Just venting

[Richard1]

Another day. I can’t get the overwhelming feeling of worrying to stop. Physically I feel okay, very tired and sore but okay. Mentally it’s difficult, I know I should seek some kind of help, I’ve been on antidepressants before and hated it. Feel trapped and afraid. Can’t stay focused on anything and that feeling of joy and happiness is gone. Replaced with doubt and fear. I guess this is life now. Life used to be a fun challenge, moving forward and being useful. Just when I start to feel okay a wave crashes over me and I can’t breathe, sleeping is my only escape. What’s the point of anything. My mind is now hard wired to worry over everything, and I shatter to pieces when something unexpected happens, big or small. I don’t have the strength any more, sometimes it’s easier to not care and give up and that scares me. It’s not even the cancer that’s the problem anymore, it’s everything else. The cancer has highlighted how horrible my life is and how I’ve wasted it. Looking back it was easier to lay in the hospital bed before and after surgery than face the real world. To be looked after rather than looking after myself.

Well, that’s my point of view for the day, maybe it will get better…

[Isadora2021]

So relatable, Richard.  Thank you for sharing. Worry is such an energy sapper and a shovel that can dig a deep pit that’s hard to climb out of. 

When we emigrated years ago from my birth country at 15 years old, I suffered severe depression. The antidepressant I was given was awful - I also had a terrible experience.  I lost myself in a fog. A zombie. It was then hard getting off it safely. After my mom died many years later I suffered severe anxiety and realised I’d been anxious since I was a young child.  Such a worrier and perfectionist. So hard on myself. Lots of exercise and doing other things that put me in my special flow state (eg reading, spending time with animals, working in the garden etc) have always helped since I was a child.  As do breathing exercises. I have also been on a very low dose (20 mg) of citalopram daily, since my mom died, under medical supervision. It’s amazing stuff and makes me just feel myself and more able to deal with things.  No fog. I do still worry about the future, it’s not a magic bullet! Last night was a bad night. Probably because it rained all day yesterday so I didn’t get enough exercise and had too much time in my head. 

Please do have a chat with your GP about citalopram and a referral to a specialist cancer therapist.  Life is now very different, but it shouldn’t be so bleak 💔 

I’m not sure how active you can be and are?

[Anonymous]

Hi @Richard1 , 

It's really nice to see you online to share an update with everyone. Although, it does sound like the worry you feel is stopping you from experiencing any real joy or happiness in your life right now. It takes real courage to be as honest as you are around your mental health and how much this worry takes from you each day.

I know it has been mentioned before from others here that speaking to a professional, such as a GP or a psychologist, might be an important next step to take on your journey. Have you given any more thought to this suggestion from the community? Would be open to booking an appointment with your GP, or even calling 13 11 20 for support? The worry that is dominating your life right now isn't something you have to face alone. 

Take care and look forward to hearing from you soon. 

[Richard1]

Hi, still here and struggling. I used to be really active but now I have no motivation. My back and knees hurt all the time and I’ve got a rash on my face that won’t go away, I think it’s from stress. Still waiting on results, see the doctors in 2 weeks. I’m in a deep state of depression and anxiety, the last 2 weeks have been bad. I hate my job but need the pay, some unexpected bills and house maintenance are stressing me out. It’s difficult to play with the kids, I try to put on a brave face but my mind won’t stop worrying. I just need to suck it up for another year, get through this bad journey and move forward. I’m not suicidal but I sometimes think in that direction. I see no way out. Like you I was a anxious child, then teenager, then adult. I can’t remember the last time I was happy, or looking forward to something. Don’t worry about me, it helps to vent this negative energy out of my system sometimes.

My dog slept in my bed last night, I think she could tell something was wrong so she snuggled next to me all night, it was comforting. That’s my latest update, I’m of to work now, hopefully it will be a good day.

God bless…

[Isadora2021]

Hi Richard - i hope you had a good day at work? So sorry you’re not enjoying your job but need the income. Sounds like you’ve  developed a tough mindset that helps you push through and do the hours you need to.  

Work does help provide a purpose plus structure to the day, as well as human interaction. A good way too of stopping us spending too much time in our heads when we are so unwell! . I hope these things are helping you push through? 

Thank goodness for dogs!! They really are sensitive and know when you need some TLC.  

Have you given any more thought to finding a specialist cancer therapist? 

