Aside from offering sympathy, my advice on self-termination is a firm NO.    Pain comes and goes.   And it can be managed.  Even if you think you've got hours or days rather than weeks and months, even in that scenario, I'd suggest trying to squeeze something meaningful out of that time.   Rather than suicide, you could get zonked out on painkillers and choose ... whatever that one thing is for you - that one obsession.  Get all your money and an endless line of prostitutes, if that floats your boat.  Go and pick fights with strangers, if that's therapeutic for you.  When time is short, you have the unique benefit of being able to put to one side that big bag of shits that you're supposed to give in normal circumstances, and move forward unimpeded.  It doesn't have to be antisocial - in my case there might be a little of that, but yours could be sweet and wholesome.   (But yeah, youre free from worrying about tomorrow, worrying about what people think, and that is, in a way, liberating.  "I don't give a shit" is often a gesture of despair ... but leaving baggage behind and CHOOSING what to do with your remaining time should lead you to some kind of pathway other than suicide)   If it's unknown how much time you have left and you're just scared  .. then I'd talk to my doctor: a) about managing depression, pain and suicidal thoughts; and b) about getting on a palliative care / quality of life program to minimise the suffering for my time that's left; and c) about getting on any clinical trials, immunotherapy, that kind of thing -- I had a close family member who was due to die within '2-3 weeks' and he got on an immunotherapy trial and lived another 5 years.   Anyway, I'm not projecting this onto you, not telling you what to do, just offering my own firm perspective.  You have cats.  I have three young kids.  I get that it's a different proposition, but the basic premise is the same:  YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.   We all have to die.  Embracing it is stupid.  There is still time available to you.  USE IT.   Whatever it is that you love, whatever that obsession is, even if there's a bully from high school you always wanted to punch in the face.  List it down and (without blaming me in the event of later police attention!) go for it.  That's my suggestion, in lieu of popping pills and ending it.   You're afraid of pain.  OK.  Nobody likes pain.  But pain isn't the only thing.  And it passes.  And once we suffer it, we usually find that it's not half as bad as the ANTICIPATION of pain was.   The flinching before the blow (which is what you're doing now).   Fuck that.  Get some heavy pain med from your cancer doctor and go and see some movie marathons or something.   As long as that essential piece of spirit inside you that makes you .. YOU .. is still there and functional, killing yourself is (just in my opinion) the gravest mistake available to a human being.     ... View more

Thanks mate, I appreciate the kind words - actually a boost at just the right time.  I've been dealing with new stuff .. increasing facial cramps and lumps, and also possibly advanced damage to my teeth, as well as weird cramps in the legs that are hopefully just muscular and not DVT leading to PE, heh !  Cancer is the gift that keeps giving .. but I think we all need to refuse to be defined by our struggles, but rather how we rise above them.   Really appreciate the kind words, buddy.  All the best. ... View more

Yeah, sorry in case I wasn't clear - also I'd set up a camera and look straight down the barrel (into their eyes) and SAY the stuff I want to say.  Not write it down, but record it and offer my face, tears, smile and voice to them.  A blog is fine - I just reckon a series of topic-driven video messages will give them more. ... View more

My advice is no - a blog that you share with the public is, in it's very nature, impersonal.     Online, people offer these heavily curated identities and pretend it's authentic and real - when it's not.   Your kids, later in life, as they watch and re-watch you, wonder about you, want to learn more about you - well, it's just my opinion, but I think they'd value it much more if it were deeply personal and specific to them.   You create a blog, a kind of online public diary - and sure, that's fine.  Friends, family, will be able to use it as a vehicle to mourn and remember you.  But your children will come back to it - perhaps even years later, as they age and become parents themselves.   Me personally, I'd suggest creating an archive of personal one on one messages for my children.  Lets say you only have one child, here's an example (and just x2 or x3 if you have more kids)   This is presuming younger kids - but works for older, even adult kids, I reckon:   Who was Mum:  where you talk about who you were and your life growing up Hopes, Dreams, Beliefs:  talk about what you wanted from life Best Life Experiences:   share 'em Worst life experiences:  share 'em (might have more value to your aging kids than you'd think) Mum's experiences with you growing up:  share stuff that they may not remember, photos, anecdotes Birthday Message:  (maybe think of recording one for each year, all the way up to 50, even "so you're 21 now !  OMFG that's awesome.  Please think twice before going on a drug addled binge and if you do, maybe think about taking a friend with you.  When I was 21 I did this crazy bungee jump ... etc etc" Graduation Message: Getting Married Message: Having Kids Message:  (this could get weepy, but hey, put your feelings out there for them) - how I wish I could be there to be a grandparent   So yeah, rather than a public blog with a curated identity, I'd consider putting together a very detailed set of deeply personal messages (including thoughts, musings, diary type entries, whatever works for you).  I'm sure your children would still value the public blog stuff, but if I were your child, I'd find your personal messages to me to be much more precious.   Sorry to contradict the idea, I'm not pooping on Idea#1, I just think Idea#2 is better.  (But also, full disclosure, I think the world has gone batshit crazy, and people are turning into unauthentic narcissists wanting to lie to the uncaring world about their perfect lives --- I'm really sorry if that bias is colouring my opinion, but I think my logic is still sound anyways 🙂  )   All the best, really sorry you got sick - make sure to enjoy your important people too before the end, don't give too much time to a diary when you could be cuddling and chatting. ... View more

