These are going to be the ramblings of a very scared woman who, when spoke of her fear was 'reassured' that there was nothing to worry about and that everything would be fine!. On Friday I have my first CT Scan since starting chemotherapy on 20 October.I have experienced the occasional pain in my stomach and liver, but this morning I had very severe pain in my stomach and I vomited - the first time in 3 months. Being a little stressed by this, my mind started to imagine the most horrible and worrying things that could be happening-the chemo is not working, the chemo was working now it isn't, my Oncologist told me it was aggressive and very advanced - it was too far gone to do anything about it. Common sense tells me that if that was the case, they would not have given me chemo (right?). I am quite disappointed in myself for thinking this way - I really am a positive, happy person and I am forever allaying the fears of my family - yes I feel really great!! really..! Night time is the bad time - laying in bed, all is quiet, then the thoughts and memories of what has brought me here take over. A charming 'friend' told me about cats in nursing homes. The residents all had cats and if a cat disappeared, then the nurses knew that patient was about to die!! Now, sometimes when my cat does not sleep with me, I start to panic-thank you 'friend'- stupid bloody thing to tell someone ! I have finished waffling, I just hope my little girl purrs me to sleep tonight! ... View more

After reading Sailors' blog about 'not doing opiates', I decided to tell my opiate experience and CATS does not do opiates either!! Ketamine. Morphine. Oxycontin. Welcome to my nightmare. Breathing tubes, breathing masks - waking after hours of drug induced sleep - confusion, pain, panic, terror, pushing people away, crying, clawing the air - "NO" I scream; "PLEASE DON'T PUT THAT ON ME". "It's for your own good". How many times would I hear those 3 terrifying words - your own good? Where am I? Why am I in agony? Tubes in my arms, my hands, something wrapped around my neck, clutching a small object, pressing pressing it - why? What has happened to me- my stomach hurts so much - I want all the pain to go away- I want to die. Leave me alone. My mouth is dry. I can't swallow. Water please I croak. Ice chips on my lips, I suck greedily - more more. No more until later. What are these people doing to me - how can they let me suffer like this. Tears run down my face, I cough, I gasp for air. A mask is put over my mouth and nose. I can't breathe. I struggle - I can't move. I am being held down- "for your own good". Welcome to my nightmare. I have just survived major surgery. I have been violated and brutalised in order to save my life- I want to die. Nothing makes any sense to me, I look at the clock on the wall- 9.30. A while later I look again- 9.30. I say the clock has stopped- it has not.The coctail of drugs are interfering with my ability to understand,to reason,to think! It is still 9.30. My mind is drugged and foggy- I have no concept of time, of anything - I have lost a week from my life. I cannot remember anything leading up to now. Faces and noises flash through my mind but I cannot concentrate- nothing is real. Alice Cooper obviously knew what he was talking about when he performed "Welcome To My Nightmare" - I now know too. ... View more

To everyone I have had the pleasure of meeting since I joined Cancer Connect thank you for your inspirational stories,your sharing of your hopes and dreams , good times and bad. It is lovely to have somewhere where we can just 'let loose' and everyone understands and no one judges. To all - have a Wonderful New Year- 2010- I am going to make darn sure I do and I hope and pray for many more. Thank you beautiful friends my thoughts and prayers are with you. Cats - here goes - meeeeeeeeeeeow xxxxx ... View more