[Richard1]

I’m not really a therapy person. I’ve always dealt with problems in my own way. If it does get to much it’s nice to have that option. The stress of life sucks, got a rash on my face from worrying all the time. Todays a new day, rained all night and my dog slept in my bed again last night. I always think worst case scenario but today I’ll try and be positive.

How is everything going with your health and life?

[Richard1]

Hi Erin, if my mental health gets worse I will seek help. I think I’m borderline at the moment, could get better or worse. It’s almost been a year since my cancer diagnosis, I will see my doctors in 2 weeks for a check up and further appointments and a colonoscopy.

Not having the same strength is challenging, it’s something that I just have to accept. Working and living through this is exhausting, but I will keep going as long as I can.

[Isadora2021]

That’s the way, Richard! If you’re not up for outside therapy then you’re your therapist!! Up and at it! I have a Fitbit Versa 3 which helps me keep on track to move enough and destress with body calming activities.  Tracking doesn’t work for everyone. Some people stress more!! I like to work with information so I like it.

So glad your dog is hanging close at night and providing  comfort. My 2 young dogs (14 months old now) provide a huge motivation  to keep pushing on and such love and comfort.

One of the things i’ve done is sit down and make a list of what brings me joy. Some things I wrote I know are not possible now and maybe may never be again  (eg running and travelling overseas). I haven’t crossed them off because never say never!  

In the meanwhile I’ve developed compromises. Like walking and going on routes with my dogs that suit how we all are individually doing then and there.  I try to choose at least part of the routes to take us through nature. We all love watching the swans and pelicans on the river while school teams practice rowing as the sun rises. Lovely too getting to recognise early dog walkers and their dogs. We all come home better than when we left. 

I love gardening even though I don’t have a green thumb!  It’s fun researching what’s within my skills and capacity.  So I potter in the back terraced yard while the dogs run and play around me. 

I also love reading and don’t feel at all lazy if I wish to escape with my kindle while my dogs rest at my feet after a good walk or play. 

Taking my father out for breakfast and a drive 3 times a week (in particular Saturday) is so good for him and me). If I outlive my dad I’ll volunteer instead.

What do you like to do in your spare time, body permitting?!

[Richard1]

In my spare time I rest. I used to run, bike ride, hike, now I need a lot more rest to recover from work. I used to feel guilty about just sitting down and doing nothing but I realise now my body is not as strong as before. Mostly I read after I get the house work done, or lie in bed and watch you tube videos on my iPad until I fall asleep. Play and walk with my dog weather pending, it’s been non stop rain for the last week so I just chase her inside or play fetch. And that’s about it. Not very exciting life, but it’s all I can do. I have to start a list like you, just to keep focused on what’s important and what’s not. Didn’t think life would turn out like this, it’s depressing but I have to learn to accept it.

After work I have dinner with my mom and than  we watch tv together, see has helped me so much and I would be lost without her.

Another cold rainy day, doesn’t help my mental state but I will push through the working day, come home rest and do it all over again.

Ground hog day…

[Isadora2021]

Oh my goodness, Richard!  So relatable. I remenbwr well those days during treatment when I too pretty much worked and rested to get through the day and do it again the next day.  Rest is so important for recovery.  I managed to get a form of peace working within my limitations. Im a hugely competitive person so slowing down was a treat.  Sounds weird I know but I think we may be similar in many ways.

I’m really good at compartmentalising so it’s been relatively easy for me to not to stress what I can’t do any more and to focus gently on what I CAN. Acceptance of limitations is so important. Doesn’t mean it’s an easy excuse not to press forward. To do some Pilates or Yoga or formal body weight exercises indoors when it’s too wet or too hot to go for a walk. 

I’m so glad to hear you have such a great relationship with you mum.  We all need people who we can totally be ourselves with but who we also can do stuff for in return. A whole own.

I’m lucky I have a close small group of friends. I may not see them as often as I’d like but it is what it is. Some we **bleep** message everyday. Others less frequently but more during AFL season!!  I’ve now also made good friends with 5 people who either live next door or close by.  It’s such a comfort to be part of that support network and thinking what I can contribute. It’s taken a while to build up neighbourhood friendships from just stopping in the street on passing to have a chat.  We now don hesitate to ask each other for favours as needed (eg to bring bins in, pick up things from the shops, a lift to the train station etc) and catch up for coffee or a wine (alcohol removed these days for me!!) or walk together. 

Ground hog days can also become soul food days with some tinkering!! ❤️‍🩹 I’m so glad you’re going to revisit your approach to suit where you’re at. Please do let me know what your list making throws up!