I don't know about exposed bone - just that intense pain radiating down the jaw and side of the neck is a thing for me.  Plus teeth starting to go wonky.  Cancer is the gift that keeps giving, even after you beat the disease, that's for sure.   Connecting with someone with your EXACT diagnosis is probably a great thing (in terms of getting anecdotes on the treatment, recovery, all that stuff), but my impression is that your challenge is social/emotional as much as medical - and if you start to form bonds with people who have faced the same GENERAL challenges (cancer in general or your type specifically) I think you'll find groups of people out there dealing with some very similar situations and challenges, who could give you some empathy, understanding and a friendly ear.   (Whether a structured group, or looking for random new friends, that's up to you - but I'd just offer my impression is that you're kind of aching for human contact and understanding, a bit starved for basic human intimacy - not the rude kind - the kind where someone hears you, gets it, and reflects their understanding back to you).   Panic attacks are outside my direct experience, I just know a few people who have had them - agoraphobic type reactions, palpitations, the classic stuff.  I personally have a (completely not OK) tendency to trivialise them - a kind of 'take a tablespoon of concrete and harden up' dismissive attitude.  That's my personal reaction, because I respond to it in a similar way to reacting to a bully - if you start backing down you end up retreating for the rest of your life - the only answer is to surge forward and fight.  (But that's just me, gross as it may be, offering authenticity if nothing else).   Thing is - COVID is just about the perfect time to bundle up at home anyways .. and with the interwebs available, and sites like this one, there are communities to be joined and reached out to.   I'm sorry to say it - you won't ever have your old life back.  It's gone.     That applies to everybody.  Yesterday is done.   Our only option is to keep moving forward.   My suggestion is - cherry pick the best things out of your new life, and celebrate them, and find new and better ways to enjoy them.   AND - also cherry-pick the WORST things, itemise that list, and try to have a specific strategy to deal with each of them .. one at a time or concurrent, whatever is best - but in tackling a problem, even failing spectacularly, you take a kind of control - whether the outcome is good, bad or indifferent, I think taking that approach helps a person's outlook generally.   LASTLY - get on the front foot with the sadness and social stuff.  I know life can be an utter shock-tacular shit-show, there's no two ways about it.  I'm a recluse-by-choice, I personally focus on my 3 young kids & spouse, as such don't really have the space to form honest new relationships .. but I promise you there are wonderful and lovely people out there waiting for you.  You can navigate together to new understandings and truth.  My sense is you urgently need some friends - I'd suggest finding one of the forums here and be as simple as that "I'd like to make some friends".  (Just be careful of weirdos and predators - but my sense is 9.5/10 of the people are pretty solid).   Sorry again if this is garbage advice - you seem like a clever person, just a bit lost and bereft - sometimes we need an outside perspective to shake our way of thinking up a little - I'm just trying to offer that.   Best of luck.  I hope things get better for you - not just prognostically/health, but in general. ... View more

