Partner can’t cope with cancer

[battler45]

Hi first timer.  I have recently been diagnosed with cancer after being very well all my life.  After being married for 30 years  I thought that my relationship with my husband would be able to cope with this news but no.   My husband hasn’t able to show me support or comfort I needed as he hasn’t been able to handle his own feelings.  Has anybody experience this?  I look at my relationship differently after feeling disappointed and anger that I had to support him instead of him supporting me.  I wonder if this common problem and something you don’t expect when diagnosed with cancer.  Any advise thanks.

[battler45]

Hi I have neuroendocrine in my small intestine and in my kidney.  I agree my partner is scared but i am the one dealing with doctors, scan, treatment and recovery.  I think if someone looked in a window and saw us they think he has the cancer and not me as  I cannot say one word without him getting very emotional and not able to continue speaking.  I have no one to lean on or talk to.  Luckily I have a strong character and will get thru this alone but it would be nice to have the support.

[Katekat]

Hello @battler45 and welcome to our community!

Sorry to hear you're husband is having difficulty dealing with your cancer. How have you been going though? Is your treatment etc going well?

May I suggest you give 13 11 20 a call and enquire about whether counselling would be available to you at all?

I'm also sending you a quick email with some information about our telephone support group for those caring for someone with cancer, it might be of assistance or interest to your husband ❤️

-Kate

Cancer Council Online Community Manager

[BJ1]

Hi, my partner was exactly the same when I got diagnosed & through the treatment. I got him some support through a psychologist and told him he has to deal with it. I leaned on those who were strong enough to handle me when I was sick or sad. Usually & surprisingly it was my kids! I had friends who would text with me when I couldn't talk, at any hour of the day, ones who got me out of the house or sat with me at chemo and I let him look after himself!! I have surgery in 5 days and he decided to end our relationship this morning. 

[BJ1]

So  my partner of 9yrs decided to end our relationship this morning. I was diagnosed in July and the path has not been easy granted, but i am going into hospital on Monday to have a mastectomy. What the hell am I supposed to do?? I now have no where to live and no income to support myself & 2 kids! 

[battler45]

Hi you poor thing.  How terrible that this happen right on your surgery.  I went thru my recovery without my husband and my son helped me.  After my husband got some help I returned but I still had anger towards him for letting me down when I most needed it.  It is a work in process my marriage.  I found out my husband was so scared that I would die he couldn’t cope and got very anxious maybe this what is happening  with your partner.   We think everybody can cope but that isn’t true.   I hope your partner calms down and returns.  Be strong know that you can thru this with or without him.  Good luck I hope everything turns out well and your operation goes well.

[Lozz247]

Hi battler 45,

my husband & my brother were the same when I was diagnosed. My husband he flew home took one look at me in the hospital bed and couldn’t  wait to get away from me. The second he walked into my room I saw his face and i could see his heart brake. 

my brother broke down and sobbed. 

all the way through treatment my husband refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong, couldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk about it. in the end  I sent him back to work (he’s fifo) and luckily my brother and sister in law were there for me (more my sister in law- it took a while for my brother to come to terms with it) 

I spoke with my oncologist about it one day, he told me it was a common occurrence with partners, men especially, and it’s not that they don’t want to help it’s that if they acknowledge it’s happening it means they face losing us. Eventually my husband did come to a couple of radio therapy appointments, and he met my oncologist but even now my treatment has finished, he’s trying to blank out it happened.  My brother only came to one appointment with me, I had to tread carefully he really struggled. 

my husband has a history of addiction and mental health issues himself so I appreciate that he did try in the end but our relationship has changed now. Before I would pull out all the stop for him…. Now he gets told regularly to go forth and multiply with himself, and when he asked me why I changed I told him the truth, he let me down when I needed him. His answer was that he didn’t want to live without me. 

he has accepted that I was disappointed, and has been trying to make it up to me any way he can (not that I think it can be made right) but I realised he could have just walked away, when I sent him back to work he worked as many hours as he could and fed money to my brother to look after me, my dogs and my son. He called every day, and he did try to engage with my treatment, and as much as he wasn’t there for me emotionally, maybe that was all he could give. 

so you aren’t alone, it happens quite often.  

[Susana_CCNSW]

Hi lozz247 and battler45,

Thanks for sharing your experience with us, it is just heartbreaking to see how cance affects everyone not just those diagnosed with it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept it, and then be able to share it with others.  We hope the online community gives you an opportunity to connect with others, learn about their own struggles and personal experiences, and hopefully feel that you are not alone on this.

If you live in Australia, please call our information and support line 131120 if needing some guidance or just someone to talk to.

Kind regards

Susana

Cancer Council 

Online Community

[Kebec550]

I join this group thinking they would be more about partner (married for 40yrs) having problem to cope. Being new maybe i havent found the post. My husband is a "tuffy". Stiff upper lip. He told our daughter he was fine and was coping. He will be there for support and caring.

He has been there for support in a way: drive me to chemo, visit in hospital for 20 minutes, pay for what have to be paid, new aircon during the summer, go to chemists but when it comes to my domain he won't or can't do. i told him ex. buy firm green grapes, came back with grapes full of yellow drooping fruits; can you please buy this brand of pasta sauce, comes back with no brand jar.  I laugh at time that i didn't train him well enough when the kids were growing and before i got sick ( pancreatic cancer). There is no acknowledgement of my illness, my fear. Will not listen to my suggestions for meal, cleaning house or stocking the frig,etc... I can do it he says but does it ALL his way. I am split between him being there and him bringing me closer to tears and frustrations. I do not have the energy to cope with this. Is this trivia, a concern, a way of hiding his very guarded feelings. Please give feedback.