I still can't believe this is all happening to me. It seems unreal sometimes, - out of the blue, I will just get a thought, "is this real, Is this happening to me?" Like now . how am I supposed to deal with this, some people have called me brave, but I'm not. You just have to keep going. I'd love to get off the merry go round and let someone else take over. That's not going to happen. It is happening to me and I have to deal with it. I muddle along and blunder along, and have good positive moments and really morbid moments and moments where I am totally overwhelmed by all of it. Other moments where I feel this is not going to beat me, I will get the better of it. But then realistically it will shorten my life(90 yrs is not gunna happen). Thats hard to realise and deal with . The fact that I will die, alot sooner than I ever imagined. You cruise along in life thinking old age and death are a long way away, when its not. It could happen anytime to anyone. But its happening to me. I don't want to die and leave my family so soon, I still have so much to do. Is it fair? No it's not. What can I do about it? Rest and think positive, Does that help? Who knows. Prayer could help, peope still die while thinking positive. Are all these thoughts normal. I am sure they are, the brain wants to explode sometimes with so many thoughts pulling in different directions. Then along comes that Eternal optimistic thing called HOPE (it doesn't let me wallow for too long!) and I think , Well I am still here at the moment, I will wake in the morning for another day. Maybe my health will be a little better in the morning. A little bit better each day. The whole attitude thing could be turned around you could say I am blessed. I get the chance to catch up on things I always wanted to do and never did. The chance to say goodbye in a way. Many people walk out their front door in the morning and never make it back home. In the end my life is what I make it. Thinking too far ahead is overwhelming. I am thinking each day at a time and planning for a great Christmas this year with everything thats important to me. I am Ok. A positive frame of mind is a good idea and yes I believe it does make a difference. Concentrate on me and my health. Eat well when I can (not always easy when the tumours are in the food pipe.) I have found writing a wonderful therapy whether in a private journal free for all or on this website in a blog. I have my daughters wedding in March next year to look forward to as well. I WILL BE HERE. Thanks for letting me share I am good. Cheers Vicki MAY THE WINGS OF THE BUTTERFLY KISS THE SUN AND FIND YOUR SHOULDER TO LIGHT ON, TO BRING YOU LUCK, HAPPINESS AND RICHES TODAY, TOMORROW AND BEYOND (Irish Blessing) ... View more

Been in hospital since Weds morning. Rocked up to chemo and they admitted me, could hardly walk, aenemic, and dehydrated. Ended up with 3 units of blood that night and lots a saline. Home late this afternoon (Friday). Have a mouth full of ulcers as well. LOL Just all the little things. Results of tests were stable, no more new growths or lesions,It hasn't spread anywhere else they can see and one or two may have shrunk slight on the liver. So I consider that reasonably good news. The specialist came and saw me in the ward. He wants to review the actual scan himself with the radiologist and will see me again in 2 weeks.He seems to be very thorough.I actually have a week off the chemo, so not attached to anything at all at home at the moment. A strange feeling to get used to because I have had the 5FU bottle attached 24/7 for the last 13 weeks now. Will be having another Gastroscope in the next week or so as well. My legs a little better today, very marginally. But if that little bit better happens each day then after a few days I will feel much better, here's hoping. Here's to a new day tomorrow. Cheers Vicki ... View more

I went to a Look Good Feel Good program run by the local cancer resource group, the makeup industry and other organizations on Weds night. I was really looking forward to it. It topped even my expectations. The ladies ,all volunteers, were terrific. We had one on one with ladies helping us with our makeup and skincare and they pampered us a little too. These ladies all work in the makeup and skincare industry and some have been doing it for up to 10 years. We ended up with quite a bit of skincare and makeup products, all donated by the skincare and makeup companies, to take home. I was the only one there that had actually lost all of my hair so trying on the wigs was wonderful and it made such a huge difference. I ended up getting 2 wigs, both slightly different but both looked equally good. Everyone was just so positive and complimentary. I got so much out of it, not just the products but feeling really good about myself. Talking to the other girls too was good, seeing how others cope, some are just about to start on their treatment journey, some are coming out the other side of treatment and ones like me still half way through treatment. I had a CT scan on Wednesday morning and will find out the results next Thursday when I see the Oncologist. Hopefully it will hold some sort of good news, "shrinking liver lesions" would be 3 good words to start with. Had a Chemo session during the day as well and that didnt go so good, had a reaction to a drug and didnt cope well with that, it did pass by the afternoon though. They wont give me that one again. The look good session at night made it all better though. ;) Cheers to all Vicki Anne Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened :) ... View more