Hey all,
It's been about 4 months since I've finished treatment for Hodgkins Lymphoma, and I think the fear of it all is only just starting to take effect. When I was in treatment, there was no time to worry about the prospect of dying. It was just go to this appointment, have chemo, recover, another apointment, chemo again...there wasn't anytime to consider the enormity of what was happening, I just had the energy to take this thing day by day.
But now, having finished treatment and slowly getting back on track, I find myself worrying a lot. I even worry that I'm worrying so much! Which is silly, but given the experience we've all gone through, it's understandable. I'm planning a trip around the world, which I've already had to put off due to getting sick, and worry about that.
I know what you mean about having a supportive phsycologist flight, some days they are a god sent! Also I talk to my local cancer council representative, for more 'informal' sessions. It's lovely to talk to someone who has an understanding in what you going through.
But another thing I worry about is finding my place again. I was 20 when diagnosed, living independantly, had a good, well paying job I enjoyed, not a care in the world really other than paying my rent on time. I hate feeling so lost now, and as I get better, it shocks me how much I've changed. I used to be a very social person, now I dont want to see people at all. That went with the job I was doing, now I couldn't think of anything worse. And I've also realised I've gone completely off topic, sorry, guess a vent was needed...
I guess what I'm saying is that the fear is not just about the physical part for me, but the emotional too. Like I'm struggling to define myself again. Do others feel that? I'm not the best at explaining myself....