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I suffered as you have - but it gets better.  I think the big thing to address is mental health & loneliness --- if you can hang in there, the physical stuff gets better. And for crying-out-loud don't 'give up'.  Succeeding in a fight against cancer and then submitting to depression, even suicide - it's like a weird Catch 22.  Just take a step back, sink in some information and perspectives, then form a strategy.  Things can and will get better, but yeah - it does hinge on YOU. Let me give you a quick re-hash of how things went for me, then a suggestion. I was diagnosed 4 years ago with stage 4 head & neck cancer.  Grueling treatment, PEG dependant, vomitting blood, awful constipation, all kinds of fun & games on the cancer merry-go-round.  The first week after treatment was the worst week of my life.  The first month was woeful.  The first 6 months were bad.  But it got better.  Honestly, it's still not perfect, but I'm still kicking, I'm a viable passenger on Spaceship Earth.  So are you. I relied on the PEG as my sole source of nutrition and hydration for .. I'll say 4-6 months, I honestly don't remember and it's !GREAT! that I don't remember.  The fight is slipping into the past.  I used to take formula via PEG and then vomit it up (with some blood and pain) from the mouth.  It was awful and absurd.  And it's over. No matter how far past treatment you are - the shitty cancer side effects will get better.  Just give it time. The psychological stuff is a nightmare.  The worry about recurrent cancer is the worst, but loneliness and isolation can certainly come within spitting distance.  Alone is probably the worst word in the dictionary.  Hell.  Suffering.  Depression.  Those are just lesser synonyms.   Feeling alone and without anchor is horrible. I'm sorry you feel that way. But you don't have to. Knowing that the physical stuff gets better and you just need to keep your head down (my advice is distract yourself with whatever gives you the most slothful pleasure - netflix, computer games, whatever floats your boat).  Anyway, knowing the the physical suffering improves ... .. I strongly urge you to separate it completely, and look ONLY at the psychological stuff in the immediate short term. Consider the loneliness, the feeling of futility - are you depressed ?  Do you still walk your dog ?  Take a proper stock of where you're at emotionally, how you feel day to day, whether it's sitting still, getting worse, or better.  (And tie that into your recovery physically - because if you're in the deepest pit of physical suffering, put off the stocktake for a week or two - things will start to get better, and wait until then to take stock). But yeah, I'd urge you to do a good solid triage of your mental health, and I guess in my mind the areas I'd want to focus in on are pretty simple - Loneliness/Isolation:  get a handle on how much of a problem this is, it sounds like a severe issue, but you need to wash away all the other stuff, get rid of the 'noise' and get a real handle on the problem. Hope:  I reckon a bit of hope is vital, get a handle on how positive or negative you feel about the short & longer term future and why. Fun:  think of the things you still enjoy (even if some of that enjoyment has been lost) and take stock of them. With those 3 pieces of information, I reckon you could better articulate where you're at, either to a support community, or getting professional help.  Those communities are starting points - I think the journey is about creating relationships .. making a new friend, talking to people who understand. So yeah, my example might be: Loneliness:  I feel bereft and isolated, every day I feel as though nobody hears or understands me, cancer has changed me and I feel I no longer know myself or can relate to the people in my life Hope:  I actually feel pretty hopeful that I've beaten cancer Fun:  I really love binge watching teen dramas, and playing Call of Duty. If that were my stocktake, then I'd know that focussing on cancer recurrence is a side-track, I'd simply look at connecting with new friends who better understand what I've been through (and also creating new strategies to better reconnect with my old friends, so we can both reach new platforms of understanding). Sorry if some of this comes across as garbage - I think you need to break things down a bit, and - in breaking it down into it's parts, form a strategy for addressing each distinct part of the problem.   You've been fighting for your life.   Keep fighting. ... View more

Hey Hey - just a quick update.   The world has gone barking mad, my business has collapsed due to COVID, I'm slowly learning the guitar, and I'm alive even if I don't quite thrive. I'm approaching 4 years post cancer now.  Get it ?  I had a coin-toss chance at survival .. 40-60%.  Stage 4 tonsil cancer.  Six months to live without successful treatment. Here I am 4 years later. Take heart from that.  No matter how shitty your own personal cancer scenario looks on paper, strive and press forward, don't surrender your hope to this insidious disease. Anyway, if you have chemoradiation, you'll find that the side effects continue to impact your live even 4 years later, but it's a small price to pay for continued survival, eh ? All the best. ... View more

Buddy, nobody has a cure for cancer. When asking for someone to give advice about natural cures, be aware and mindful of all the crackpots and criminals out there in the wide-world these days.   Sorry to hear you may have cancer, mate - don't be afraid, it's not game over yet.  I'd suggest when you tackle this, research EVERY treatment option, and hey, tackle multiple concurrently. The science is slowly moving toward immunotherapy treatments, which are a lot less destructive to human physiology than the poisonous chemo and burning radiation - me, I had chemoradiation, and it's awful, and the post treatment side effects are awful, BUT, I regret nothing - I had stage 4 tonsil cancer, 40% chance of successful treatment, 6 months to live, and here I am 4 years later. My take-away advice is just to be diligent, learn everything, and be on the front foot with regard to your treatment.  Eating berries will no doubt help your autoimmune response and may help prevent future cancer, but if you decide on any particular avenue as a "cure", be super careful.  Ask for credible evidence, not anecdotal "my cousin Joey got better", but actual studies. (And the idea of studies being quashed, is oh so much bullshit - medical students are zealous, eager, smart and naive people with no money and no massive ties to the industrial-medico complex, so the idea that they take massive bribes to focus on chemo studies and hide the efficacy of natural therapies is ridiculous.  A lot of the pubmed studies and articles are being done by students in many cases as part of a masters thesis or whatnot) Anyway, just my two cents - good luck to you ! ... View more