Hi Richard - i hope you had a good day at work? So sorry you’re not enjoying your job but need the income. Sounds like you’ve  developed a tough mindset that helps you push through and do the hours you need to.     Work does help provide a purpose plus structure to the day, as well as human interaction. A good way too of stopping us spending too much time in our heads when we are so unwell! . I hope these things are helping you push through?    Thank goodness for dogs!! They really are sensitive and know when you need some TLC.   Have you given any more thought to finding a specialist cancer therapist?  ... View more

So relatable, Richard.  Thank you for sharing. Worry is such an energy sapper and a shovel that can dig a deep pit that’s hard to climb out of.    When we emigrated years ago from my birth country at 15 years old, I suffered severe depression. The antidepressant I was given was awful - I also had a terrible experience.  I lost myself in a fog. A zombie. It was then hard getting off it safely. After my mom died many years later I suffered severe anxiety and realised I’d been anxious since I was a young child.  Such a worrier and perfectionist. So hard on myself. Lots of exercise and doing other things that put me in my special flow state (eg reading, spending time with animals, working in the garden etc) have always helped since I was a child.  As do breathing exercises. I have also been on a very low dose (20 mg) of citalopram daily, since my mom died, under medical supervision. It’s amazing stuff and makes me just feel myself and more able to deal with things.  No fog. I do still worry about the future, it’s not a magic bullet! Last night was a bad night. Probably because it rained all day yesterday so I didn’t get enough exercise and had too much time in my head.    Please do have a chat with your GP about citalopram and a referral to a specialist cancer therapist.  Life is now very different, but it shouldn’t be so bleak 💔    I’m not sure how active you can be and are? ... View more

Totally understand where you’re at about work, Richard.     When the thought of early retirement 1st crossed my mind it was a shock and I pushed it away. But it kept coming back and I got comfortable with thinking about it with an open mind. It was good to be conflicted as it enabled a good hard look at the possibilitie.  With my prognosis not being great on statistics,  I didn’t want to waste my potentially limited time on the work hamster wheel!  So many personal life sacrifices over the years. My work life balance was seriously skewed, but it had become normal.   I needed to be 100% sure I’d have no regrets walking away.    So NOT something to jump into without a detailed analysis and plan. Whether I could feasibly change my job requirements etc and make a lesser income. Or whether it was more than time to jump off totally.    It took me a year after going into remission and lots of analysis to be very comfortable that I was financially able to walk away totally from a good steady income. Knowing that once I was off the merry go round of my type of job it’s very difficult to jump back on. So it would be a big hard line in the sand for me.    I also spent a lot of time working out what I would actually do day to day with the heaps of extra  time, and within my financial means.  That was also so important.  Sending prayers and positive thoughts for great scan results! 🙏❤️‍🩹 Please do let me know how you go!!!        ... View more

I’m so glad you have a dog, Richard! Such great loving company, plus a good reason to keep on fighting.  Yes a day at a time is the only way we can move forward.  It’s like running. Keep the feet turning over even (especially) when it’s hard!  I hope you find ways to do that which work for you. i was so good during treatment at focussing on today - not looking back or forward and just taking it a day at a time.  I had to retire from a high stress job I loved a year after  I went into remission because I no longer had the drive/stamina needed to keep going. It had served me well during treatment,keeping me connected and giving my days structure and purpose. I’d also stopped travelling overseas as much I had before cancer because I needed to go to treatment and my immune system was weak not to mention travel insurance issues!! .  I’m at peace with those changes and my new life.  I find it easy not to look back and not to compare my life now and then.  I think it’s because I do enjoy my new very different life. It’s wrestling with fears of my non curable cancer coming back.    Now I’m in remission but with numbers moving a bit I too find it hard not to worry about the future.  Please do keep in touch and we can encourage each other to keep those feet turning over ❤️‍🩹🐾🙏   ... View more

