My Dad lost his battle with cancer last Sunday. And all i want is for people to leave me alone. I feel that i haven't had enough time to let this all sink in , and when it does i am afraid that it will break me.
In my family we have a running joke about being emotionally constipated (we all suffer from it ), it's hard for us to talk to one another and tell each other what's going on in our head or how we feel, we kinda walk around saying "it's alright". In my Family when bad things happen , they happen , you can't help them so no point sooking about it. Get up dust off and keep moving. The issue is now that Dad has passed away ,it is like the whole family has taken a bucket load of laxatives. I 'm not saying this is a bad thing , but for my 25 yrs i have never seen my Nanna cry or heard my Aunty swear , and in this week i've seen/heard both.
And if that isn't enough to cope with , the phone starts ringing at 7 am and doesn't stop until 10 pm and i find myself repeating the same thing over and over - i sound like an ungrateful sod , i do appreciate the love and support but i just need minute. And then you get the people who are angry because they didn't get to see Dad during the later stages of his battle or the people who haven't seen Dad in 10 or more yrs telling us that Dad would have liked it this way or that. I tell you what Dad would have HATED ever part of this shittiness. He would have sooked about the price of the service, about the phone ringing all the time , about my music being really loud all the time , about the amount my brother is drinking , most of all about how upset everyone is. So don't tell me that my Dad wouldn't have wanted people to wear black to his service , or he'd want this song or that one. Just say this is what i want and you may get it.
I want to run away from it all - this is too much too soon and too bloody hard.
Ok enough of my rant.
Over and out Amie
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My life before this horriable thing happened to my family and i was wonderful. Just 6 short months ago i had a great place to live , wonderful friends , an awesome job , was just about to leave on my first adventure around the world , loved my family so much and i was pretty care free - i remember saying to a friend , "hay lifes pretty great at the moment". sure i craved for some things to be a little better , my love life was and still is no existant , but hay with everything else looking great that wasn't an issue.
Then dad fell at work and hit his head , they sent him off for scans to make sure everything was alright - a week later dad's in the hospital on the cancer care ward , life seemed to take a tumble , but only a small one. We met with a doctor after doctor after doctor until one finally said to us that yes this is cancer and yes this is what will kill my dad , my first thoughts were "aren't you stupid doc , you don't know my dad he is the strongest man in the world - he'll kick cancers arse".
Fast forward to now , i have just got home to my parents house after a visit with dad at the hospital , Dad is now under close observation because he's confused about where he is and why he is there and keeps trying to "escape". The man who was once the strongest man in the world is now to weak to get out of bed on his own , is wearing incontinance aids , to confused to realise who his grand daughter is or why i wasn't at school and asking where my older brother (who has been in jail for almost 4 years) is. How do you cope with this???
I am coming to terms with the fact that Dad wont be around to see me get married , or be there to hold my children ,see me buy my own house , to listen to my stories about my travel adventures or see me finish my studies but how do you live through seeing your strenght weaken ??
I am a trained facilator in Wellness Recovery , I am suppose to know how to cope with triggers and break downs- but if i don't know how to do this for myself , if i can't see myself recovering from this how am i suppose to show others??
Will it ever be the same again ???
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People keep telling me that there is hard road ahead - well people it's pretty crap already , my Dad has stage 4 lung cancer with secondary tumors in his brain and as of last Friday they think that there is cancer spreading into his bones.
I am finding it hard to discuss things that aren't clinical with most people i know because i don't know if they will understand, so looking around today and found these wonderful blogs from great people who have been there done this and found myself reading through and gaining inspiration from some and heart break from others.
Dad was diagnosed just before Christmas last year and the feeling at the beginning was hopeful , we'll get through radiation then see what's next , then it was Chemo it started about a month ago.
Chemo has now stopped the Doctor's say it's not the right action and it's Palliative care time. So that means me moving home to help mum care for dad - i started moving back on Saturday. Dad was hospitalised on Sunday night - he was having trouble breathing.
I am scared , i am angry , i am loosing the hope that was once there - no one can tell me how to do this??? each day bring a whole new bunch of stuff to discuss , worry about. Yesterday bought Dad being hospitalised , today bought the notification from the real estate stating that the owners of our rented home is being sold.
What will tomorrow bring ??? Hopefully some strength , it's needed right now.
Let's try sleeping on that , maybe some positive thoughts may bring a better tomorrow ???
Over and out Amie
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.