Tired of having cancer

[#1]

Sometimes I wonder does it ever get any easier? I have had breast cancer since the age of 32 I am now 36. I guess I should be happy I lived five years with stage IV cancer. However, now I have cancer in my frontal lobe brain, neck, spine , chest wall and rib. I am on constant chemo. I am beyond depressed and tired of this life. I've had gamma knife chemo, surgery, radiation. Is it wrong for wanting to give up? I can't see my life get any better. Maybe I am just ranting. I wish I could find a cure, know when nothing can help me I'm just domed. What do I do with all my things? What will my family do it on my things once I am gone. I have some wonderful designer handbags and shoes. It hurts me like hell not knowing What will happen to my things. I also have two straight orange tabby cat that I took in. What will happen to my cats once I'm gone. Sometimes I believe if it wasn't for my cats I may have really given up. I feel sorry for my family because I am not able to do things with them I once used to do. I get angry and yell when I know they only Mean well. Sometimes I wonder who have I become. I hate you cancer and I can't help but want ask why... Why and why me...

[Jules2]

Hey Deb You sound like you have been through the mill with all that treatment. Why not take control of the what ifs and make some decisions? It doesnt have to set anything in stone but it might give you some peace of mind having some answers. It doesn't have to change anything for the here and now ... just kind of puts some order into those things that you are questioning? I get frustrated aswell at times and my family have copped it. They do understand, although am sure it does not make it easy for them. I at times resent having so much major illness in my life and am feeling that way at the moment because I am tired. Cancer is the one thing that I allow myself to hate. sending you gentle hugss Julie

[#3]

Thanks Julie, I didn't think anyone would respond to my belligerent rant. Thank you for the Suggestion. It must be that time of year Christmas that's hurting me. I tell everyone I don't want any gifts because I don't go anywhere And I'm trying to get rid of my things now. I tried to give my family some of my clothing Jewelry and My Collection of dolls, but they look at it as I am giving up in my life. It's the brain cancer frontal lobe that scares me. It can throw a blood clot or cause stroke and then what?? I wonder if I may have to lay like a vegetable in bed. I did take the time to fill out a do not resuscitate health care proxy form So my wishes are known. How does anyone keep their sanity while fighting Cancer. I want to be a better person and not be angry all the time. I want to find peace and not be angry at God. I'm just really tired of them Cuttin poking, needles, treatment , Vomiting, being very weak.....just tired of it all. Tired of these rods and screws up and down my spine.... Tired of the constipation and all these pills. And most of all I'm tired of being scared...

[Jules2]

hugss Deb ... it is not an easy trip whichever road we find ourselves on and for you having to continually keep having treatment must be just so tough! Good on you for being able to voice what is happening for you even if it is just to us. 🙂 You are already a good person, how much better do you want to be? You are already thinking of others by wanting to tidy up your affairs. I don't have any answers to finding peace, I think that is just such a personal thing for everyone. What about writing a wish list instead of actually parting with anything? THat way your family could have your wishes in writing, without it being wildly formal and they don't have to face anything they are not ready to face. It is tough on family and friends as they don't really know what to say and / or struggle with their own feelings. Of course non of that is particularly helpful to the person going through cancer. I am sure Christmas is hurting you as it kind of brings things home to us. Although it can be a joyous time of the year for some people it can be quite torturous. There are many who don't have families etc... That is always my reflection this time of the year, for those that aren't travelling so well or those that are on their own. Being scared is normal and I guess we search for answers that we sometimes come up with and sometimes don't. Some people find great solice in god and their beliefs and some don't. I guess we need to tap into what helps us as individuals. Always here to lend an ear or in this instance rather an eye. 🙂 hugsss Julie

[kj]

Debbiem76 Christmas is a very trying time of the year ,I see so many people joyous as they should be and yet we struggle daily and wonder is this the last xmas we will see if you are a patient, and our loved ones the carers the mums the dads the friends the children also silently wonder, it can stir memories of old I can't imagine what you would be going through each of us suffer differently but can certainly feel for you at this time I was once told we are all going to die some sooner some later i just happen to maybe the one who goes sooner Once I got my head around that life took on a different meaning and I take it as it comes but Cancer still Sucks kj

[gn21]

I have only just come to this site, after 4 years of stage 4 Lung cancer - clearly I am a bit slow on the uptake. But I am reading some of the older stuff and came across your entry and could certainly relate to it, although I have not, at this stage, gone through as much as you have. I hope you got through Xmas ok and found some joy on the day. My only strategy has been the one day at a time strategy. I occasionally ask myself whether I want to be alive on that particular day, and as long as, on balance, the answer is yes, I start by getting out of bed! There is a myriad of things we feel we need to do and organise. I went a bit manic went first diagnosed, and one of my priorities was to clean out my knickers drawer - I figured no one else should have to face that. Given that it has now been 4 years since diagnosis I have had to do the clean out a few more times, but at least I have nice kickers! It is good that you have done your medical I structions, and Jules2's suggestion of writing lists of what you want do e is a good one. You don't have to actually do everything yourself, but it will make things easier for others if they know what you want done. Being a control freak I have planned my funeral, chosen the music etc etc. still have to do the photo montage! Only wish I was going to be there. It will be more a party than a funeral. My plan includes drinks at the start - no waiting til the speeches are over! I hope things have improved or held steady for you. Please give us an update. And as per my favourite expression at the moment - hold your nerve! Gail