Thank you for the update and I’m so very sorry to hear of your mental struggles, Richard, and I relate.  They are currently the hardest part of my own stage in this process. My oncologist has given me referrals to 2 specialised cancer therapists to choose from but I haven’t taken either up yet. I did therapy for the first time at my boss’s recommendation when my mother passed from cancer some years ago and my original family imploded. It was amazing so I am not adverse to it.  I have been thinking about doing it.  I’ve finally had to accept I do need help.    I am managing to sleep, but not as much as I need. Luckily antihistamines work for me when I use them infrequently for a good night’s sleep.  Given how bleak  your mental landscape is  I wonder if you could see your GP about getting help to sleep, but also for anxiety or depression? (I have had chronic anxiety since my mother passed and the medication is the same for both conditions. It works so incredibly well for me. I don’t know how I’d cope without it hand in hand with more natural  therapies). I have 2 dogs and they demand daily exercise twice a day. I’m lucky that I’m still well enough to do that and I also have help when I need it. The dogs demand to go so they kick my butt out of the door when I’d rather make excuses! The exercise and being in nature have been so incredibly beneficial for my mental health as well as physical health.  I was just thinking last night how many aches and pains I had have disappeared. I’m not suggesting you get dogs (they are a huge commitment and are also part of my mental stress around the what ifs!), but they have given me so much purpose in my life and are a drive to stay here. I wonder if you could find a nourishing purpose that suits you?   Please do keep me updated. I send you huge virtual hugs and positive thoughts to find what may work to make life better for you ❤️‍🩹🙏   ... View more

That’s awful 😞  I don’t know what to say as I’ve been so fortunate to be in that truly awful place but to now be in remission.  I was fortunate enough to qualify for HIPEC + CRS after my initial chemo + immunotherapy worked.  It was a game changer for me but hard to qualify for. Once that was done, I couldn’t face going back on treatment, and stopped. I was fortunate again it hasn’t come back - yet.  My oncologist says now I can only do it again if/when my cancer comes back. I totally understand how and why you’ve had enough. You have a wonderful, close palliative team and I hope you’ve let them know and having tough discussions with them. In some ways July is now so close but in other ways you’re climbing a sheer cliff, needing energy and footholds. Can they help provide those footholds and help you get there. That’s the question isn’t it.  I pray they can 🙏❤️‍🩹    I’ve come to accept my life won’t be as long as I’d like but every day for me is still is precious - because I have quality for now.  ... View more

Oh no. Having a boss who hasn’t any understanding of cancer fatigue must be so difficult. I’m so glad you have a team of angel caregivers helping you, even if he’s not helping.   I think of all the side effects the fatigue is one of the worst. It can be so debilitating. Some people don’t get it that sleeping doesn’t fix it. It’s not that type of bone deep tiredness. Although I’m so glad you managed to get 10 hours in on Sunday and helped your body rest and regroup 😊🙌   i had the opposite experience in that my boss was so very kind and considerate and was trying to shift my work off me. Not what I needed in my fight.  We came to an agreement that I would catch a nano nap when I needed it (usually no more than 30 minutes was fine). Some days I didn’t need it, other days I’d need 2.  I was lucky though to be in a desk job I could work from home and my team and clients were brilliant. They knew I’d work when I was good (often in the wee hours) and everything still got done in a day. I’m so sorry you don’t have a job with that flexibility.   I’m in awe how you are pushing through. 23 July is getting closer.  Please do keep us updated and vent whenever you need to. We know what you’re dealing with and how very, very hard it is.   ... View more

That breaks my heart to hear and thank you for sharing it with us 💔  I remember well those days with Folfiri  which gave me so many nasty side effects including fatigue and sores in so many places.  I didn’t feel guilty if I needed to lie on the catch to doze, read or watch streams.  But I needed to move, mentally and physically. My nurse practitioner was fabulous in helping me find solutions and work arounds to those side effects so I could and good days could out number the bad.  Have you tried using palliative care through your cancer centre for relief and to help manage and make you more mobile? 🙏 ... View more

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of putting your head down and focussing on your end date  for treatment.  My mother has cancer in her family so it wasn’t such a huge shock for me, although very unwelcome  I’ve always thought I’ve inherited more of my motherr’s genes than my father’s. Darned it.    I’m so glad you’ve been able to work through treatment. I was able to do so too with careful management of side effects. I think that really helped me. I hope it’s helping you too. It gave a good reason to get up and push through.  I loved my job (sounds very different from yours though!!!) and it helped give me purpose.   Wishing you the best and prayers up for successful treatment 🙏🌺 ... View more

Thank you Cindi54!  We grew up with both dogs and cats. I still dream of getting a cat again, one day. My name here is actually my Siamese cat’s name. She was reacted by the other cats at my parents house so became my cat. Loved her to bits! She passed some years ago. I love the thought of you going down to the dog park. We have several people join us too who would love a dog but for various reasons haven’t got one!  The joy the dogs in their play time is just brilliant ❤️‍🩹 Wiahing you all the best.  ... View more