am waffling... sorry 🙂 Thank you everyone for your very kind support! And I hope you are all enjoying a safe and if not healthy Easter, then as enjoyable an Easter as you are able!
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