Can breathe for a minute till I find out if I have bowel cancer as well.

[Darlene2020]

I've been a total prisoner, I feel like since September last year, after having my cancer surgery ,left lung lobectomy . My husband has controlled what I do, who I see, where and when, if I can go anywhere, including doctors visits ,that I'm not allowed to do any on my own he has to be in the room. What I ate, when I ate ,if I ate. While all the time making out to his family (they all live interstate so it's easy to do), that he was doing everything to look after me the best he could, in fact he mostly just ignored me and left me in my room to get on with it. I have had pneumonia and pleurisy in what was considered my good lung  twice since September even though it's very scared from childhood illnesses and I have COPD .  He is going back to work tomorrow well for 2 days I have lot of appointments this week , I'm so happy I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight . I have no family and have only one real friend and she lives 3 hours away and has her own health issues. I hate being like this, wondering if I have made the right decision in having the surgery. I don't think I will do any treatment if I have bowel cancer as well, there is no joy in my life and no real reason to fight.

[sch]

Hi Darlene2020,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.

From your description of your relationship with your husband, this sounds like abuse. You don't need to put up with this.

Discuss the situation at the hospital and they should be able to assist you with finding some help. The hospital should have a social worker that you can talk to and provide assistance.

As difficult as this all feels right now, I think there is a way out of this situation (the cancer and personal situation). Now matter how difficult everything can feel and how impossible a way out might feel, you just need to concentrate on finding the way out.

Try to find small things to find pleasure in. That might just be sitting in the sunshine.

But please seek help. Be it from a hospital social worker or a charity.

But just remember that you can do this. I believe in you.

-s

[Dee58]

I agree... with your life as it is there sounds like there is little joy and little to look forward to - and whether you had cancer or were fighting fit and healthy, my first thought would be "get out of there".  You need to be with people who really care about you and listen to you.  If nobody does, you may be better off alone!  There are many of us it appears who are doing this alone.  If I had the choice of horrible family or as I am - alone - I do believe I'd pick alone.  Because I can choose my own friends, I know there are people who care and who will help me if I ask... and I am away from negative, using, abusive people.  There are very nice, caring people online here who I don't even know but whose replies make me feel better... and not alone.  

Back to you... Your life is worth something.  YOU are worth something.  YOU are worth fighting for.  Once you realize that you may find the strength to do something...  a wonderful and exciting new life, a new adventure for you, can be yours if you choose...  for all you know there may be others in similar positions who would, just as an example, love to move out from where they are and share with someone else who understands and who may even be in similar shoes... or who has a place and has a room they'd be happy to rent out with a caring other person... and that person could be you.   Could you move back with your own family?

Otherwise, have you tried talking to your husband about this?  I have a friend whose heart is in the right place but her behaviour now that I have cancer sounds very similar to your husband's.  I am constantly reminding her I am not an invalid and having cancer has not suddenly made me a two year old, brain dead, idiot who doesn't know what they're doing!  She treats me like that and I hate it.  I have taken to sneaking out to appointments without telling her because she insists on coming along and basically embarrassing me by interfering and telling nurses etc things that she has no right saying - even they look at her sideways and wonder who she thinks she is.  Could be your husband thinks he is protecting you and doesn't know he has overstepped the boundaries...?  Although you have also said this is an act for your family's benefit?  

If you are so unhappy there why are you still there?  Your life IS worth fighting for but only you can steer your ship... nobody else can do that for you even if they try. And if they get away with trying to steer your ship it's only because you have stepped aside and let them.  Take back your steering wheel...  

And keep us informed... because although we've never met, it's clear many of us do care. xx

[Lunabird]

Hi Dianne. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been handling my cancer on my own and I have to say that if I was being suffocated as you are, I would prefer to handle it alone. There's a big difference between supportive and stifling. It may just be that he's feeling helpless over your struggles and needs to feel in control. But please don't give up because of that. I'm many cases, colon cancer can be dissected from the bowel successfully with clean margins. Mine wasn't removed, or even discovered, until my bowel ruptured. By then it had spread to my liver. If you do in fact have colon cancer, take care of it before you end up like me. Had I not put off having my colonoscopy due to Covid, I most likely wouldn't have a colostomy or cancer lesions on my liver. Please don't misunderstand me, I have a very positive attitude even though the odds are stacked against me. My chances of being cured are minimal but yours doesn't have to be. But because of my positive attitude, I expect to be around longer than predicted. Please don't give up. Your odds are so much better with early detection.

[KaceJax]

Hi @Darlene2020 

Hope you are okay by now. How is the behavior of you husband, any improvement? Maybe, he's just so worried of  you that he wants to be there as much as possible. I guess you are not being ignored, maybe, there are times that he also needs space to breathe and assess your situation. 

[Hannah30]

Hi Darlene2020

I truly feel for you.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago where my doctor  urged me to have an immediate double mastectomy. I had put off getting my right breast tumour seen to for over a year (and, as my doctor indelicately described it, it was "huge") but ultrasound and a mammogram detected one in my left breast which I hadn't known about.  So I was scheduled for surgery in 5 days time and during that time a PET scan detected a met in my spine.  This was a game changer.  I requested hormone therapy for the met and I will be having a lesser lumpectomy surgery around November.  I can totally understand how betrayed you must be feeling.

I also have a support person who is (was) either gushing all over me with acclaimed empathy,  bemoaning his own life conditions where he is either sick, problems with work or upset because his wife has cancer but when I truly need some compassion he tells me how well I look and that I don't need to keep "going on about it".  Until very recently he has been abusive toward me (physically as well as verbally) and he is incapable of true compassion.  I would not want him as my carer and will end my own life before that happens.

It is important for you to get back a sense of who you are to yourself and establish some cause over your circumstances.  Go on a trip around Australia?  If all else is out of the question devise an exit plan.  I have a prognosis probably of 2 to 3 years and have formulated life choices even at this stage.

All my compassion and good will go out you.

[Hannah30]

Sorry, "exit plan" was wrong use of words.  What my gist is that it is important for anyone to make their own choices that includes quality of life and dignity.  When my time comes I will know and my choices will not include being cared for if I feel there is no possibility of quality of life.   I am thinking of a road trip by myself for some months and then just quietly disappearing - all very whimsical.

All the best

[LindaG]

Hi Darlene. I’m wondering if your situation has changed for the better as your post was in January and it’s now July. I so hope it has improved and you’ve got the help and support and love that you need. 💕 Linda