Need help

Nettab75
New Member

Need help

Hi, I'm Netta new to the group, I'm just looking for other caretakers to chat with..I just found out my Husband has Stage 4 lung and Bone Cancer last Friday, and every since then it's been hard for me because I have anixety really bad and he hasn't been the same since we found out..He's very angry and mean to me all the time I try to make him understand there's treatment out here to help him and only thing I get back is I'm dying you should be happy I mean I can go on..I try to comfort him that doesn't work I'm just really sad at this point

4 REPLIES 4
sch
Super Contributor

Re: Need help

Hi Netta,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's cancer.

I'm not a carer for someone with cancer, so I'll let someone else respond to you with better advice than I could assist you with.

One word though, if you read through the some of the threads, you'll find that anger is certainly something common through out the threads.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are on the receiving end too.

-s

 

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PaulShane
Occasional Contributor

Re: Need help

Hi Nettab75

 

Sorry to hear you’re experiencing trials at a time when you really need your husband to be strong enough to be open about all he is feeling and worried about and he really loves and needs you. 

We all receive information that can be challenging to accept and adapt to let alone process it, it takes time and requires strength patience and understanding. I have read a lot of the threads and anger and frustration is very common especially among male cancer warriors (I prefer to use the word ‘warrior’ than sufferer’)

When Shane & I discovered he has leukaemia we didn’t know what to think, we were silent for a moment processing the news. We just looked at one another, thinking, thinking about us as a couple, our future plans we made, our business, each other. We just held hands eyes tearing up then we looked at one another. We didn’t know what to say to each other but our eyes were locked so we just smiled comfortingly and hugged. I whispered in his ear - I love you you’re never alone, I’m always here right beside you and we will get through this one day at a time. Stay strong. You can fight this.


I made Shane promise me he would tell me what he needs how he is feeling so I can help him. I explained to Shane the power I hold to help him is only ever limited by his open honest communication with me. And I promised him I will be right by his side through it all and whatever he needs I will make it happen. 

Helping assure your loved one that you hold the reigns of strength during a time that is going to knock them for a row of $&@! cans is so important during a time where you need to bring your strength to the surface and make it shine so they can draw from it.

 

Husbands are notorious for wearing the pants and being the man of the house. They’re hopeless without their wives. But they’re the prime protector of their castle and everyone in it. It’s a mans role and husbands responsibility. 

Trying to process news that compromises their capacity to protect everyone and provide for their family is so damn difficult for the majority of most men to accept. Their productivity and self value is constantly under question in their minds and that’s a lot on top of their fear of being a burden. 

Talk with him, as much as he is angry and you are fearful of upsetting him further for his own good (and yours) Talk To Him. Take the opportunity to Reassure him. You need to break him open and get him to talk about what’s going on inside his head so you can help him. Communication is key to unlocking the mental minefield he feels is his responsibility to navigate through on his own. 

Remain calm and be strong. This is your time to take the reigns and burdens of worry off him by helping him formulate a plan going forward. His anger could be associated with hospital costs on top... by talking it out calmly together you’ll both find a plan to manoeuvre through this as a couple instead of being divided by anger and through fear. 

It may help to share this thread with him as your way of opening up the opportunity for you both to talk, I’m certain you’ll find a way to shine and make him proud. Keep your head up and shoulders back. It’s your time. You can do this... the both of you xxx 

 

read our introduction thread, it was our plan to help us navigate an uncertain road ahead. The only certainty we have is how we approach our journey together through it. This is all new for us we have fears and questions like anyone. We will learn as we go & if we have ‘we’ll wing it!’ Whatever the case, we will do it together. You both can too. 

our best wishes you both find a way through this together xxx 

P&S 

tmlynn1971
New Contributor

Re: Need help

.y mom has lung cancer as well and is also very very mean. I honestly think tht it is a coping mechanism I wish you luck!
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Wegotthis
Contributor

Re: Need help

I'm so sorry to hear about what is happening to you and your husband. 

You didn't mention if you have kids or not. 

I'm not a care giver but I'm a husband,father and grandfather with cancer. My responsibilities and role as head of my family didn't change because I have it.

I believe my responsibilities are now more important than ever. Everything I have stood for and tried teaching my family is going to be tested. 

I refuse to let this change who I'm.  In my house one is allowed to be mean. All eyes are on me. Do I really want my grandchildren to think that everything we believe as a family now doesn't matter .

I believe cancer is harder on the people who loves the one with it. I see it in my wife's eyes and half smiles. She is trying hard to make this easier for me. And I hate that she is scared and unsure about our future 

So I don't plan on adding any more problems for her. 

Our oldest son told me the other day that he's glad that I'm the one with cancer. Because he knows I'm going to use it to make our family stronger. 

Its times like this that we have to man up.

I'm so thankful that my wife and kids are healthy. I  have no problems in the world as long as it stays that way..

I hope your husband does some serious research before he causes you more pain. Stage 4 doesnt mean he will die . But he's living like he has nothing to live for .

There are to many people that are alive today that was told they had 6 months .

Heck my doctor told my wife and I that I could still die from cancer or the treatment. 

I smiled and told her that I'm alive today and that all that matters. Today is a new day. 

 

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