What's a man to do?

[Versaillon]

Ahoy hoy Well I'm so glad I read this thread. Being the 'wife' and a you guessed it - female - I'm allllll about talking about your feelings, deseminating why we feel this way, crisscrossing and totally pulling them all apart so I can look at them under a microscope. My husband, being a guy, when asked how he's doing says he's fine, doing really well, can't complain. What? Well I know thats not true and I go on my merry way to get to the bottom of how he's really feeling. I've worked out that I'm an idiot and that for Rob, telling people the edited version with a cherry on top puts other people at ease but I think it also helps him stay positive because he believes what he says. When he's truly concerned about something, he'll say something to me but when it comes to emotions, everyone may as well live on the moon cos that's the chance of anyone hearing about it. But I kinda get it now after reading this (big step for a blonde!). So Kym, you've done the females of the human race a big service. Alana, I love your perspective. We too use humour to allay any awkwardness. Even in the chemo ward, Rob and I are usually laughing about something and I've noticed a few of the older patients giving us a few stares. I suppose many of the older generation think we aren't being serious enough as this is a serious situation. Well this is true, but like all things in life, we just have to deal with it as it comes and we choose laughter over tears because as the doctor always said, laughter is the best medicine! Kym - On a ride like this, there are no feelings, no emotions, no behaviour that is too weird or not normal. We're human and we deal with things in the way we know how. The fact that we're dealing with it and not shying away from it, is the best gift we can give ourselves! This site helps me deal with some of my darker emotions, stuff that I think my husband doesn't really need to see and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. So you're not alone in feeling that your wife might be the biggest pain in your ass today or that you're feeing sorry for yourself and your kids are giving you the irrits. There are days where I wish my husband would just go for a really, really long drive - to WA or something or that my mother in law fell off the face of the planet. But I've come to realise that these are completely normal reactions to a completely abnormal situation :) Hope everyone is doing well in Cancer Land today! Jo xxx

[Jules2]

Some days i feel like sharing what is going on for me and some days i just dont. Those "dont" moments are covered over in a variety of ways and thats just the way it is. I dont stress about whether its right or wrong because at the particular time i am not sharing its right for me. 🙂

[Jules2]

Hey Larn I like "suck it up buttercup" lol

[bev]

Well said everyone.

[kymg]

Well blimey, I didn’t think for a minute that this would get quite the response that it has. Having said that, I’m kinda glad that it has! I am still coming to grips with all of this. M current situation is ’with catheter’ – a really dandy suprapubic job that sits exactly (and I mean exactly) where the waist band of my pants is. So every time I move or sit down it hurts. I wore shorts with an elastic waist to work last week which is not really the right thing to do in a office but it did help. This week I am back in pants with a belt (and a sore stomach). So enough of me grizzling– as I say things could be worse. Having this thing stuck in me has made the seemingly inevitable radiotherapy go off the radar. The thing that I find frustrating, and maybe some of you gals can help me here, is the really polar moods that my wife has. One day she will be all concerned then the next she will be blaming me for dragging the family down. I fully expect that there will be mood swings amongst all of us but to blame me for something over which I have no control really seems beyond the pale. When we are out she says that “Kym must take it easy with things” and when we are home its “go and do some jobs”. So last Sunday I cleaned the pool, mowed the lawn and washed two cars. The next day I was buggered and could feel myself blocking up again slightly. All because if I look alright I must be alright. Apparently I have really bad mood swings and I do get pretty cranky when things change around the house for no good reason. But I think I am handling it all pretty well. Maybe I am not.

[Mrs_Elton]

Hi Kym, Just got back from our 'family' holiday and gee, do I have some thoughts on mood swings!! Will have to deal with that one later, or there might be another mood swing about to happen!! With respect to the 'go and do some jobs' bit, my experience is that it is 'all or nothing', hubby doesn't seem to have an "I'll ease into it and see how far I can get without totally wiping myself out" button. He either sleeps or runs himself into the ground. Frustrating all round!! Will get back to you on the mood swing stuff after giving it some thinking time!!

[Mrs_Elton]

Oh, forgot to mention, maybe you can start a new trend and start wearing caftans to the office!!

[kymg]

Hi, I don’t want to go flat out. I know that things won’t get better if I do that. I am doing everything I can to get my immediate problem sorted without even thinking about the underlying cause. Hell I have even stopped drinking and now only have drink at weekends (and only one) – all to give this body of mine a chance to recover. No, the pressure I receive is from SWMBO and regardless of how I feel, I feel like I should saddle up and try to do more. When I come home from work at 5:00pm after getting to work at 6:30am I am told to go and do something. I live in a Regional centre so its only 10 mins to work and I am not travelling two hours each way. But what I can’t abide is the “you’re dragging the family down” line. OK I understand that when people are feeling annoyed / frustrated things are said, that, in the cold hard light of day shouldn’t have been but to continually blame me for this is a bit extreme. It seems that she is trying to find someone / something to blame. All I can really say is S*#@ happens and you have to deal with it when it does happens. It is really important for those people nearest and dearest (and even those who aren’t) to someone with Cancer to understand that none of it is their doing, they don’t want to feel like crap and they want to be good again so that they can eat properly, drink to excess if they want too, play sport, shag – everything. Poor buggers like us do not need to be made feel guilty. Enough of the whinge – its onward and upward from here. As far as wearing caftans goes - well it is tempting - I could really let the breeze do some good. Have a good one (whatever that might be - a couple of things spring to mind) Kym

[jules_jp]

Kym, I hope you are feeling better today. Your world has been turned upside down. Your nearest and dearest can help only in their usual way. Only someone who has had prostate cancer can understand what you are going through. I found what helped me was lowering my expectations of myself and others, either by communicating/managing them - bummer I know (it would be great if someone could do this for us)! Initially, I had a lot of anger - I felt victimised by the disease - it ruined my holiday plans, my husband plans possibly my fertility and I was out of work. I wanted to be around people but on my terms not theirs incl my husband. It's about control and power struggle. It is really hard for people to see it that way because on the outside you appear ok. On this forum you can have a "whinge" with us - that's what we are here for because "we get it". Empathy is hard to find these days. You have been through a lot (and still are) so your feelings/reactions are a moving target and adapting to your new life. Some things will be same but you also need to see it as a time for change - eg. work hrs, alone time with your wife and spending quality time with the children. Perhaps you need some quality time for yourself.